|
We find ourselves following a VAMP that's driving down a
common country road. The Vamp passes a roadsign that
reads : "Welcome to Springfield ! Population : None of your
damn business."
The VAMP enters what appears to be a small, average American
town, like you find all over the United States. After a few minutes
driving, the vehicle pulls up to a rather large baseball field.
Clutch and General Hawk step out.
General Hawk : I have a bad feeling about this.....
Clutch : We're ripping of Star Wars lines now ?
General Hawk : Shhht ! You wanna get us sued ?
Clutch : And that's from "The Simpsons" . Is there ANY original material
in this year's FLAGGS at all ?
General Hawk : Not as such, no.....
All of a sudden, the ground begins shaking. The baseball field and everything
around it splits in two. From the huge opening in the ground, a Terrordrome
arises. But it seems.... Different.
A large, double door opens, right in front of Hawk and Clutch. Two
Crimson Guards step out and take up guarding positions.
CG : Right through here, gentlemen. You're the last people to arrive !
Clutch : Then why was the Terrordrome lowered ?
CG : Dramatic effect....
Clutch and Hawk enter the terrordrome, and find it's been totally gutted
of any known Cobra equipment. The entire base has been transformed
into a giant amphitheatre.
About 3/4th of the circle-formed Terrordrome is taken up by the audience.
We see hordes of Cobra Troops, most of the Joes , a lot of greenshirts and
masses of fans . The rest of the Drome is occupied by a large stage
that has two alluminated fights of stairs on it, and a "MambaVison" (TM) giant
screen above it. On the screen, we see the text :
The 2002
FLAGGS
Celebrating 20 years of the Real American Hero !
The house lights dim, and the stage light comes on.
ANNOUNCER : Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, welcome
to the third annual FLAGGS award show ! Here are your hosts : COBRA
COMMANDER and GENERAL HAWK !
Cobra commander walks on , waving to the audience.
CC : Good evening Joeheadsss and Snakelingsss ! Fans and guest
celebraties !
ANNOUNCER (quickly) : Guest Celebraties impersonated.
CC : Like every year, it's a great pleasure to be here ! Like every year,
I look forward to Cobra beating the Joes where- and whenever possible !
CC : Now, I was supposed to have a co-host, but he seems to be....
Just then General Hawk, still stuffing his tuxedo shirt into his pants, runs on.
HAWK : (panting) We were late....Sorry..... Directions you gave.... Didn't
say what State this Springfield was in.....
CC : Oh..... Terrible oversight that.... Must have a word with our information
departement.
HAWK : Right.... And I see you're keeping up the tradition of being the host
again !
CC : It was in my contract ! Cobra supplied the location, along with a very
well-stocked bar and an after-party ! So I get to host again !
HAWK : After party ? You mean that bag of nachos and those two bottles
of Cobra Cola in the back ?
CC : I..... Well..... The bar was expensive enough, OK. I mean between
Cabanajack and Timmer, they.....
HAWK : Anyway, 2002 was a busy year for us ! New toys, repaints, comic
books, TV ads... You name it, we had it ! And most toys ever for any Joe-year !
CC : Yesss.... So there was plenty to vote for this year !
HAWK : And let's see who took the time to fill out that humdinger of a ballot
this year ! Here are the people who voted !
The "Mambavision"(TM) screen goes blank for a second and then reads :
KennyD
Prozac
Tim Frankovich
Sidewinder
Brian McCabe
Eleavitt2000
Dave
Jeremy Watts (Satan)
Peter D Smith (Deadshot)
Phaylon (Snake-Eyes01)
Joegirl
Takedown
Jon S
Sentimental Zombie
Ravnos
Beav
Daniel Alexander
Dasaffe
Wowboy
Scramble
Divine Shockwave
Kowalski
Hooper_X
seaN
Alex A
Rock-Viper
Batdan
Stu (tmbggeek)
Phillip Donnely
Lurker
Phillip Powers (BgDdyPhil)
Patrick (Notpicard) Steward
Zedhatch
Marijn (Toystorerecords)
Nils Meyes (extantsrevenge)
Bryan Segal (Bull)
Troy Xavier
John Missal
General Hawk
Lady K
Dzirhan
Sicko
Sharpshot
Darkhawk
Joe Harris
Chris J
Ann G
Bill Leach
Anonymous
The85boy
Marc de Ruiter
Mike Taber
Karl (Sledge)
Robin
Macdowin
Rockhammer
Hector Delgado
Anonymous
Diana M
Cabanajack
Timmer
CC : 61 people !!!
HAWK : That's amazing ! Almost double as much as last year !
CC : Well, that's what you get for opening the voting up to the
entire fandom.....
HAWK : I'm very curious how this has affected all the votes ! Sooo.....
CC : Time to get things started !
HAWK : Here come the awards in the CARTOON category ! This year,
hosted by Lady J and Destro !
The opening theme to the cartoon plays, as LJ and Destro descend down
the stairs....
DESTRO : COUSIN !!!!
LJ : COUSIN !!!
Destro and LJ hug....
CC : What the... !?
DESTRO : Well, my dear Cobra Commander, you must remember, we ARE
related !
CC : Huh ?
LJ : Remember when I went to a family reunion ?
The commander just stares blankly....
DESTRO : I was also there ?
CC : Guh ?
LJ : We raised an horrible beast ?
CC : Doesn't ring a bell....
DESTRO : You later tried to use it to kill Serpentor !
CC : Oh, yeah...... That giant monster....
LJ : I thought it was a smallish one-eyed octopus thingy.....
DESTRO : Depends on how the light hits it.....
LJ : Anyway, let's get things rolling ! It's my pleasure to present the
FIRST award of the evening !
The "Emmy" award for best single episode ever !
1 - "20 Questions"
1 - "Cold Slither"
1 - "Computer Complications"
1 - "Eau De Cobra"
1 - "Flint's Vacation"
1 - "Gray Hairs and growing pains"
1 - "Lasers in the Night"
1 - "Lights, Camera, Cobra !"
1 - "Money To Burn"
1 - "Nightmare Assault"
1 - "Red Rocket's Glare"
1 - "The Funhouse"
1 - "The Gamesmaster"
1 - "The Greenhouse Effect"
1 - "The Wrong Stuff"
2 - "Cobra Stops The World"
2 - "Countdown For Zartan"
2 - "Excalibur"
2 - "Memories of Mara"
2 - "Once Upon A Joe"
3 - "Raise the Flagg"
3 - "Sink The Montana"
8 - "The Viper is Coming"
"Twenty Questions. As someone who actually works in the TV news business,
the spoofing of network newsmagazine shows hit pretty much dead on."
- Hooper_X
"Memories of Mara. Liked the idea of a forbidden type of love with a mermaid,
plus gave us a good characterization of Shipwreck (other than a smart mouth)"
- Zedhatch
"The Gamesmaster (Gotta love the Baroness in a Bikini)"
- Rock-Viper
DESTRO : Ah yes.... Cobra is nearly defeated by a crusty old
window washer..... Not our finest hour.....
LJ : Murphy's law taken to the extreme.....
AUDIENCE : BOOOOO !!!!
LJ : All right already, X-nay on the Xtreme-ey.....
Destro : Now, let's see how bad bad can get !
The "Comic Book Guy" award for WORST episode EVER !
1 - "Bazooka Saw A Sea Serpent"
1 - Cobra Claws Are coming To Town"
1 - "El Dorado"
1 - "Glamour Girls"
1 - "Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep"
1 - "Jungle Trap"
1 - "Lights, Camera, Cobra"
1 - "Pigskin Commandoes"
1 - "The Invaders"
1 - "The Gods Below"
1 - "The Right Stuff"
2 - "Cold Slither"
2 - "Iceberg Goes South"
2 - "Primordial Plot"
2 - "The Gamesmaster"
2 - "The Spy Who Rooked Me"
2 - "The Viper Is Coming"
6 - "Kindergarten Commandoes"
""Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep" Yuck. Not only does Cross-Country
beat Storm Shadow, but he's trying to defend country music.
That's something great to put on your resume if applying to
the Dreadnoks, but otherwise..."
- Sidewinder
"Kindergarten Commandos. I've never even SEEN the episode, but I hate it
purely by reputation..."
- General Hawk
""Kindergarten Commandoes. Although, after teaching for five years,
I can see how children make an effective fighting unit. Often in terms of sheer
annoyance. "
- Diana M
And from the "I... can't... pick... just... ONE pile :
"Anything with Serpentor - This I command is waaay too cheesy "
- Wowboy
"anything with the Eco-warriors in it (sorry they all pretty much blew) "
- Bryan Segal
"write all DIC episode titles on separate pieces of paper, throw them in
a hat, and draw one out"
- Darkhawk
"Anything DiC"
- Lady K/ Dzirhan
"All of them"
- Lurker
LJ : Ouch !
DESTRO : Can't please everybody !
LJ : Oh well, at least there's no such thing as GIJoe - Starring Adam Sandler.
The "Could have been worse" award for worst Sunbow episode ever !
1 - "My Favorite Things"
1 - "Cold Slither"
1 - "The Germ"
1 - "The Invaders"
1 - "Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep"
1 - "Operation Mind Menace"
1 - "Let's Play Soldier"
1 - "The MASS Device, part 1"
1 - Cobra Claws Are Coming To Town"
1 - "Skeletons in the Closet"
1 - "The right stuff"
1 - "Grey Hairs And Growing Pains"
1 - "The Gamesmaster"
1 - "The Spy Who Rooked Me"
2 - "The Phantom Brigade"
3 - "The Viper Is Coming"
3 - "Bazooka Saw A Sea Serpent"
5 - "Iceberg Goes South"
"TheViper Is Coming, BBQ is such an idiot"
- Alex A
"The Phantom Brigade. Ghosts.....bad."
- Brian McCabe
"Iceberg Goes South (I think was the title) What the hell were they thinking
when they turned Iceberg into an animal! Goodness!"
- Macdowin
"Bazooka Saw a Sea Serpent. Dumb as a Rock Joe + Stupid Cobra metal
dragon = 22 minutes of dead brain cells..."
- General Hawk
DESTRO : One could say Iceberg had a WHALE of a time !
LJ : With puns like that, you're gonna be killing our ratings....
DESTRO : We don't GET ratings....
The "So good, they needed two" award for best two-parter !
2 - "Captives Of Cobra"
2 - "Synthoid Conspiracy"
6 - "The Traitor"
7 - "There's No Place Like Springfield"
20 - "Worlds Without End"
"There's No Place Like Springfield (just because everyone else will say
Worlds Without End)"
- Phillip Donnely
"This was an excellent episode from any angle. Well written, with intrigue,
features a rare reference to previous episodes, and makes Shipwreck the
deepest character we get to know. And when hes standing by as the house of
the dreams he didnt know he had burns down, theres a touching moment as
he reflects upon his life."
- Scramble ( on "There's No Place Like Springfield -ed)
"The two CGI commercials from this year :-)"
- John Missal
"Worlds Without End. Seeing the skeletongs of the Joes was both cool and freaked me out as a kid. It added something
to know they could die, even if it was alternate versions of them."
- Brian McCabe (Normally, I edit spelling errors, but this one was too funny -ed)
"Worlds Without End. The only episode that I remember seeing that had a
cobra woman wearing a thong. It may have just been a color error,
but it was cool none the less."
- Macdowin (Especially cause of this entry, you people are obsessed -ed)
DESTRO : Thongs ?
LJ : I......have no response to that.... Let's..... just hurry it along
LJ shudders....
The "Double Trouble" award for worst two-parter !
1 - "The Traitor"
1 - "Victory at Volcania"
1 - "The Synthoid Conspiracy"
1 - "The Sludge Factor"
2 - "There's No Place Like Springfield
2 - "Worlds Without End"
2 - "The Greatest Evil"
3 - "Happy Birthday Rock 'n Roll"
6 - "Captives of Cobra"
"The raising of the Flagg and Cobra Air ship"
- Peter D Smith (That wasn't a two-parter -ed)
"Captives of Cobra: The moment Spirit's elderly uncle shot down a state of the art Cobra plane with his rifle, made
this episode "shine". :/ "
- General Hawk
"All the two parters are pretty cool."
- Dasaffe
"Were there any?"
- Alex A
"Captives Of Cobra. If my nephew pulled a rifle on me I'd a shot his
little orphan ass"
- CabanaJack
LJ : Who is this "Cabanajack" ?
DESTRO : I don't know, but Zartan wanted me to give him a Dreadnok
sign-up form.....
LJ : Oh, no ! Nobody is signing up in our universe unless they have some
unclear connection to Snake-Eyes !
The "TV movie of the year" award for Best mini series !
1 - "GIJoe -The Movie"
5 - "Arise, Serpentor, Arise"
6 - "The Pyramid Of Darkness"
9 - "The Revenge Of Cobra"
21 - "The MASS Device"
"Roots"
- Cabanajack (ha...ha...ha... -ed)
"Arise! Serpentor Arise! You how he was nude when he woke up?
Too bad we never saw Pythona being Arisen!"
