Chapter 8 : Pantsparty !
In the Pantscave.....
Shortsboy : Commendable Costumes, Pantsman !
What a great
Pantsman : Yes, old chum, quite nice....
Shipwreck (as a pirate) : Hey guys,
it's BYOB, right ?
Pantsman : Actually, we elected to serve delicious, refreshing
: Great, great.... Clutch ! Bring in the kegs !
Clutch (in a bedsheet) : TOGA ! TOGA ! KEGGER ! KEGGER !
: But it's not a toga par.....
Shipwreck : EVERYBODY ! Beer's here ! Belgian beer !
All : JAY !
More and more Joes arrive, and within an hour, the party is in full swing.
Mainframe (in sailor moon outfit)
: I'm telling you, Wetsuit, you should
embedded code was
Wetsuit (as Leatherneck) : Does anybody wanna trade places ?
Lifeline (as Ghandi) : Sho I shez
to him, " Lishten you (BLEEP) , I'll
rip your (BLEE-EEP) head off and (BLEEP) in your (BLEEP)"
(as The Flash) : Whoa, buddy, don't you think you've had enough ?
Lifeline : Whaat ? You wanna pieche of me ?
Clutch (as Speed Racer) : Sho common Shcarlett, waddayashay ?
Cover Girl (as Xena ) : For the last time, I'm
Covergirl, and STOP IT.
Hawk (as Patton) : Listen up, folks ! I'm glad to see everybody is
! Just a few points.
One : Let's not forget those who couldn't be here, because of guard
duty..... Shipwreck assured
me the lucky draw was fair.
Two : For the *seven* of you who thought it would be funny to dress up
as Cobra Commander,
you've all got latrine duty for the next month.
As soon as I figure out who you are.....
Three : Sci-Fi, six cardboard
boxes do not make an Optimus Prime costume.
And four : Somebody PLEASE pick up Shipwreck before he drowns
in his own
vomit. That's all.
Airtight (as He-Man (don't ask) ) : Shipwreck's breath constitutes a whole
new kind of poison
Sci-Fi (sobbing in a corner) : But my mom said I looked cool.....
Mainframe : Looks like almost
everybody is here.... Quite nice.
Leatherneck (as Wetsuit) : Yeah, but where's Scarlett ?
Wetsuit : I think
she went outside with Duke..... Or Snake-Eyes, I can't
Beach Head (as himself) : I can't believe
this.... Cobra could launch a
surprise attack any time and we'd......
Suddenly, Beach Head gets droused in beer
by Gung Ho .
Gung Ho (as a ho) : Lighten up, buddy, all work and no play makes Joe
a dull boy.....
Head : WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE PLAYING AT ? I OUGHTTA.....
Uhm.... WHY in the name of all that's pure are you wearing
THAT costume ?
Gung Ho : It's a name pun, don't blame me, blame the writer.... Oh, and I
wouldn't go near Skidmark
if I were you.....
Chapter 9 : Pantsparty - The Aftermath
In the Joe HQ war room, several Joes are discussing last night's
party in the Pantscave....
Duke : What
in the name of all that's holy was I drinking last night ?
Doc : Whatever it was, it's nearly toxic..... There were
plenty of samples,
albeit regurgitated ones, for me to study on the toilets' floors.....
Duke : Did Hawk ever
figure out who has latrine duty now ?
Beach Head : Well, he couldn't figure out who all came dressed as
Commander, so he assigned Clutch and Shipwreck, they
brought the booze in, they can take it out......
(sporting bruises and a black eye) : Shoot me, just shoot me
now..... My body is ablaze with agony......
: Your own fault for telling Sgt. Slaughter your grandmother could
Doc : Yeah, what got into
you, anyway ?
Lifeline : I don't handle alcohol well.....
Suddenly, Hawk walks in, still in costume.....
Doc : General, didn't you have time to change yet ?
Hawk : When ? I managed to get to my office last night......
Doc (whispering to Duke) : Heh, me and Stretcher had to carry him.
Hawk : And the next thing I know, I'm
woken up by a soldier, emptying my
mailbox on my desk......
Duke : How unfortunate......
Hawk : And
do you know WHAT was in that mailbox ?
Duke : Playtrooper ?
Hawk : Complaints.... Lots and lots of complaints......
Let me read you
One : Three Joes were nowhere to be found this morning, they are still
presumed hung over.....
Two : Mainframe and Dialtone snuck into the communications room, and
made some prank calls,
as a result, the US armed forces are at defcon 2,
we are now at war with San Marino, and everybody at West Point is
for our requisitioned grey poupon......
Three : Eight Joes are missing their pants when they checked their
this morning...... I think we all know where those ended up.....
Four : I have to see about courtmarshalling Shipwreck
for four counts
of sexual harrassment, complaints were filed by Cover Girl, Lady Jaye,
Jinx and Mainframe..... I told
him that costume was a mistake.....
And Five : If I find the %$%ing %$$ who urinated against my desk, I'll
for a one-man mission to Cobra Island......
Duke : Wow..... Some party......
Hawk : Let us never speak of
Just then, Pantsman and Shortsboy burst into the war room.
Shortsboy : Fabulous festivities,
General ! what a night !
Pantsman : Yes, good General, even if some of the lads got a bit
rowdy last night, a
good time was had by all !
Hawk : If you say so......
Pantsman : So we've arranged for this to be a monthly
Hawk sits down at this point, looking very pale......
Hawk : Duke.... Get me my gun......