- Macdowin
"G.I. Joe Vs. the M.A.S.S. Device. Clearly this will win, and I'm glad.
Nostalgia holds no sway over my vote here, this was the most solid
presentation of GI Joe in five parts there was to be had. Revenge Of
Cobra was a copycat of this (while still good), Pyramid Of Darkness
was just too silly to comprehend (fatal fluffies) and...you get the point."
- Sidewinder
DESTRO : It did pave the way for things to come !
LJ : Duke got captured.....
DESTRO : I usurped command of Cobra.....
LJ : Arena of sports.....
DESTRO : Scantily clad slave girls.....
LJ : Ahem..... moving along.....
The "Mini series, major crap" award for worst mini series !
2 - "The MASS Device"
2 - "Pyramid Of Darkness"
2 - "Revenge Of Cobra"
5 - "GIJoe - The Movie"
10 - "Arise, Serpentor, Arise"
10 - "Operation Dragonfire"
"Operation: Dragonfire. Someone really has to help the Marauders with proper color coordination. I am sorry, but
those just arent jungle colors. "
- Macdowin
"Arise, Serpentor, Arise! I hate to cast my vote for it like this. Pyramid of Darkness might have beaten it for
me if I had seen the whole thing, since it looked kinda sucky. But one can only take so much Dr. Mindbender, and this mini-series
offered too much of him for my liking. Hence, it goes to the bottom of the barrell."
- Sidewinder
LJ : WE HAVE A TIE !!
DESTRO : So it goes to the judges !!! This year, they are our gracious
hosts themselves, Cobra Commander and General Hawk !!
CC and Hawk come back onstage !
HAWK : Indeed ! Who better to judge all things Joe then the leaders
of both major factions !
CC : Now, when I think "Arise" I think I was overthrown by a bunch of
disloyal, backstabbing buffoons, while in "Dragonfire" I took back the
reigns !
HAWK : However, one cannot forget the superior animation of "Arise".
DESTRO : And, if I may interject, in "Dragonfire" I was portrayed and
a guy who jumps from one woman to the next just because it suits me !
I'd never do that !
HAWK : Who's your kid's mother again ?
DESTRO : I...... Uhmmm.....
HAWK : And in the toon, you talked about looking forward to having
Scarlett as your slave, what was THAT about ?
DESTRO : I'll just shut up now.... *mumbling* The Baroness is gonna
have my legs broken !
HAWK : If your lucky.... Anyway, look, "Dragonfire" already won last year,
so let's give it to "Arise".
CC : Fine.... "ARISE SERPENTOR, ARISE" is this year's WORST mini
series !
The "The One Where Phoeby Finally Snaps And Machetes All Of The
Friends" award for funniest episode ever !
1 - "Red Rocket's Glare"
1 - "Pyramid Of Darkness", part 4
1 - "Cobra Quake"
1 - "Haul Down The Heavens"
1 - "Hearts and Cannons"
1 - "Raise The Flagg"
1 - "20 Questions"
1 - "Cobra Claws Are Coming To Town"
1 - "Cobrathon"
3 - "Lights, Camera, Cobra ! "
4 - "Cold Slither"
9 - "The Viper Is Coming"
12 - "Once Upon A Joe"
"Cold Slither (Seeing Rock 'n Roll finally get to do what he does best - play
bass guitar - was the sight of the millenium.)"
- Hector Delgado
"Cobra Quake. Bazooka stumbling around constantly shouting gleefully
"I'll Disarm It!" was quite amusing."
- General Hawk
"The one that had the PSA at the end were the kids wanted to jump over the
downed wire.The episode itself wasnt funny but the PSA was.I mean come on,
were we that stupid when we were 10?"
- Alex A
"Pyramid of Darkness Part 4. Is that Snake Eyes or Boy George?"
- Jon S
"Once Upon a Joe - Shipwreck at his finest "
- Wowboy
LJ : As far as Unbelievable inventions go, that decive from "Once..." is
right up there with Fatal Fluffies.....
DESTRO : I think that was the point....
The "R....Rosebud" award for more dramatic episdoe !
1 - "Twenty Questions"
1 - "Not A Ghost Of A Chance"
1 - "Jungle Trap"
1 - "Glamour Girls"
1 - "Watchdog"
1 - "Grey Hairs And Growing Pains"
1 - "Nightmare Assault"
2 - "Memories of Mara"
2 - "The Traitor"
3 - "There's No Place Like Springfield"
3 - "Sink The Montana"
9 - "Worlds Without end"
"Twenty Questions. Just for fun."
- Sidewinder
DESTRO : Nothing says "drama" like skelethongs !
LJ : Don't you start !
DESTRO : This coming from a woman who ended an episode pantsless once !
LJ : Are we done yet ?
DESTRO : Not by a longshot !
The "Homer, Optimus, Vegeta" award for favorite cartoon character !!
1 - Barbeque
1 - Hector Ramirez
1 - Baroness
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Bazooka
1 - Snake-Eyes
1 - Quick Kick
2 - Alpine
2 - Storm Shadow
2 - Cobra Commander
2 - Zartan
3 - Duke
3 - Flint
4 - Lowlight
4 - Beach Head
4 - Destro
5 - Lady J
9 - Shipwreck
"Barbecue, I Love the Boston accent"
- Takedown
"Lady Jayeit may very well be the curse of my life that I will never shake
the crush I developed on Lady Jaye when I was eleven years old. "
- Kowalski
"Daffy Duck"
- Cabanajack (Babumbump -ed)
"Bazooka and Alpine (they were a team)"
- Sharpshot
"Duke, he was like the Jim Kirk of G.I.Joe!"
- Jon S
"Zartan. He was creepy, mysterious, and he had that cool reverberation
on his voice. Plus he sounds British, which instantly makes him sound
smarter than the other Cobras for some reason."
- Sidewinder
"Shipwreck, who doesnt like drunk sailors?"
- Alex A
LJ : SHIPWRECK ?
DESTRO : I like him ! We even liked him so much we promoted him
to Colonel !
LJ : Yes, thank you for THAT..... We got even, though....
DESTRO : What do you mean ?
LJ : Who do you think gave Crystal Ball directions to your recruitment
offices ?
DESTRO : WHAT !?
The "Wheelie" award for worst cartoon character !
1 - Polly
1 - Beach Head
1 - Airborne
1 - Cross Country
1 - Zartan
1 - Buzzer
1 - Barbeque
1 - Lady J
1 - Chuckles
1 - Metalhead
1 - Dr. Mindbender
1 - Admiral Ledger
1 - Scrap Iron
2 - Spirit
2 - Snake Eyes
2 - Bazooka
2 - Cobra Commander
3 - Footloose
3 - Big Lob
4 - Sgt. Slaughter
4 - Serpentor
4 - Shipwreck
4 - Duke
"Polly,I always prayed that Roadblock would cook that damn thing!
"This parrot is NO more...""
- KennyD
"Dreadnoks-they were treated TOOO Dumb in the toon."
- Zedhatch
"Anybody introduced in the movie"
- Cabanajack
"Bazooka. In the toon, he was dumber than a box of Kleenex"
- General Hawk
"Every toon fan's gonna slap me for this one, but I gotta say Duke.
He's kinda like the Ned Flanders of the series. He's so good, that
after a while, you want to smack him."
- Phillip Donnely
"Shipwreck. I'll burn in Joe hell for that one I'm sure, but I HATE this guy's
cartoon representation. The voice is irritating as well."
- Sidewinder
"Sgt. Slaughter--like the guy who shows up at your party, though he was
never invited, and proceeds to demand that all attention be placed on
his loud-mouthed, drunken-ass self. And who invited that guy anyway?"
- Kowalski
"Sgt. Slaughter. What a name. What a guy. What a CHIN. Jay Leno is jealous."
- Diana M
DESTRO : Another tie !
CC : I'd sssay Shipwreck is out, he won favorite character !
HAWK : Duke also got a few points in that category.....
CC : So that leaves Serpentor and Slaughter...
HAWK : Well, Slaughter had cool catchphrases, while Serpy had.....
CC : "This I command !" ?
CC and HAWK : SERPENTOR WINS !
The "Darth Vader" award for best voice !
1 - Gung Ho
1 - Tomax/Xamot
1 - Bill Rather ( I meant characters, but what the hey... -ed)
1 - Duke
1 - Storm shadow
1 - Zartan
2 - Snake-Eyes
2 - Flint
3 - Beach Head
3 - Shipwreck
13 - Destro
17 - Cobra Commander
"Shipwreck (Love the Nicholson)"
- Beav
"Cobra Commander-Still think of that voice when I read the comic, a fanfic, or
Dio-story to this day. Sinister yet familar"
- Zedhatch
LJ : Well, it was a close race for a while, but the Commander ran away
with it near the end ! You put up quite a fight, though !
Destro :(smiling) And I noticed you didn't get a single vote.
LJ : What did you expect ? I sound like I smoke three packs a day !
Destro : Let's see if anybody agress !
The "Marvin Monroe" award for WORST voice !
1 - Airborne
1 - Metal-Head
1 - Deep Six
1 - Clutch
1 - Major Bludd
1 - Falcon (movie version, Don Johnson)
1 - Ripper
1 - Blowtorch
1 - Sgt. Slaughter
1 - Chuckles
1 - Shipwreck
1 - Cross Country
1 - Firefly
1 - Thunder
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Dr. Mindbender
2 - Dialtone
2 - Zarana
3 - Bazooka
3 - Storm Shadow
3 - Snake-Eyes
4 - Footloose
5 - Barbeque
5 - Cobra Commander
"Shipwreck, I guess true to his character he sounds like some lady just kicked
him "you know where"."
- Sidewinder
"Deep Six. always sounded like he was gonna puke"
- Cabanajack
"Thunder. I always expect to look at his arms and see those
little control sticks. I suspect Frank Oz is crawling under there, always out
of shot. One day, he'll accidently stick into frame, and the shocking Joe
muppet conspiracy will be revealed. "
- Diana M
"Snake-Eyes! Dang-It why did he think he was better then everyone else by not talking! I know you can talk! Now
Talk!"
- Macdowin
"Airborne.. (Optimus Prime just didn't sound right for him)"
- Dave
"Barbecue: BY FAR!"
- Phaylon
"Barbeque (That thick Bostonian just grated on me)"
- Beav
LJ : Well, we hate to sound like a broken record, but.... Tie !
HAWK : Well, considering the Commander won best voice, I guess
we'll have to give the award to Barbeque !
CC : Phew.....
DESTRO : Now we come to those guys and gals that only got to shine
in the cartoon !
The "I searched for the toy at TRU !" award for best cartoon-only character !
1 - MASS Device Slave Girl
1 - Jeremy Penser
1 - B.A. Lacarr (Crazy Cobra Cook)
1 - The Gamesmaster
2 - Mara
2 - The window washer (Vindow Viper)
4 - Hector Ramirez
4 - Pythona
15 - Sparks
"The Queen of... no.. waitaminute"
- Jon S
"Pythona. Wait. Didn't she appear in the UK comic?"
- Notpicard (Yeah, but I'll ignore that -ed)
"That Crazy ass Dad who wanted revenge on Cobra forgot his name"
- Bill Leach (Oookay, that helps... -ed)
LJ : Good ol' Sparks !
DESTRO : I wouldn't mind seeing a toy of a Cobra cook. We could use
one. Of all of Cobra Commander's schemes, the most succesfull one
dealing with taking out his enemies was unintentional food poisoning !
LJ : A yes, the buried freighter incident. Didn't most of them survive ?
DESTRO : Survived, cloned, you name it. I'm surprised nobody did
a mind meld....
The "Who da hell... !?" award for WORST cartoon-only character !
1 - Professor Milani
1 - Honda Lou
1 - Fatal Fluffie
1 - Sparks
1 - Hector Ramirez
1 - Brittany "Bree" Van Mark (Lifeline's girlfriend)
1 - Airborne's brother
1 - Quick Kick's Girfriend's roommate (talk about OBSCURE -ed)
1 - Matthew Burke
1 - Vindow Viper
2 - Admiral Ledger
2 - Colonel Sharpe
3 - Quick Kick's girlfriend (Amber)
10 - Big Lob
"Fatal Fluffies, do these little furballs count?"
- Phillip Donnely ( Sure, why not.... -ed)
"Golobulus"
- Eleavitt2000 (He's not cartoon-only, he got a toy -ed)
"Any of the doctors that Cobra would capture and some how mind control into building weapons rather then just mind
control the Joes! "
- Bryan Segal
"Honda Lou. "Gosh dang gee! I'm a walkin' stereotype! Yeehaw!""
- Diana M
LJ : Hey, what a shocker !
Destro : Well, can YOU think of anybody who deserves it more ?
LJ : Good point.....
Destro : Now, let's rap things up with the last toon award !
The "Hire him! " award for actor you'd most want to do a voice in the toon !