Chapter 10 - Cleanup Crew
The following morning, in GIJOE HQ, life seems to
be getting back to normal...
We find some Joes in
the rec room.
Dusty : ....Really, Snow Job, you have no idea how
lonely it gets....
I mean, you have a full contigent of
arctic Joes, but how many desert specialist do you see?
Snow Job : Well,
there's.... uhm..... And then there's.....uhhhh.....
Dusty : SEE ?
Snow Job : what about Duke and Flint
? they have desert
figure..... errrr I mean desert training and uniforms !
Dusty : Oh yeah, and they are just
ALWAYS going on missions
with me, aren't they ?
Snow Job : Well, you have to understand , those guys have to
spend loads of time in the war room with Hawk, always trying
to stay one step ahead of Cobra, always planning, working....
It's a hard Job.
Meanwhile, in the war room.....
Duke : Strike Force three and five in position
Flint : Defense group three responding, defense strength five
Hawk : Now roll for initiative....
: Dammit, your Orc army destroyed my Mistic Knights.....
And back to the rec room....
Dusty : Sure, whatever.....
Col. Courage (over the intercom) : Listen up troops, it's that time
of the year again, where I make my cameo
all ordered to clean up the base, and don't forget to clean out
your lockers..... We all remember
the near-outbreak of Ebola
last year when we found that old Gumbo in Gung-Ho's locker......
Gung Ho : It wasn't
Dusty : Oh come on, they're basing "Outbreak 2" on it, Dustin
Hoffman loved the script.....
Snow Job : Come on, guys, we'd better get started......
With that, all Joes on duty, with the exception
of Hawk, Duke and
Flint, who are still locked in a strategy meeting, begin the
daunting task of cleaning up the base....
Blowtorch : Shouldn't we get Tracker and Bazooka ? there's no
reason they should be exempt from this......
Freefall : Couldn't agree more...... To.... The PANTSCAVE !
Blowtorch : Don't you start.....
Pantsman not-so-secret hideout.....
Freefall : So you see, you guys better do your part too !
Fear not, good citizen, permit us a moment to get
our special costumes, and we'll join you !
Shortsboy : Collosal
cleanup, Pantsman ! the base will shine !
Freefall : Costumes ?
Two minutes later, Pantsman and Shortboy
leave the Pantscave,
wearing blue aprons (over their uniforms, you perverts)
Pantsman : Now let's start cleaning
broadway style !
Pantsman and shortsboy brak out the mop and bucket, and
move like a hurricane through the base,
Pantsman (to the tune of "Limbo Rock") : Let's do a clean up job,
Shortboy : All I nee-eed
is this mop.
Pantsman : Gen'ral Hawk's gonna be glad,
Shortboy : Cause dirt makes him kinda sad.
: Even the toilet's gonna shine,
Shortsboy : You'll find no more trace of grime.
Pantsman : Spotless floors
is what we need,
Shortsboy : Ouch ! Scrubbing makes my fingers bleed......
Freefall : Blowtorch, it was
your idea to make the help,
Blowtorch : Uhm..... yes.
Freefall : I'm giving you a five-second
head start... you'd better
Pantsman : Well, that seems to have taken care of that.
: Not so fast, you still have to clean out your locker.
Beach Head points to a locker marked "Tracker"
Pantsman : I'm sorry, good citizen, but my locker is in our secret
Beah Head : YOU......
Wetsuit : Relax, Beach Head, haven't you learned how to deal with
these bozo's yet ? Pantsman, this is the locker
reserved for your
sectret alter ego.....
Pantsman : Allright then..... I'll..... CLEAN IT !
11 : The Ultimate Weapon
Last time, as you could read no more than 2.5 seconds ago,
Pantsman was about to
clean out his old Tracker locker.....
Pantsman : There doesn't seem to be anything of real interest
Some magazines, an "Alf" doll, some carded 1983
Star wars figures... Bah, in the trashcan they go.....
Shortsboy : Wonderfull wasteproducts, Pantsman, quite right !
Pantsman : Some pogs, and.... WHAT'S THIS ??
Pantsman pulls out a large, orange paddle.
Pantsman : OFF COURSE !
Shortsboy : Collosal confusion,
Pantsman, what is it ?
Pantsman : Don't you see ? The thing that has been missing
from our crimefighting activities....
This will turn the tide and
grant us victory over the forces of the Cobra !
Shortsboy : What do you mean ?
Pantsman : My personalized, ultimate weapon ! THE PADDLE
OF DOOM !
Shortsboy (in awe) : Wonderfull weapon,
Pantsman ! Now none
will be able to oppose you !
Beach Head : Oh brother......
Wetsuit : Uhm..... How
is that even supposed to work ?
Pantsman : Permit me to give you a small, harmless yet quite
Pantsman takes a swing and hits Beach Head square in the
face unexpectedly (for Beach Head anyway)
: See ? An opponent is rendered harmless instantly,
with minimal damage.
Wetsuit : Beach Head might have a different
opinion as to what
"minimal damage" means exactly.....
Pantsman : Perhaps you're right....
: Might I suggest you guys return to the Pantscave, before
he regains consiousness ?
Pantsman : A worthy idea
! Good day to you, citizen !
Pantsman and Shortboy make their retreat, rather hastely, as
Beach Head comes around......
Beach Head : What.... What happened ?
Wetsuit : I think you just had a dizzy spell.....
: Yeah..maybe.... No, wait a minute.....
Wetsuit : I just remembered, I left the kettle on... Bye !