1 - Henry Rollins - Zandar
1 - John Rhys-Davies - Destro
1 - Christopher Lee - Serpentor
1 - Ja Rule - Roadblock
1 - Robin Williams - A Dreadnock
1 - Harrison Ford - General Flagg III (Toy Flagg)
1 - Brad Pitt - Falcon
1 - Jeremy Irons - A mad scientist
1 - Mel Gibson - unspecified ( but a Joe wearing a kilt, apparantly -ed)
1 - Mark Hamill - Falcon
1 - Steve McQueen - unspecified
1 - James Coburn - Hawk
1 - Gilbert Gottfried - Cobra Commander
1 - Mr. T - Roadblock
1 - Keith Richards - Ripper
1 - Pee Wee Herman - Snake-Eyes
1 - Russel Crowe - Unspecified
1 - Vin Diesel - Not Specified
1 - Humphry Bogart - Shipwreck
1 - Mike Bell - Duke
1 - Bruce Campbell - Shipwreck
1 - Rachel Weisz - The Baroness
1 - Gary Oldman - Cobra Commander
1 - Samuel L Jackson - Heavy Duty
1 - James Earl Jones - Cobra Blackstar
1 - James Earl Jones - Golobulus
1 - James Earl Jones - Not Specified
2 - James Earl Jones - Destro
2 - Jack Nicholson - Shipwreck
3 - Sean Connery - Destro
"James Coburn (yes, I know he died) as Hawk"
- Tim Frankovich
"Christopher Lee as Serpentor. "This I Command" would be a heckuva lot
more imposing coming from him, don't you think?"
- Sidewinder
"Mr. T as Roadblock: I pity those Cobra fools, they shouldve stayed in school"
- Takedown
"James Earl Jones, he probably would've been better than the Penguin for
Golobulus."
- Phillip Donnely
"Hmm... how about Russell Crowe? He could perhaps play a sexy
foreign Joe equivalent as his character works with the Joe team
in his country (Australia or New Zealand, either one would be fine).
Or he would make a great, sexy Cobra."
- Lady K
"Mel Gibson. Come on, wouldnt you want a kilt wearing joe yelling
FREEDOM!!!!!!! all through the battle? Mel, the other motivational speaker."
- Macdowin
DESTRO : So who won this award, anyway ?
LJ : Well, Sean Connery got more specific votes, but James Earl Jones
got more actual votes....
DESTRO : Let's leave that one to the philosophers....
LJ : I'm cool with that ! Time to hit the bar ! Bye everybody !
Destro : Bye Dr. Nick.....
Destro and Lady Jaye make their way off stage as the closing theme to
the season one cartoon plays..... Hawk and Cobra Commander return.
HAWK : One category down, but lot's more to go !!
CC : We'll be right back......
HAWK : What the...!?
We switch to the Mambavision (TM) screen.....
Raptor : Hello friend !
Croc Master : Don't know what costume to get for halloween ?
Crystal Ball : Then surf to Arbcoweirdasscostumes.com, and check
out our extensive collection ! Don't delay, be a freak today !
The picture dissolves to another setting....
Cyber-Viper : Tired of those same old drab colors ?
HEAT-Viper : Want to try something a little different ?
Mega-Viper : Then head over to Brocaneoncoloremporium.com, and
find those colors that give your tank that little something extra, so
your neighbours won't belief their eyes !
The screen goes blank....
HAWK : What the hell was that ?
CC : We're trying some new sca.....errr business ideas. We spend a
lot of money on this show, gotta make the money back somehow !
HAWK : I...See.... Why do I suddenly feel dirty ?
CC : Well, you are a little smelly, all that running made you sweat a bit, huh ?
HAWK :(quickly) Moving on, we come to the COMIC category ! And here are the
hosts : Mistress Armada and Clutch !
"Born to be Wild" plays as Clust and Mistress Armada make their way
down the stairs.
CLUTCH : Hi there, folks !!!
M.ARMADA : Greetings.
CLUTCH : Well hellooooo ! *winks*
M.ARMADA : I knew there was a good reason they didn't tell me who
my co-host was going to be....
CLUTCH : Guess they wanted it to be a special surprise !
Clutch moves a hair closer to Mistress Armada....
M. ARMADA : I know 36 different ways to kill you in under two seconds....
CLUTCH : *gulp*
The "New book smell" award for best issue of the year !!
1 - First Marvel trade paperback
1 - No 2 (Battle Files)
1 - No 7 (Image regular)
1 - No 10 (Image regular)
1 - No 12 (Image regular)
2 - No 2 (Frontline series)
2 - No 8 (Image regular)
2 - No 9 (Image regular)
3 - No 1 - Reinstated (Image regular Joe series)
3 - No 4 (Image regular)
3 - No 5 (Image regular) "Out For Bludd"
3 - No 6 (Image regular)
3 - No 11 (Image regular)
9 - No 1 (Frontline series)
"Issue #1-Reinstated...The Joes are back,and they brought company!"
- KennyD
"Frontline 1. Larry's back !!"
- Dzirhan
CLUTCH : Well well.....
M. ARMADA : Amazing isn't ? Two years ago, who would have thought
there'd be this much new stuff to choose from ?
CLUTCH : Good point !
The "Radioactive Man 1" award for BEST issue EVER !
1 - No 2 (Special Missions)
1 - No 2 "Panic At The North Pole" (Marvel regular)
1 - Yearbook 1
1 - Yearbook 2
1 - Pitfall (Marvel regular)
1 - No 102 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 22 (Special Missions)
1 - No 49 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 34 "Shakedown" (Marvel regular)
1 - No 61 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 11 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 45 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 26 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 1 (Special Missions)
2 - No 109 "Death In The Desert" (Marvel regular)
2 - No 1 (Marvel regular)
2 - No 155 (Marvel regular)
4 - No 50 (Marvel regular)
7 - No 21 - "Silent Interlude" (Marvel regular)
"No 1 (Marvel Titel, There were so many great issues in the regular title that
I`m not really sure what issue was the best, so I would say # 1 because it
started one of the best comics ever published)"
- Nils Meyer
"No 155 A letter from snake-eyes Mostly because it was the only issue
and title together that I could remember."
- Macdowin
"No 21 of the main series. "Silent Interlude" This was the first issue I
received as a part of my subscription long ago. I loved it, and it actually
made me read some more comics, where I used to just scan through the
other subscriptions my mother bought me."
- Notpicard
M. ARMADA : Still number one, Silent Interlude !
CLUTCH : A comic without any words whatsoever.... Who knew it
would be so highly acclaimed !
M. ARMADA : If you were in such a comic, I'd acclaim it too....
The "Heroes Reborn" award for WORST issue ever !
1 - No 2 (Image regular)
1 - No 1 (Image regular)
1 - No 1 (3D comics)
1 - No 13 (Image regular)
1 - No 44 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 119 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 141 "Suckerpunch" (Marvel regular)
1 - No 143 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 153 (Marvel regular)
2 - No 3 (Image regular)
2 - No 139 (Marvel regular)
2 - No 154 (Marvel regular)
3 - No 155 (Marvel regular)
5 - No 1 (GIJoe Vs Transformers)
6 - No 24 - Ladies Day (Special Missions)
"GI Joe Special Missions No 24 (Every year I have to look this stupid
thing up, since I try to block it out of my mind...)"
- Tim Frankovich
"Image No 2. Cobra Commander out of comission so easily? Greenshirt joes? Hrm. Didn't like this issue."
- Sidewinder
"No 141 SuckerPunchninjas galore and Transformers! And all
in the same issue!"
- Alex A
CLUTCH : But.... But that's my favorite issue !
M. ARMADA : Figures.....
CLUTCH : Come on ! Joe girls as cheerleaders !
M. ARMADA : Exactly. Plus, Raptor AND Crystal Ball..... I'm surprised
people don't torch every issue they find !
The "New blood" award for best Image issue ever !
1 - No 2 (Frontline)
1 - No 2 (Battle Files)
1 - No 10 (Regular)
1 - No 7 (Regular)
1 - No 9 (Regular)
2 - No 11 (Regular)
2 - No 8 (Regular)
2 - No 4 (Regular)
3 - No 6 (Regular)
3 - No 1 (Regular)
4 - No 1 (Frontline)
6 - No 5 (Regular) "Out for Bludd"
"No 5, liked the stand-alone story"
- Beav
"Reinstated No 1, just because I missed the comics for so long"
- Jon S
"(redundant) No 10"
- Batdan (No it isn't , there are also the comics from 2001 -ed)
CLUTCH : Cheeky fellow....
M. ARMADA : And more to come.....
CLUTCH : For the next one, I'm still rooting for the cheerleader issue !!
The "Special, damn right !" award for best special missions issue ever !
1 - No 28
1 - No 22
1 - No 17
1 - No 0 (Regular no 50 preview)
2 - No 13
2 - No 14
2 - No 4
2 - No 5
2 - No 6
4 - No 2
7 - No 1
"No 2, Words of Honorfulfilled all the promise of the Special Missions
concept."
- Kowalski
"Tiger force, tiger force! I should be giving numbers here, but my collection
of comics has mysteriously disappeared. (Cry for me!)"
- Diana M
M. ARMADA : Like the cartoon, it seems the first one is the best !
CLUTCH : It was a great story ! Doublecross, double double cross ! Great !
M. ARMADA : And now, for the obvious......
The "Special my a....." award for worst Special Missions issue ever !
M. ARMADA : Look, it's "Ladies day". No 24. It always has been
No 24 and it always will be No 24. It's the one with Crystal Ball
and Raptor and the Joes drive Stinger Jeeps for some reason and
the girls walk around like cheerleaders...
CLUTCH : Breathe..... Anyway, for completeness sake.....
1 - No 2
1 - No 6
1 - No 9
1 - No 22
1 - No 12 - Airshow
2 - No 7
10 - No 24 - Ladies Day
M. ARMADA : Sorry, I feel better now...
CLUTCH : No problem !
Clutch tries to move closer again....
M. ARMADA : Ever had an high heel stab you sharply in a place that
was designed to be treated gently ?
CLUTCH : Frequently.
Mistress Armada shudders.
The "Send Hollywood the script !" award for best story arc ever !
1 - Candy/Bongo arc
1 - assault on Cobra island to fall of the Pit
1 - Walls of Death - GIJoe vs. October Guard
1 - Panic at the North Pole
1 - Destro : Search And Destroy
1 - First mission into Sierra Gordo (??? -ed)
1 - Creation of Serpentor
1 - Capture and freeing of Stalker etc. in Borovia
1 - Snake-Eyes Trilogy
1 - Trucial Abysmia War
1 - First issues, the beginning
2 - Finding the Hard Master's murderer
2 - Benzheen War
2 - Snake-Eyes , the origin
3 - The rise of Cobra Island
13 - Cobra Civil War
"The first couple issues, when things were just getting underway"
- Jon S
"Cobra Civil War, because it was a very big story and I always liked it
when there are so many characters"
- Nils Meyer
CLUTCH : Those were some battles !
M.ARMADA (smiling) : I've read about that ! The Baroness got strapped to
an HISS tank, right ?
CLUTCH : Ohhh, you like that kinda stuff, huh ?
M. ARMADA : It's people like you that make women never drink alcohol
at parties.
The "They wasted so many issues on THIS !?" award for worst story arc !
1 - Death in the desert
1 - Of birds and men (3D story)
1 - Snake-Eyes : The Origin
1 - Snake-Eyes Trilogy
2 - Eco Warriors
2 - Reinstated (Image)
2 - Scarlett "defects" to Cobra
4 - GIJoe vs Transformers G2 (Destro castle arc)
5 - Ninja Force (GIJoe : Starring Snake-Eyes)
5 - GIJoe vs Transformers (original limited series)
"Python Patrol (okay, so it's not really an ARC, but it was bad enough...)"
- Tim Frankovich
"that teeny tiny ninja thing. Anyone remember ninjas?"
- Diana M
"Any arc with Snake eyes other than "The Orgin of". SE was over used."
- Dave
M. ARMADA : Tie time !
HAWK : Huge alien robots that can kill us in a flash, or ninjas in all
sorts of gaudy colors ?
CC : I'll just flip a coin..... There, it's Ninja Force !!
HAWK : And we actually get paid for this.....
CLUTCH : Paid ?
HAWK : Uhmmm.... Forget I said that.....
The "Got every single one !" award for best comic series !
1 - Image regular
1 - GIJoe Vs. Transformers
2 - Yearbooks
9 - Special Missions
24 - Regular (Marvel)
"Rarely was Special missions used just to present the newest character,
and vehicles were barely even used. Just straight forward military fiction
that didnt even feature Cobra the majority of the time."
- Scramble
"Marvel Regular (Maybe this Question is more interesting when Devil`s Due has at least 50 issues) "
- Nils Meyer
CLUTCH : The original is still the best !
M. ARMADA : The millenium is still young....
The "Spock" award for best comic death !
1 - Fred VII
1 - Cool Breeze
1 - Strato-Viper (Special Missions 6)
1 - General Flagg
2 - Soft Master
3 - Dr. Venom
4 - Kwinn
5 - Doc
6 - Sneak Peek
11 - Serpentor
"Doc, also the saddest"
- Dave
"All killed by the SAW Viper"
- Troy X
"I'm still waiting for Sgt. Slaughter to die. (that one would be great!) "
- Marc De Ruiter
"Storm Shadow's death at the hands of the Baroness"
- Rock-viper/Sicko (He. Didn't. Die. -ed)
"This otherwise unexplored character gets gunned down being noble.
Dustys friendship with SP means so much to him that he risks his life
carrying the body back to camp."
- Scramble (On Sneak Peek)
"Is there such a thing as a "best death?""
- Phillip Donnely
"Serpentor (Not due to happiness for his death, but for the "style" of it :-) )"
- Beav
CLUTCH : Well, all arrows were pointing to him....
M. ARMADA : Did Timmer work on Attack of the Clones ? The quality
of the puns seem to be pointing in that direction.
CLUTCH : Maybe Serpentor could get a job at Target ?
M. ARMADA : *Groan*
The "Tasha Yar" award for worst comic death !
1 - Maverick
1 - Sneak Peek
1 - General Flagg
1 - Quick Kick
1 - Dee-Jay
1 - Sneak Peek 2 (Image comic)
2 - Serpentor
3 - Cool Breeze
3 - Breaker
4 - BF2000
9 - Doc
"Doc. Man,watching Doc die was like watching Mufasa Die in Lion King."
- Diana M
"Everyone on the freighter on Cobra Island"
- Karl (Sledge)
"The Emirate of Benzheen mission accident (when the parachute
malfunctioned)"
- Macdowin (???? -ed)
"Sneak Peek II (they did this one just to shoot a new guy, and connect
the names in death)."
- John Missal
"Any of the Im deadjust kidding!"
- Joegirl
"Cool Breeze (oh, come on.... stupid melodramatic "Yeah, I learned what
it means to be a Joe" BS death. Even more pronounced than Mangler's.)"
- Beav
"Fire Fly. Mainly because he didn't die in the freighter..."
- Sidewinder
"No 155-the end of the Joe era"
- KennyD
"Cross Countrybecause sometimes the worst deaths are the ones that
didnt happen but should have. "
- Kowalski
"When the Cobra Rage blew up and three Joes went down in a single pane. "
- Jon S
M. ARMADA : Wow. Cobra did some real damage in their time !
CLUTCH : I'll say... And yet Supertrooper lives to this day !
The "Leonardo" award for best artist !
1 - Steve Kurth
1 - Andy Kubert
1 - Russ Heath
1 - Kevin Sharpe
1 - Rick Leonardi
1 - Micheal Golden
1 - David Micheal Beck
1 - Dave Dorman
1 - Andrew Wildman
1 - Lee Weeks
2 - Dan Jurgens
2 - Scott Campbell
3 - Herb Trimpe
4 - Rod Whigham
"Rod Whigham always penciled the Joes how they were in my imagination,
very talented guy"
- Nils Meyer
CLUTCH : They never drew Cover Girl they way she was in my imagination....
M. ARMADA : I'm not even gonna ask....
The "Leonarda, the Ninja Turlte" award for worst artist !
1 - Ernie Stiner
1 - Andrew Wildman
1 - Phil Gossier
1 - Herb Trime
2 - Todd McFarlane
2 - Josh Blaylock
2 - Tony Salmons
8 - Steve Kurth
"Meor if you mean for the comic, the one for Image, but only in the
beginning, hes really improved."
- Alex A
"People complain too much about Kurth. Let's take a look at Marvel
issue No 69 Tony Salmons. Yuck!"
- Notpicard
"I still contend that Herb Trime drew those early planes as blimps with
wings."
- Phillip Donnely
"McFarlaine. I don't even care about spelling his name right.
He can rot, him and his stupid balls,baseballs, I mean. Well,either,really."
- Diana M
CLUTCH : Now THAT'S hostility !
M. ARMADA : Perhaps this Diana would be interested in a career with Cobra ?
The "Spiderman" award for favorite comic character !
1 - Ace
1 - Chuckles
1 - Shockwave
1 - SAW-Viper (Joe killer)
1 - Lady J
1 - Destro
1 - Zartan
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Kwinn
1 - Baroness
1 - Duke
1 - Tunnelrat
2 - Serpentor
2 - Dr. Venom
3 - Stalker
3 - Clutch
3 - Storm Shadow
3 - Cobra Commander
4 - Flint
5 - Snake-Eyes
"Cobra Commander. Threatening, evil to the core. The way he should be."
- Sidewinder
M. ARMADA : Oh, look, it's ninja boy.....
CLUTCH : Don't you like him ?
M. ARMADA : Look, we can throw everything at him, power suits, other
ninjas, the kitchen sink, the kitchen attached to said sink, and we still
get our asses handed to us by him.... Throw in some tights and a
cape and you have Superman !
CLUTCH : Nah, Superman could be stopped with kryptonite !
The "Waste of space" award for worst comic character !
1 - Bumblebee ( Yeah, he counts... -ed)
1 - Sneak Peek
1 - Cool Breeze
1 - Charbroil
1 - Cross Country
1 - Clean Sweep
1 - Gung Ho
1 - Scarlett
1 - Cesspool
1 - Headman
1 - Wild Bill
1 - Raptor
1 - Crystal Ball
1 - Lady Jaye
2 - Fred VII
2 - Serpentor
2 - White Clown
2 - Bazooka
2 - Bongo The Balloon Bear
3 - Alexander Destro
5 - Snake-Eyes
"Cesspool..no, Headman..can I just answer the "We need a new
bad guy and want to appeal to parents by being so correct by saying
Drugs and Pollution are bad character?" What's next, Tobbaco King?
Oh, and the White Clown is pretty bad, too. "Magda, Magda!" What
a wuss. I guess life can suck pretty hard when you climb out of tiny
cars for a living"
- Diana M
"SE.. got overused way too much in the end.."
- Dave
"Snake Eyes. Over rated anyone?"
- Sidewinder
CLUTCH : What the hell !?
M. ARMADA : Uhm.... This is one screwed-up fandom.
CLUTCH : I think it's best to let the fans fight it out for themselves.
The "Customized long ago" award for best comic-exclusive character !
1 - The Soft Master
1 - The Blind Master
1 - Lola
1 - White Clown
1 - Mistress Armada
1 - Mangler
1 - Fred IV
2 - General Flagg
2 - Dr. Venom
2 - Scarface
8 - Billy
11 - Kwinn
"General Flagg Sr. (that wasn't really him in the MASS Device)"
- Jon S
"Kwinn the Eskimo. A man of honor and pride, and a fearful warrior.
He could have been GREAT."
- General Hawk
CLUTCH : Hey, you got a vote !
M. ARMADA : About time too. Kwinn is a fine winner, though.
CLUTCH : As far as Eskimo mercenaries go, and there are quite a
few, he was OK !
The "SAW-Viper, where are you ?" award for worst comic-only character.
1 - General Liederkranz
1 - General Austin
1 - Kwinn
1 - Greenshirts
1 - Anderson
1 - Dr. Burkhart
1 - Cool Breeze
1 - Orlovsky the dwarf
1 - Dr. Biggles-Jones
1 - White Clown
1 - Sioban O'Hara
2 - Alexander Destro
2 - Fred
5 - Billy
7 - Bongo The Balloon Bear (Candy Apple)
"Candy (AKA Ripcords Girlfriend)-She was just there to die anyway"
- Zedhatch
"Candy Appel. Her life sucked. She had a stupid name, dressed up
as a bear called "Bongo", dated one a guy who insisted she called
him "Ripcord", had a terrorist for a dad and died in a firey wreck on
the highway.- The White Clown, again, is a close second. His life sucked
big bottles of goat-fur, too. Plus, clowns are freakin scary.
And he was a whiner."
- Diana M
M.ARMADA : Hmmm. Can't really add anything to that.
ANNOUNCER : Ladies and gentlemen, the "funniest issue" award
has been dropped due to huge unpopularity and a large tie-situation.
CLUTCH : But don't worry folks, there's plenty of awards to come !
The "Du-Du-Duuuun" award for most dramatic issue ever !
1 - No 13 (Special Missions)
1 - No 2 (Special Missions)
1 - No 126 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 50 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 44 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 71 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 94 (Marvel regular)
2 - No 34 (Marvel regular)
3 - No 155 (Marvel regular)
4 - No 21 (Marvel regular)
5 - No 109 (Marvel regular)
CLUTCH : There you have it ! Carnage means drama !
M.ARMADA : And that's the end of the comic category, folks !
CLUTCH : So what do you say you and me head backstage and
get to know eachother a little better ?
M. ARMADA : (grinning) Sure thing, sweetie.
Clutch and Mistress Armada make their way off stage, with clutch
putting his arm around her waist. Hawk and Cobra Commander return.
HAWK : Well, two categories down ! And the next one....
CLUTCH (from backstage) : AAAAARRRRCCCHHHHH !!!!!
CC : Looks like Lifeline and Stretcher will have their hands full tonight.
HAWK : I'm glad. I was thinking of having him neutered. Say, could you
send that chick to deal with Shipwreck too ?
CC : We'll talk later.
HAWK : As I was saying folks, the next category is one that always
brings back a few painful memories for us Joes.
CC : AND for certain Cobras !
HAWK : As you might have guessed, we have come to the category
that featured the first Joe buttslap in history, the MOVIE category !
CC : And presenting the awards, the buttslappee, JINX and real
butthead, NEMESIS ENFORCER !
The opening tune to the movie plays, as we see Jinx come down
the stairs, while Nemesis Enforcer flies in.
JINX : Thanks for that....unique introduction . Good to be here, and
good to see my co-host too ! How are you ?
NEMMY : "..."
JINX : Ah yes, I forgot, the strong silent type. Not sure how this is
gonna work....
Nemesis Enforcer produces a large piece of paper that reads :
"Just give out the first damn award"
JINX : Sheesh..... OK !
The "Embarrasing" award for best movie moment !
1 - Sgt. Slaughter vs. Nenemis Enforcer
1 - Pythona vs. Crimson Guards in hallway
1 - "We all go home or nobody goes home"
1 - Cobra-La battle cry
1 - Falcon slapping Jinx on the ass
1 - Duke reveals he's Falcon's brother
1 - Beach Head trains the Rawhides
1 - Falcon gets beaten by Serpentor
1 - Slaughter introduced himself to Falcon
1 - Introduction of the Renegades
1 - The ending
1 - Duke getting the snake in the chest
1 - Duke Vs. Serpentor for the BET
2 - Closing credits
3 - Pythona enters the Terrordrome
3 - "Man, who ever heard of getting shot down by salad!?"
24 - Opening Sequence
"the Zarana strip that never happened"
- Sicko
"Pressing "eject" "
- John Missal
"I really didnt know there was one"
- Alex A
"Pythona's attack on the Terrordrome. I think seeing that sequence is one of
the main reasons why there are so many Pythona customs. She was
Cobra-La's redeeming quality. Well, the name "Nemesis Enforcer" is
pretty cool too."
- Notpicard
"I'm sorry, they made a Joe Movie? in my world, it never happened"
- Dave
JINX : Embarrasing indeed.
Nemesis enforcer produces another note :
"Orange Juice"
JINX : Huh ? You've got your signs out of order, beetlebreath !
Nemmy quickly pens a note :
"This is exactly why Snake-Eyes or me never present large sections
of this thing."
The "even more embarrasing" award for WORST movie moment !
1 - Introduction of Golobulus
1 - Terrordrome destroyed
1 - "We shut of the BET"
1 - Cobra Commander is introduced as a member of Cobra-La
1 - Joes get captured by Cobra-La plants
1 - Chuckles throwing a missile at the Hiss
1 - Duke's "Death"
2 - Duke lives ending
2 - Cobra-La creatures vs the Joes
2 - Snake-Eyes gets slapped by a Royal Guard
3 - Cobra Commander turns into a snake
6 - Cobra-La history/backstory
6 - Cobra-Lalalalalalaaaa battle cry
13 - Everything but the opening sequence
"Duke lives. Even as a kid I felt that was just put in there as a last-minute
afterthought. I'm one of those reclusive "Cobra-La wasn't so bad" fans,
so nothing to do with it will make a bad list."
- Sidewinder
"Cobra-La battle cry (like fingernails to a chalkboard)"
- Joegirl
"Cobraaaaaaaaaaaaa LALALALALALALALA..it was so stupid you had
to laugh..kinda like the Beavis and Butthead Cartoons "
- Ann G
"Having to sit through Sgt. Slaughter mumble his lines.
"Blurglrblurgleblurgleblurgle, arthritic grandmother, blurglr no weapon,
blurglebleurgel, USA!" (Punches something)"
- Diana M
"Pressing "play" "
- John Missal
"Its inception."
- Divineshockwave
JINX : Ahem....
Nemmy produces a new note :
"At least I don't dress up as a bird."
RAPTOR (from the audience) : HEY !
The "At least he didn't suck too bad" award for best character in the movie !
1 - Tunnelrat
1 - Roadblock
1 - Destro
2 - Zarana
2 - Cobra Commander
2 - Serpentor
2 - Law
2 - Golobulus
2 - Mercer
2 - Jinx
2 - Pythona
2 - Duke
3 - Nemesis Enforcer
3 - Big Lob (BIG LOB !??! -ed)
4 - Beach Head
4 - Sgt. slaughter
9 - Falcon
"Golobulus (shrug, he had a good voice...)"
- Tim Frankovich
"Big Lob, I know everyone hates him, but he's just so over the top that I
love him! Um, in a non-sexual way, that is..."
- Phillip Donnely
"Lt. Falcon. I liked the focus on him in the film, it was nice to see someone
other than Duke or Lady Jaye in the spotlight."
- Sidewinder
JINX : I......got beaten by Big Lob !?
Nemesis Enforcer shrugs.
JINX : Even after I did all those nude scenes !?
Nemesis Enforcer looks quite surprised.
JINX : Well, according to Falcon, they were all cut because of
censor input, be he filmed hours of....
Nemesis Enforcer folds his arms and looks sternly at Jinx.
JINX : ......Oh.
The "Guess who !" award for WORST character in the Movie !
1 - Dr. Mindbender
1 - Zarana
1 - Destro
1 - Pythona
1 - Tunnelrat
1 - Jinx
2 - Serpentor
2 - Nemesis Enforcer
2 - Duke
3 - Golobulus
4 - Falcon
5 - Chuckles
5 - Cobra Commander
15 - Big Lob
"Everyone new"
- Cabanajack
"Destro because one of the most prolific characters was regulated to
supporting actor"
- Sharpshot
"Pythona. Venomous claws, oh yeah, impressive. Especially when the only
other animal with venomous claws I can think of is a platypus. She looks
nothing like a platypus, but I guess the connection could be there.
I bet she has a pouch. Serpentor'sprobably into that in a big way."
- Diana M
"Duke. I have never really liked him and now that I had to think about it, I
think his scenes are the ones I find to be the least fun. However, he is
hands down more endurable than the kid at the beginning of my copy of the
VHS tape. I don't know how many others have seen him explain how to
adjust the tracking on your VCR, but I'm just glad DVDs don't need it."
- Notpicard
"The Cobra-La bugs"
- Lady K
"Cobra-La"
- Lurker (That's.... half the cast, non-speaking anyway -ed)
"Jinx. Ugh. Hurrah for bad Asian stereotypes."
- Divineshockwave
JINX : ....And that's what Falcon's got coming to him !
Nemmy is heaving, but composes himself after a few moments.
JINX : That's all from the movie ! See you later !
Jinx walks offstage, while taking a knife from her belt. Nemesis Enforcer
flies of as the closing theme from the movie plays. Hawk and Cobra
Commander return.
HAWK : I guess Clutch won't be the only one needing medical attention !
CC : yup. We'll be right back.
HAWK : Don't do....
We switch to the Mambavision (TM) screen.
DESTRO (In Pimp Daddy outfit) : Hello friends ! For a short time only,
we are offering the DVD GIJoe : The movie, the director's cut !
What we did basically, is replace all that Cobra-La stuff with footage
of Jinx, wich we obtained from a private source out to make a quick
buck. Log on to spicyjinxsflic.com and order today ! The first 500
orders will get a free extra DVD with exclusive Zarana footage !
The screen goes blank.
HAWK : I..... You.....
Hawk shakes his head in disgust.
CC : Hey, don't look at me ! It was Destro's idea !
HAWK : Really ? I'll have to ask him about that. He's normally a noble
kind of guy.
CC : Yeah, but when those pimp pants come on, it's like a total
transformation.
HAWK : Mild-mannered arms dealer by day....
CC : Pimping showboat at night !
DESTRO (From backstage) : GET ON WITH IT !
HAWK : Perhaps we should.... And we come to one humdinger of a
category : the TOYS section ! This year, hosted by DUKE and OVERKILL !
The song "Mr. Roboto" plays, but is quickly replaced with "Duke of Earl".
Duke and Overkill make their way down the stairs.
DUKE : These theme tunes get weirder every year !
OVERKILL : BATS ATTACK !
DUKE : Uhmmm.... What ?
OVERKILL : DESTROY ! DESTROY !
DUKE : I think this is worse than Nemesis Enfo.....
OVERKILL WIPE OUT ! WIPE.....
Just then, Overkill is hit with a bolt of tazer-fire. Dr. Mindbender steps
onto the stage, holding a large tazer-rifle.
MINDBENDER : Sorry about that. There are a few bugs in his system.
DUKE : You don't say.....
MINDBENDER : I think it best if I take his place.
A bunch of Techno-Vipers take Overkill's limp body and the tazer-gun
backstage.
DUKE : Fine with me. I have to admit, this is gonna be one fun section !
Never before have there been so many new things to choose from, as
I'm sure the votes will prove !
MINDBENDER : So let's start, and start in STYLE !
The "Now THAT'S a Joe figure" award for BEST figure of the year !
1 - Crosshair
1 - Crimson Viper (Convention exclusive)
1 - Crimson Baroness (Convention exclusive)
1 - Headman v2
1 - Stalker (Wave 3)
1 - Flint (Wave 3)
1 - Cobra Commander (Wave 1.35)
1 - Cobra Commander (Wave 3)
1 - Baroness (Wave 3)
1 - Blowtorch (Wave 3)
1 - BAT v3 (Wave 4)
1 - Scarlett (Wave 3)
2 - Stalker (Wave 2)
2 - Viper (Wave 1,Green )
2 - Neo Viper v1 (Wave 1)
2 - Alley Viper (Wave 1.5, blue)
2 - Duke (Wave 4)
3 - Beah Head v4 (Wave 3)
3 - Viper (Wave 2,Blue visor)
3 - Shock Viper v1
3 - Ripper (Wave 4)
3 - Wild Bill (Wave 4)
4 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
6 - Snow Serpent (Wave 3)
10 - Snake Eyes v14 (Wave 3, black)
"Shipwreck...finally..a break with the diver suits..hallelujah!!! :) "
- Ann G
"2002 Headman (Pimpin' ain't easy, but it's stylin')"
- Mike Taber
"Wild Bill. Snake Eyes is probably the one I enjoy the most, but Wild Bill
is just a better figure. His hat seriously doesn't even look like it comes
off its so perfect. And the accessories for him were finally new and
indicative of his character, something the line has been missing since the
early 90s."
- Notpicard
"Snow Serpent. I'm not normally into snow stuff that much, but this is where
the new sculpts started to get it right. He looks cool, believable, and has
a pet (awww)"
- Chris J
"Viper Repaint. More downplayed than the original but with that generic
trooper quality. No Cobra Fodder has ever screamed definitive like
this Viper"
- Scramble (??? I'm gonna assume you mean the forest-camo one -ed)
"Ripper? I think? it's so hard...."
- seaN
"That Snow Serpent just looks awesome,even though he'd look best on a
taun-taun."
- Diana M
"Ooo, thats a tough one. Baroness. Wow! Look at that figure
I mean the toy!"
- Macdowin
"Snake Eyes series 3 all black. Black is back and the boy looks damn
good again!!! He is also very articulate "
- Bryan Segal
DUKE : Well, I can't say I'm totally surprised.....
MINDBENDER : There must be some mistake. I don't see my name
up there !
DUKE : Probably because you raided Destro's clotheslocker. We didn't
really need to see so much chest.
MINDBENDER : I spend 10 years building up my body. No way I'm not
showing it off now !
The "Oh dear...." award for WORST figure of the year !
1 - Duke (Wave 1.35 repaint, tan)
1 - Surefire (wave 1.5)
1 - Desert Cobra CLAWS (Wave 2)
1 - Flint/Rock 'n Roll , reissued with the repackaged 2001 HQ
1 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
1 - Firefly (BJ exclusive)
1 - Storm Shadow (Wave 1)
1 - Dr. Mindbender (Wave 3)
1 - Big Brawler
1 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 1)
1 - Firefly (Wave 2)
1 - Zartan (Wave 2)
1 - Gung Ho (Wave 1)
1 - Scarlett (Wave 2)
1 - Cobra CLAWS v1 (Wave 1)
1 - Destro (Wave 1.35)
2 - Frostbite Wave 1
2 - Destro (driver, wave 1)
3 - Beach Head (Wave 3)
3 - Baroness (Wave 3)
4 - Wild Weasel v2 (TRU Exclusive)
4 - Nunchuck (Wave 2)
4 - Duke (wave 1)
6 - Heavy Duty v3
9 - Destro (Wave 1)
"Any from wave 1"
- Prozac/Tim Frankovich
"Desert CLAWS. Aweful articulation, aweful proportions, aweful colors made
even worse by being released with many O-Ring style figures.
This thing just looks plain ugly."
- General Hawk
"Destro (Version Seven, Dominator Driver) I picked what I see as the worst
sculpt of the year, and then picked the least-well painted. I hate this figure
as much as I hate Dr. Mindbender, but more. At least Mindbender looks ok.
This...thing doesn't even resemble Destro, and it looks horrible."
- Sidewinder
"BJ's Firefly (Yes, I dipped my head in crap. You got a problem with
that?!?)"
- Mike Taber
"Oh this is easy. Wild Weasel. Someone said he looked like the shrunken
head guy from Beetle Juice. They're right."
- Notpicard
"Baroness ( good lord she is bowlegged, easy there destro)"
- BgddPhil
"Beach Head a good color scheme, but I can't forgive the
bowleggedness."
- John Missal (It's people like YOU that make bow-legged people dye
their hair ! -ed, keeping the running gag alive !)
"Baroness (wave 3) - I mean, she just looks too much like a robot."
- Joe Harris
"Zartan. What the hell is this? What's that crap on his arms?
Why is he wearing a shirt with a collar that deep? He looks like
a crazy pervert druid."
- Hooper_X
"Do I really need to say Destro, or is this just taken for granted..."
- seaN (You need to say what version. Destro.... Oh fuggedit, I'll just pick the
first carded version... -ed)
"Big Brawler... pseudo-Jesse Ventura neo-nazi, anyone?"
- Divineshockwave (There's a phrase you don't see every day... -ed)
"Heavy Duty (I bought a tank of gas today and got a free Heavy Duty.
That guy's everywhere.)"
- Beav
"CLAWS - Cobra didn't need any ape men "
- Wowboy
MINDBENDER : How the mighty have fallen !
DUKE : I must admit, that figure was pretty horrible, no matter what
colorscheme you give it.
MINDBENDER : On to better things !
The "Better than the original !" award for best repaint of the year !
1 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3, black version)
1 - Shock Viper v2
1 - Mirage v2
1 - Fast Blast Viper v2 (BJ pack)
1 - Cobra Commander (Black and red, wave 1.35)
1 - Crimson Viper (Convention exclusive)
1 - Crimson Baroness (Convention exclusive)
1 - Skullbuster ( Borderline -ed)
1 - Undertow v3 (BJ pack)
1 - Storm Shadow (Wave 1.35)
1 - Dialtone (BJ exclusive)
1 - Zartan (Wave 3)
1 - Alley Viper (Wave 2, red)
2 - Tomax/Xamot v2
2 - Headman v2
3 - Serpentor v2
4 - Shock Viper v1 (borderline again -ed)
4 - Viper (Wave 1.5,green)
9 - Viper (Wave 2 ,Blue visor)
12 - Alley Viper (Wave 1.5, Blue)
"Shock Viper. Took one of the most ridiculed figures in Joe history,
and turned it into one of the most sought-after army builders there is.
This is an excellent demonstration of how a good paint job makes
the difference. A name change didn't hurt, either."
- Sidewinder ( I.....guess he's a repaint -ed)
"Would Sideswipe count? If so, him. Because I've met him!"
- Hooper_X (Nope, new character and head, I think... -ed)
"Alley Viper (blue). Vipers lose out because they just don't have the right
legs. Shock Viper v2 is finally a great color of a decent mold. But Alley
Viper has camo that really fits his purpose. In a lot of ways, this color
makes more sense than Alley Viper v1. For that, it is a great figure."
- Notpicard
DUKE : Anything makes more sense than bright orange.
MINDBENDER : What about neon green ?
DUKE : Probably a close call....
The "And it's not even neon" award for WORST repaint of the year !
1 - Gung Ho (Wave 1.35)
1 - Dusty v5
1 - General Hawk (Wave 1.5)
1 - Dusty (Wave 4)
1 - Slice v4
1 - Tomax/Xamot v2
1 - Wild Weasel (Funskool)
1 - Moray (Wave 1.35)
1 - Desert Cobra CLAWS (Wave 2)
1 - Viper (Wave 1.5, green)
1 - Shock Viper v2
2 - Headman v2
2 - Frostbite (Wave 1.35)
2 - Snake-Eyes (BJ Exclusive)
3 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 1.35)
3 - Skullbuster
3 - Sure Fire v2
4 - Big Ben v5
5 - Firefly - BJ repaint
6 - Duke (Wave 1.35, Tan )
7 - Roadblock (BJ repaint)
"That purple Range/Rock Viper,Skull Buster. What is this,Prince and the
Revolution?"
- KennyD
"Headman Hamburgler"
- Cabanajack
"Shit brown Duke"
- Prozac
"Big Pimpin Caddillac Snake Eyes from the BJ's set."
- seaN
"Lifeline (Wave 5) because of the Peach fuzz"
- Zedhatch (That's not technically a repaint -ed)
"Lifeline v5. Beards are fine. Needing to shave is fine. Drinking
from the toilet is bad."
- Chris J (That's not a repaint, technically. New head -ed)
"Cobra C.L.A.W.S. Wave 4"
- Eleavitt2000 ( That's not a repaint, technically, as he's got new O-ring
construction. -ed)
"BJ's Exclusive Roadblock. Just plain gross. RB deserved MUCH better for his
triumphant return to the RAH fold..."
- General Hawk
DUKE : Poor, poor Roadblock.
MINDBENDER : Beat ya by a nosehair, though. Good thing there was
a BJ set, right ?
DUKE : It has its uses.
The "Yes, they exist" award for best figure without an o-ring !
1 - Neo viper Commander (Wave 2)
1 - Cobra CLAWS v3 (FANG Pilot)
1 - Moray v1
1 - FANG III Pilot
1 - Neo Viper (Wave 1.35)
2 - Storm Shadow (Wave 1)
2 - Gung Ho (Wave 1)
2 - Moray (Wave 1.35)
3 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 1)
3 - Desert Cobra CLAWS (Wave 2)
5 - Cobra Commander (Wave 1.35)
6 - Cobra Commander (Wave 1)
6 - Wetsuit (Wave 1)
7 - Cobra CLAWS (Wave 1)
10 - Neo Viper (Wave 1)
"Was there one?"
- Prozac (Talk to the award's name -ed)
"Neo Viper V1 - I hate them all anyway !"
- Sentimental Zombie
"Neo-Viper. He had the best proportions, despite the wacky arm molding."
- Sidewinder
"There wasn't one."
- Tim Frankovich
"The only 2002 o-ringless figure was Dusty, if Im not mistaken."
- Scramble (??? I think we should sit down and have a conversation over
the exact definition of "o-ringless" and "2002". -ed)
MINDBENDER : Army builder, never fails !
DUKE : They could probably be articulated like a brick and still sell !
MINDBENDER : Shhh ! You want Hasbro to hear this ?
The "New goodness" award for best new mold !
1 - Dusty (Wave 1 Driver)
1 - Crosshair
1 - Dart
1 - Cobra Commander (Wave 1.35)
1 - Cobra Commander (Wave 3)
1 - Baroness (Wave 3)
1 - Flint (Wave 3)
1 - BAT v3 (Wave 4)
2 - Stalker (Wave 3)
2 - Snow Serpent (Wave 3)
3 - Duke v11 (Wave 4)
3 - Blowtorch (Wave 3)
3 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3)
4 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3, black)
4 - Stalker (Wave 2)
4 - Wild Bill (Wave 4)
4 - Beach Head v4 (Wave 3)
4 - Scarlett (Wave 2)
5 - Ripper v2 (Wave 4)
6 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
"Baroness - just because I love the baroness, I just hate those new
"extra-bulky" molds"
- Sentimental Zombie
"Beachead-Enough classic elements combined with new ones to make him
perfect (after operateing on the legs that is)"
- Zedhatch
"The new Flint I kept seeing on the net, but have yet to see on shelves.
It was cartoon Flint. They're probably still trying to figure out how to
package his ego."
- Diana M
DUKE : Did ya hear that, Flint ?
MINDBENDER : You should talk.
DUKE : Ahem. Hey, another award for shipwreck tonight ! He's gonna be
celebrating tonight !
MINDBENDER : Cleanup-Vipers on standbye.
The "Uuuuug-ly" award for WORST new mold !
1 - Duke (Wave 1)
1 - Duke (Wave 4)
1 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 1)
1 - Baroness (Wave 3)
1 - Dusty (Wave 2)
1 - Cobra CLAWS (Wave 1)
1 - Cobra CLAWS (Wave 2)
2 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
2 - Wild Weasel v2 (TRU Exclusive)
2 - Frostbite (Wave 1)
2 - Firefly (Wave 2)
2 - Dr. Mindbender (Wave 3)
2 - Flint (Wave 3)
2 - Gung Ho (Wave 1)
2 - Scarlett (Wave 2)
3 - Heavy Duty (Wave 1)
3 - Nunchuck (Wave 2)
5 - Zartan (Wave 2)
13 - Destro (Wave 1)
"Any from Wave 1"
- Prozac
"O-ringless fall-down Snake Eyes. Now, I know I'm biased, but
his face sculpt sucked. Also, he fell down. I'm sure it was a stealthy,
ninja kind of fall down, but it was still falling down."
- Diana M
"Mindbender. Maybe I just hate the character, but mad disco scientists arent
appealing to me."
- Scramble
"Destro-He just looks constipated in that mask."
- Zedhatch
"Destro. That face of his is just plain scary and twisted. Relative of yours
Timmer?"
- Macdowin
"Destro"
- Various (AAAARRCHHHH.... THERE. HAVE. BEEN. THREE. BE
SPECIFIC ! I've picked wave 1 whenever something like this
happened. - Sobbing ed)
DUKE : Easy there, Timmer.
MINDBENDER : Blame Hasbro. They confuse even us !
DUKE : Yeah, Storm Shadow is so unsure who he works for right now,
he's even considering joining the October Guard. Well, time for Cobra
to take a backseat !
The "Good ? Good !" award for best good guys figure of the year !
1 - Dart
1 - Flint
2 - Blowtorch
2 - Stalker (Wave 3)
3 - Mirage v2
3 - Scarlett (Wave 2)
3 - Stalker (Wave 2)
5 - Wild Bill (Wave 4)
5 - Beach Head (Wave 3)
6 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
6 - Duke (Wave 4)
10 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3, black)
"Scarlett v4. Girl power! =P I personally think a newly sculpted female
figure with this level of detail, an extra point of articulation and kick-ass
accessories deserves such a title."
- Sidewinder
"Shipwreck (though my partiality to the character clouds my vision a
bit here)"
- Beav
"Stalker. Best head mold up till now. This shouldve been Beachhead,
but he lost it due to high O-shaped legs"
- Marijn (Toystorerecords)
MINDBENDER : Who would have thought.....
DUKE : Everybody. Mr.-Super-Ninja-Gets-Scarlett-Captain-Invincible.
MINDBENDER : Bitter much ?
The "Good ? BAD !" award for WORST good guys figure of the year !
1 - Mirage (Wave 1.5)
1 - Surefire (Wave 1.5)
1 - Scarlett (Wave 2)
1 - Wild Bill (Wave 4)
1 - Beach Head (Wave 3)
1 - Snake Eyes (Wave 1) +v11 ?????
1 - Blowtorch (Wave 3)
1 - Duke v10
2 - Dusty (Wave 2)
2 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
2 - Roadblock (BJ repaint)
2 - Duke (Wave 1.35)
3 - Nunchuck (Wave 2)
4 - Frostbite (Wave 1)
4 - Gung Ho (Wave 1)
5 - Flint (Wave 3)
5 - Duke (Wave 1)
6 - Heavy Duty (Wave 1)
"Duke v10. This is one of the worst figures I've seen in Joedom, and
that says a lot. Crappy color, proportions and bad articulation don't
mix with rehashed, tired accessories."
- Sidewinder
"Gung Ho-Looked too much like Stone Cold Steve Austin in hunting gear."
- Zedhatch
"Roadblock 8. Roadblock in code name only. File name was
doubleblast's as was file info. Picture was Heavy Duty"
- John M
"Destro. I know, not a good guy, but MAN, he deserves every negative
vote possible."
- seaN
"Mirage. Maybe it is because I have a billion of these guys...but he just
looks goofy."
- Brian McCabe
"Isn't it always Duke? Choose whichever version you like, but Duke
still gets my vote for any question involving "worst" and "good guys.""
- Divine shockwave
DUKE : Ahem.
MINDBENDER : Hehehehehe.... Hey, at least you didn't win !
DUKE : No, that honour goes to the only figure released two years
in a row without any changes ! It fits.
The "Bad ? GOOD !" award for best bad guys figure of the year !
1 - Cobra Commander (Wave 1.35)
1 - Cobra Commander v13
1 - Cobra Commander 12 inch figure (Hey, that's a rare vote -ed)
1 - Scarlett (Wave 2)
1 - Scalpel
1 - Shock Viper v1
1 - Tomax/Xamot (Convention set)
1 - Zartan (Wave 3)
1 - Zartan v5
1 - Baroness (Wave 3)
1 - Crimson Baroness (Convention exclusive)
1 - Dr. Mindbender v3 (Wave 3)
1 - Moray (Wave 1)
1 - Firefly (Wave 2)
1 - Cobra CLAWS (Wave 4)
1 - Cobra CLAWS (Wave 1)
2 - BAT v3 (Wave 4)
3 - Neo Viper (Wave 4)
3 - Neo Viper v1 (Wave 1)
3 - Viper (Wave 2,Blue Visor)
4 - Alley Viper (Blue) (Wave 1.5)
5 - Cobra Commander (Wave 3)
6 - Snow serpent v5 (Wave 3)
7 - Ripper v2
"Zartan v5. A lot hate it, but I like the Chameleon swamp skier colors
combined with his more original look. Then they added the Devil's Due
Dreadnok logo, which I don't necessarily love, but brings another level of
detail. Now only if he was remade with a disguise for Spy Troops...."
- Notpicard
MINDBENDER : A dreadnok wins an award !
DUKE : An award other than best/worst dreadnok ! That's a first for
the FLAGGS !
MINDBENDER : Anything can happen, it seems !
The "Bad ? BAD !" award for WORST bad guys figure of the year !
1 - Shock Viper v1
1 - Desert Cobra CLAWS (Wave 2)
1 - Skullbuster
1 - Storm Shadow (Wave 1)
2 - Moray (Wave 1)
2 - BAT v3 (Wave 4)
2 - Neo Viper (Wave 1)
2 - Dr. Mindbender v3 (Wave 3)
4 - Cobra CLAWS (Wave 1)
4 - Firefly (Wave 2)
4 - zartan v4 (Wave 2)
5 - Wild Weasel v2
17 - Destro ( All 3 combined, I've given up differentiating -ed)
"Any from wave 1"
- Prozac (I'm getting the sense you are trying to tell me something -ed)
"Im really sorry I have to say this, but they screwed up pretty badly with
one of my fav figs Destro yuk, yuk and yuk"
- Marijn (Toystorerecords)
"Wild Weasel. Im so wild! I pilot my plane from the open gunnery station! Wild!"
- Scramble
"Keebler elf Zartan. With a chainsaw. Was that this year? I dunno,
but he looked like he should live in a tree. Just don't mess with his
cookies, though, cause he's got that chainsaw."
- Diana M
"Pervert Druid Zartan."
- Hooper_X
DUKE : I think we've just topped "Pimp Daddy Destro" as worst adjective.
MINDBENDER : Meanwhile, Destro, well, all three of them, are NOT looking
good this year.
DUKE : What do you expect from a figure with a face that looks like he's
having a baby.
MINDBENDER : Well, that's enough from the figures, now, the vehicles !
The "Now THAT'S a ride" award for best vehicle of the year !
1 - Assault Quad
1 - Crimson HISS (Convention set)
1 - FANG III
2 - Night Rhino
2 - Mantis Sub
4 - TRU Rattler
4 - HISS IV
33 - Night Attack Chopper (Wildfire)
"Rattler. I haven't gotten one yet but I thought all the other vehicles so far
were crap and you can't go wrong with the Rattler mold."
- Brian McCabe (Wanna bet ? -ed)
"Rattler Glad to see it back but, what's with the no gunner canopy & red??"
- Phaylon (See, Brian ? -ed)
"NAC. I poked my eye out."
- Cabanajack
"Night Attack Chopper that is one awesome helo that looks like it
could thrash a cobra armoured column and still have enough firepower
leftover to level Cobra HQ!"
- Dzirhan
DUKE : Biggest landslide EVER !
MINDBENDER : Over 50 precent of ALL voters prefered the NAC !
DUKE : It's just that good ! But now.....
The "Date with a crushing machine" award for WORST vehicle of the year !
1 - Night Rhino
1 - Mantis Sub
1 - Brawler
3 - Rattler
4 - Sand Razor
4 - Destro's Dominator
5 - FANG III
5 - Rockslide
10 - ATV Assault Quad
11 - HISS IV
"Dominator. It's flimsy as heck, comes with the suckiest figure of all time,
and it just generally sucks. A sturdier plastic and no yellow would save it."
- Sidewinder
"Fang 3-big let down. Blades too small, awkward seat, The only
redeemable quality was the CLAWS pilot."
- Zedhatch
"the Rock Slide: Whoa!! Im going to tip over!!"
- Takedown
"Where should I start?"
- Satan (Jeremy Watts)
"Hiss IV Dang, what's with that??!! "
- Phaylon
MINDBENDER : Not since the Septic Tank has the proud HISS name
been racked through the mud so.....
DUKE : Hey, it was a very close race ! Came down to the last ballot
counted !
MINDBENDER : Well, that's something.
DUKE : Well, so much for the new stuff, but this section is far from over !
MINDBENDER : That's right ! Cause let's not forget the other 19 years
worth of toys !
DUKE : And why not delve in straight away, with a BIG award !
The "Perfection, thy name is...." award for BEST FIGURE EVER !
1 - Fastdraw
1 - Cobra Commander v2
1 - Duke v? 1992
1 - Firefly v1
1 - Flint v1
1 - Night Viper
1 - Gung Ho v2
1 - Xamot v1
1 - Mercer v1
1 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
1 - Firefly v3
1 - Roadblock ( Star Brigade, orange)
1 - Road Pig v1
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Bullhorn
1 - Big Ben v1
1 - Beach Head v1
1 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3)
2 - Alpine
2 - Falcon v1
2 - BAT v1
2 - Zartan v1
2 - Shockwave v2 (Nightforce)
3 - Storm Shadow v1
4 - Hit 'n Run v1
4 - Hawk v2
4 - Cobra Commander v1
4 - Snake-Eyes v2
5 - Crimson Guard v1
"Snake-Eyes v.2--there is a reason that this version remains the definitve
Snake-Eyes and Snake-Eyes the accepted icon for joe."
- Kowalski
"Hit & Run-All camo, cool eyes, and a sweet duffle bag/grappling hook.
What more could you want?"
- Takedown
"Cobra Commander, version One (swivel arm). The epitomy of what Cobra
is, was, and always SHOULD be is in this figure. Faceless, bold
(big snake symbol on chest, bright color) and imposing.
20 years of toys, but I still can't see any other figure being better than this one."
- Sidewinder
"I love them all. Well, no I don't, but I'm not
qualified enough to say."
- Diana M
"Well thats easy! No wait, no it isnt!"
- Scramble
MINDBENDER : Another win for snake-Ey... Hey, waitaminute !
DUKE : Every year, this is the closest race, and for the first time,
Snake-Eyes has lost ! I think I might just have a beer !
MINDBENDER : Not you too.....
The "The definitive Joe" award for best good guys figure ever !
1 - Fastdraw
1 - Stalker v1
1 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3)
1 - Tunnelrat v1
1 - Flint v1
1 - Mercer v1
1 - Duke 12" v1
1 - Tiger Force Sneak Peek (Int. exclusive)
1 - Duke 1992
1 - Duke 2000
1 - Repeater
1 - Storm Shadow v2
1 - Airborne
1 - Dialtone v1
1 - Scarlett v4 (Wave 2)
1 - Roadblock (Star Brigade, orange)
1 - Gung Ho v2
1 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
1 - Mutt v1
1 - Crazylegs v2 (Nightforce)
1 - Joe Colton
1 - Blowtorch v1
2 - Shipwreck v1
2 - Outback v1
2 - Shockwave v2 (Nightforce)
2 - Hawk v2
3 - Falcon v1
3 - Snake-Eyes v3
4 - Alpine
5 - Hit 'n Run v1
6 - Snake-Eyes v2
"Duke v 1 My 12" Duke V1. He's 12 inches. Yeah, ladies,
12 inches of pure real American boyscout poster boy fun."
- Diana M (There are so many things wrong with this.....-ed)
"Storm Shadow V2, I just loved the camo pattern."
- Zedhatch
"Snake Eyes v3. Missing Timber, but still the best Snake Eyes figure around.
He lost the funky goggles that never made sense (shoot me) and went back
to a style more like the original, only cooler. Then he had great
accessories to boot."
- Notpicard
DUKE : One minute he's down, the next he's right back up again !
MINDBENDER : I'd be more concerned about that Duke comment. *shudder*
DUKE : Hey, a man's gotta have his fans !
The "Bad to the Bone" award for BEST bad guys figure ever !
1 - AVAC
1 - Eels v1
1 - Cesspool
1 - Firefly v3
1 - Cobra (trooper, 1983)
1 - Xamot v1
1 - Road Pig v1
1 - Cobra Commander (Battle Corps)
1 - Destro v1
1 - Ripper v2
2 - Storm Shadow v1
2 - Night Viper
2 - Destro v2
2 - Cobra Commander v2 (Hooded)
2 - Viper v1
3 - Scrap Iron
3 - Firefly v1
3 - Cobra Commander v1
4 - BAT v1
5 - Crimson Guard v1
11 - Zartan v1
"Zartan (Followed closely by Alley-Viper V.1 - Yes, I know it
doesn't count.)"
- Tim Frankovich
"Gold Noggin Destro"
- Hooper_X
"Cobra headquarters, they lowered the lights, put on some groovy music, put
Destro on a gimble, aimed a spot at his head, and spun him around. And
that's why they call him "Mr. Atmospere." "
- Diana M
"Cobra Commander, version One. Two words: Battle Helmet. Hasbro,
take note of those two words please..."
- Sidewinder
"Zartan v1. Soooo much play value. I just wish they had made more masks.
And I always suspected that chest plat and leg pads came off for more
disguises they decided not to include. But an awesome toy that is hard to
surpass."
- Notpicard
MINDBENDER : Not bad for a guy that turns into a Smurf in sunlight.
DUKE : How does Cobra Command function anyway with all the envy
and backstabbing ?
MINDBENDER : Whenever we need to assign blame or work out
our frustrations, we take it out on lower ranked personell. It helps if
they dress funny.
Duke looks at Mindbender for a moment.
MINDBENDER : LOWER personell.
DUKE : Speaking of whipping boys.....
The "Waste of Plastic" award for WORST FIGURE EVER !
1 - Sci-Fi v1
1 - Sonic Viper
1 - Sneak Peek v1
1 - Heavy Duty (Wave 1)
1 - Frostbite (Wave 1)
1 - Bulletproof
1 - Effects
1 - Muskrat v3 (Battle Corps)
1 - Duke v1
1 - Ripper v1
1 - Road Pig v2
1 - Windmill
1 - Toxo-Viper v1
1 - Toxo-Zombie
1 - Blast Off
1 - Fastdraw
1 - Serpentor v1
1 - Deep Six v1
1 - Big Boa
2 - Rumbler
2 - Zartan v2
4 - Robo Joe
4 - Raptor
7 - Golobulus
8 - Crystal Ball
"Ripper V1 - Why is his head SOOOO HUGE ???"
- Sentimental Zombie
"Zartan v2. Going ten years without a Zartan was bad enough, but getting
stuck with this mohawked ninja Zartan was a stake through the heart."
- Scramble
"Any wearing a codpiece"
- Cabanajack
"Day-Glo ninja horror"
- Diana M
"Battle Corps Muskrat. Poor old Swamp Fighter got saddled with a
piss-poor mold, blinding colors, and a big-ass helmet-mounted missile
launcher...yikes."
- General Hawk
"Rumbler - Holy Peach Pants batman!"
- Dasaffe (That's Pantsman, son.... -ed)
"Rumbler... good God... peach pants? Why??"
- Divine shockwave ( You people are obsessed -ed)
"Robo-Joe--what did Joe fandom do to deserve this?"
- Kowalski (Complain about pants too much ? -ed)
"Golobulus (Oh, goodie, a figure that just lays there since you can't
stand him up.)"
- Beav (Must....Resist....Joke.....Family......Show...... -ed)
"Manimals. All. Got them on discount at KB not too long ago....not only
are they the worst Joes ever. They are among the worst action figures
I have ever owned."
- Brian McCabe
DUKE : Wow ! Close race this year !
MINDBENDER : Yeah, Crystal Ball is on the virge of being dethroned !
DUKE : But let it be said that our side has its stinkers too. So......
The "Why Hasbro, why ?" award for WORST good guys figure ever !
1 - Bazooka v1
1 - Sci-Fi v1
1 - Bulletproof
1 - Zap v1
1 - Armadillo
1 - Muskrat v3 (Battle Corps)
1 - Effects
1 - Deep Six v1
1 - Hot Seat
1 - Lifeline v1
1 - Heavy Duty (Wave 1)
1 - Frostbite (Wave 1)
1 - Skidmark
1 - Windmill
1 - Dojo
1 - Tracker
1 - Budo v1
1 - Recoil
1 - Taurus
1 - Clutch v2 (Mega Marines)
1 - Gears
1 - Fastdraw
1 - Maverick
1 - Cover Girl
1 - Rapid Fire
1 - Cross Country v1
1 - Storm Shadow v5
1 - Supertrooper
2 - Duke v1
2 - Clean Sweep
2 - Ice Cream Soldier
3 - The Fridge
3 - Sneak Peek
3 - Rumbler
3 - Robo Joe
"Rumbler. Nice pants, loser..."
- Dinine shockwave (And the obsession continues -ed)
"Duke v1 (just realized this year that he's wearing Boy Scout colors,
and I hate the Boy Scouts)"
- John M (It's because of people like you that boy scouts dye their hair -ed)
"Storm Shadow v5. Not for any other reason than he should not have been a
good guy. Storm Shadow's evil dammit!"
- Sidewinder (would you people PLEASE try to remember that Stormy's
EVIL!? Thanks go to the 3 people that will get the joke ! -ed)
"Taurus - He got an enormous head too..."
- Sentimental zombie
"Recoil. I have a deep hatred for this flat-faced piece of useless. I dont know
what drives my truculence towards him, but I think the GI Joe line would have
been much stronger if Recoil had never shown his Battle Force 2000-reject
face."
- Scramble
"Mercer v2 (they gave him a beard and changed his name for crying out loud!)"
- Daniel Alexander (Remind me to introduce you to some '97 figures -ed)
MINDBENDER : Quite a tie we have here ! Judges !
HAWK : Hmmm. I think Sneak Peek and Rumbler are out. After all,
they are regular Joes.
CC : So that leaves a cyborg or a football player.
HAWK : I've got two words for you : Football Stick !
CC : Agreed !
DUKE : The Fridge wins it !
The "This is how bad bad can get" award for WORST bad guys figure ever !
1 - Shock-Viper v1
1 - Sonic Viper
1 - Toxo Viper v1
1 - Toxo-Zombie
1 - Armor-Tech Destro
1 - Heat-Viper v2
1 - Bio Viper
1 - Eels v2
1 - Pimp Daddy Destro
1 - Cobra CLAWS v1 (Wave 1)
1 - Make-Your-Own-Cobra
1 - Ripper v1
1 - Cobra Commander v4 (Red faceplate)
1 - Night Creeper v2
1 - Serpentor
1 - Zartan v2
1 - Road Pig v2
1 - Headman v1
1 - Firefly v2
2 - Big Boa
2 - Cyber Viper
2 - Monstro Viper
3 - Raptor
8 - Crystal Ball
9 - Golobulus (And enough spelling variations to make the entire cast of
Sesamy Street vomit in terror.... Where did they go wrong with you people ? -ed)
"Eels V2, there are worse paint jobs, but on this mold it looks really bad."
- Zedhatch
"Monstro-Viper (I'm more blinded than scared of that thing....)"
- Phillip Donnely
"Headman. Trust me, it's the worst. Real drug dealers have
better taste in clothing."
- Diana M
"Pimp Daddy Destro...It is hands down just the worst Joe figure I've
seen. The worst thing is that I know if I ever had the chance to get one,
I'd pee my pants with excitement."
- Notpicard
MINDBENDER : CRYSTAL BALL LOSES !!!
DUKE : Un-be-lievable ! What an upset !
CRYSTAL BALL (from the audience) : YES !! In your face, plant-spike guy !
DUKE : Well, now we come to the "vroom vroom" departement !
The "I own one that's fullscale !" award for BEST VEHICLE EVER !
1 - Cobra STUN
1 - Dreadnock Thunder Machine
1 - Battle Wagon
1 - HISS II
1 - VAMP Mk I
1 - Dragonfly
1 - Night Rhino
1 - Cobra Rattler (airplane)
2 - Phantom X-19
2 - Night Attack Chopper
2 - Rolling Thunder
2 - Cobra Stinger Jeep
3 - Moray Hydrofoil
4 - Night Raven
5 - Tomahawk
6 - Skystriker
7 - WHALE hovercraft
8 - HISS (original)
"Skystriker. I want one. Now. I'm waiting"
- Diana M
"H.I.S.S. Tank. Simple, tough, classic."
- Sidewinder
"There is something special about the HISS. Its design helped shape the
feel of the Cobra forces for me. It represents the type of hardware Cobra
uses perfectly. And it was used extensively in the comic and cartoon I think
because of this. Its originality benefits the entire GIJoe line."
- Notpicard
DUKE : Score one for the bad guys....
MINDBENDER : Don't be so glum ! I have a feeling your side will get
the next one !
DUKE : Well duh...
The "Sturdy construction" award for best good guys vehicle ever !
1 - Conquest (1998 TRU version)
1 - APC
1 - Warthog
1 - Battle Wagon
1 - Night Rhino
1 - Desert Fox
1 - AWE Striker v1
1 - HAVOC
1 - Wolverine
2 - Mauler MBT
2 - Phantom X-19
2 - MOBAT
2 - Rolling Thunder
2 - Dragonfly
3 - Night Attack Chopper
3 - WHALE hovercraft
4 - VAMP Mk I
7 - Tomahawk
12 - Skystriker
"Warthog (Weird choice, eh?)"
- Beav
"Defiant"
- Notpicard/Marijn (That's a playset -ed)
"Skystriker. Several jets came after it, but none measured up to me.
This is the ultimate heroic vehicle."
- Sidewinder
DUKE : I've flown quite a few of those !
MINDBENDER : Everybody has flown a few of those.
DUKE : Hey, somebody wrote a "Skystrikers for Dummies" book, now
even Junkyard can fly one !
The "Evil on wheels" award for best bad guys vehicle ever !
1 - Claw
1 - Rage
1 - Sea Ray
1 - Dreadnock Thunder Machine
1 - Crimson Attack Tank (CAT)
1 - Pirana
1 - Hurricane VTOL
1 - STUN
1 - HISS II
1 - HISS III
1 - HISS IV
2 - Condor
2 - Stinger Jeep
5 - Moray Hydrofoil
7 - Night Raven
10 - Rattler (airplane)
15 - HISS (original)
"The RattlerRemember when Cobra actually seemed to be a
threatening military force?"
- Kowalski
"Hydro-Foil (big red boat)"
- Jeremy Watts (Thanks for the clarification -ed)
"Rattler, great mold, great scale, great details (too expensive)"
- Dasaffe
MINDBENDER : The classic ! Imitated, what, four times now ?
DUKE : Five, if you count the Septic Tank.
MINDBENDER : Imitated four times already, ladies and gentlemen !
The "Even bigger waist of plastic" award for WORST VEHICLE EVER !
1 - Barracuda
1 - Cobra Stiletto
1 - Destro's Dominator
1 - Cobra Ferret
1 - Fort America
1 - SLAM
1 - Bomb Disposal
1 - Swampfire
1 - Radar Rat
1 - Attack Cruiser
1 - Patriot
1 - FANG III
1 - Cobra Septic Tank
1 - Cobra Sea Ray
1 - Ninja Force Piledriver
1 - Dreadnock Cycle
1 - Road Toad
2 - Cobra Battle Barge
2 - Cobra Pogo
2 - HISS IV
2 - Triple T
6 - Cobra RAT
6 - Cobra Earthquake
6 - Buzz Boar
"Cobra Rat. Way too simple design. Really cheap underside. Other water
vehicles you can have Joes swim up to from underneath. Not the Rat."
- Notpicard
"That four wheeler. The handlebars controlled the guns.
Great. How do they steer, by the power of positive thinking?"
- Diana M (Uhmm. The Ferret ? -ed)
"I forgot its name! It was an ugly, ugly, red Cobra "jet" that seated one
person, and was overall a piece of plastic loosely made into a crappy vehicle.
It could easily be split into halves, top and bottom... if you know which it is,
or can make a fair assumption, please fill in the answer for me. Sorry."
- Divine Shockwave (Uhmm.... The Stiletto ? -ed)
"Earthquake- Thanks goes to Gemini Matrix for showing me this and helping
me make the decision NOT to be a completist. "
- Ann G
"Triple T (What was the POINT? Dinky guns, open cockpit... a
suicide mission for the Sarge?)"
- Tim Frankovich
"Would be from the 90's, lol, pick one"
- Jeremy Watts
"Any of those wind-up packs"
- KennyD
DUKE : Tie Time !
HAWK : All Cobra vehicles.....
CC : Yes, yes.... Let's get on with it.
HAWK : Two words : Neon bulldozer.
CC : I.... have no counterpoint.
MINDBENDER : The Earthquake wins !
DUKE : Ahhh.... The early nineties. What WERE we drinking ?
The "Used to test ammo" award for worst good guys vehicle ever !
1 - Ninja Lightning
1 - Assault Quad
1 - GIJoe Sailboard
1 - Tank Car
1 - Wind-up cycle three-wheeler
1 - Armor Bot
1 - Beast Blaster
1 - Bomb Disposal
1 - LCV
1 - SLAM
1 - Battle Wagon
1 - Assault Quad
1 - Rolling Thunder
1 - Tri Blaster
2 - Patriot
2 - Barracuda
2 - HAVOC
3 - Radar Rat
3 - Eco Striker
3 - Desert Apache
4 - Road Toad
4 - Fort America
5 - Triple T
"Barracuda, that sub is just awful!!!!"
- Jon S
"HAVOC . This is an empty shell of a vehicle, gimmicky, confusing (just
where does the driver sit?) and falls apart the minute you put it together"
- Scramble
MINDBENDER : Seems fitting.
DUKE : How's that ?
MINDBENDER : The triple T ! Slaughter just sits there, with no
protection, waiting for the bullets to hit him ! Good things none
of our troops can shoot straight !
DUKE : Like your side is any better ! What about that gunner seat for
the HISS IV ?
MINDBENDER : That's reserved for troopers Cobra Commander
REALLY doesn't like.
The "Bad don't begin to describe it !" award for worst bad guys vehicle !
1 - Invader
1 - FANG III
1 - Man-O-War
1 - Stiletto
1 - Destro's Dominator
1 - Swampfire
1 - Imp
1 - Jetpack
1 - Sea Ray
1 - HISS IV
2 - FANG II
3 - Battle Barge
3 - Septic Tank
4 - Earthquake
4 - Pogo
6 - Buzz Boar
10 - RAT
"Man O War, that sub is just awful!!!! "
- Jon S (I'm beginning to see a pattern here -ed)
"The pogo. It looks like fun, but I wonder how many Vipers
threw-up test driving it. (if, you know, COBRA were..uhhh..real and all)"
- Diana M
"Rat... the quality of that vehicle would embarrass sweatshop workers"
- Sharpshot
"Cobra Rat (Never owned one, but looks monumentally stupid...)"
- Tim Frankovich
DUKE : I suppose the name doesn't help either.....
MINDBENDER : We drive things called MAGGOTS. Trust me, names
mean nothing to us.
DUKE : And now for something completely obvious....
The "FLAGG" award for best playset ever !
1 - GIJoe HQ (2001 version)
2 - Tactical Battle Platform
2 - Mobile Command Centre
3 - Defiant Complex
5 - GIJoe HQ ( original)
16 - Cobra Terrordrome
22 - USS FLAGG
"Terrordrome . Unlike the GI Joe HQ, this was a fully enclosed base of
operations, armed all around, and still chock full of play value."
- Scramble
"USS FLAGG!!! DUH!"
- Phaylon ( Indeed -ed)
"USS Flaggevery other vehicle/playset in the history of toydom is the
USS Flaggs bitch."
- Kowalski
MINDBENDER : Why do we even bother ?
DUKE : Looks like Timmer's gonna have some thinking to do for next year !
The "I just spend 300$ on this piece of...." for WORST playset ever !
1 - Cobra Rifle Range
1 - Mortar Defense Unit
1 - GIJoe HQ (original)
1 - General
1 - Bivouac
1 - Fort America (Hmmm. -ed)
2 - GIJoe HQ (2001/2002 version)
3 - Mobile Command Centre
5 - Streetfighter HQ
5 - GIJoe HQ (1992 version)
5 - Toxo Lab
8 - Cobra Missile Command Headquarters (Sears exclusive)
"01 HQ (this answer would be the 91 HQ, but Hasbro had to go and make
it AGAIN!)"
- John M
"Rolling Joe/Jawa fortress suckfest. Whatever it was called."
- Diana M (The Mobile Command Centre -ed)
"Cobra Missile Hq thingy - The old cardboard thing, I had this for about an
hour before it tore up and my parents trashed it. "
- Wowboy
"cardboard cutout thing"
- Alex A
"Eco-Warriors Septic Tank "
- Jon S (That's..... not a playset. Mayhaps you mean the Toxo Lab ? -ed)
MINDBENDER : I thought it was cool....
DUKE : Well, maybe next time, they'll build a toy that doesn't break
when you play with it. Or when you touch it... Or when you sneeze
near it.... Or when....
MINDBENDER : I get the point.
DUKE : Back to the figures !
The "what a lick of paint can do!" award for best figure repaint ever !
1 - Tiger Force Hit 'n Run (Int. exclusive)
1 - Tiger Force Dusty
1 - Lampreys v3 (2000)
1 - Dusty (2000)
1 - Roadblock (Star Brigade, orange)
1 - Mission Brazil Wetsuit
1 - Crimson Viper (Convention exclusive)
1 - Viper v7
1 - Tomax and Xamot v2
1 - Python Patrol Copperhead
1 - Python Patrol Cobra Officer
1 - Night Force Tunnelrat
1 - Night Force Falcon
1 - Sub Viper
1 - Snow Serpent v3 (mail-in)
1 - Baroness v2 (1997 TRU)
1 - Missions Brazil Leatherneck
1 - Ace - 1998 TRU
1 - Tiger Force Duke
1 - Cobra Commander (Wave 1.35)
1 - Listen and Fun Tripwire
1 - Tiger Force Tripwire
1 - Alley Viper (Blue version, 2002)
1 - Viper (Wave 2, Blue visor)
2 - Tiger Force Outback (Int. exclusive)
2 - Tiger Force Flint
2 - Python Patrol Viper
2 - Cobra Commander v6
3 - Night Force Crazylegs
4 - Shock-Viper v1
10 - Night Force Shockwave
"None! The originals are where it's at!"
- Tim Frankovich
"The Sci-Fi that became the 2002 Laser Viper"
- KennyD (Nice try -ed)
"Cobra Commander v6. Got rid of the silly talking backpack and made a
black costume for CC all at once."
- Notpicard
"Night Force Shockwave. Damn, this figure was cool. Shockwave himself
worked on his own, until Night Force Shockwave came out
and out-bad asses the original."
- Scramble
DUKE : Beach Head sure is a great guy !
MINDBENDER : Beach Head ?
DUKE : I'll let you in on a little secret. Shockwave is really just
Beach Head wearing a silly hat....
The "What the hell happened to YOU!?" award for worst figure repaint ever !
1 - Skullbuster
1 - Slice v3
1 - TARGAT v2
1 - Mission Brazil Mainframe
1 - Scarlett v3 (1997 TRU)
1 - Heavy Duty (Wave 5) (Hehehe -ed)
1 - Tiger Force Blizzard (Int. exclusive)
1 - Tiger Force Dusty
1 - Tiger Force Tripwire
1 - General Hawk (Mail in)
1 - Beach Head v3
1 - Sonic Viper
1 - Wild Bill (Funskool)
1 - Night Creeper Leader v2
1 - Pimp Daddy Destro
2 - Duke (Wave 1.35)
2 - Cobra Commander - 1997 TRU
2 - Tiger Force Frostbite
2 - Tiger Force Duke
2 - Listen and Fun Tripwire
2 - Tiger Force Lifeline
2 - Python Patrol Crimson Guard
3 - Road Pig v2
4 - Interrogator v2
4 - Rapid Fire (Supertrooper in green neon)
"That Baby-S*it colored Duke from 2002"
- KennyD
"Do mixed parts count? Breaker v2 (1997) Looks like Hawk to me.
That was acceptable in 1982, but they could have had unique heads in 1997."
- Notpicard (Sorry -ed)
"Neon Eco Warrior Flint"
- Rock-Viper (That's a remold -ed)
"Python Patrol Crimson Guarda senseless act of vandalism."
- Kowalski
"V2 Interregator. What the HELL happened here?"
- Hooper_X
"TF Frostbite-Cant see me. Ive got snow cam..Oh wait"
- Takedown
MINDBENDER : We're in tie country again !
HAWK : I find this count a little unfair.
CC : Why's that ?
HAWK : Well, Rapid Fire is perhaps a repaint of a previous figure,
but he IS a brand new character. Interrogator isn't.
CC : any chance to put my side down, huh ? Fine...
DUKE : Interrogator v2 is the winner !
The "What an improvement !" award for best figure remold ever !
1 - Roadblock v4
1 - Cobra Commander -Talking Battle Commander
1 - Cutter v2
1 - Duke 1992
1 - Stalker v2
1 - Ace v2
1 - Airborne (Sky Patrol) (Uhmmm... -ed)
1 - Wild Bill v2
1 - Lifeline v3 (Battle Corps)
1 - Rock 'n Roll v2
1 - Alley Viper v2
1 - Shipwreck v2
1 - Sgt. Slaughter v3
1 - Scarlett v4 (wave 2)
1 - Mercer v2
1 - Dusty v3
1 - Duke v11 (Wave 4)
1 - Deep-Six v2
1 - Beach Head v2
2 - Roadblock (Star Brigade, orange)
2 - Metal Head v2
2 - Snake Eyes v3
2 - Law v3
2 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3)
2 - Shockwave DEF
5 - Hawk v2
8 - Snake-Eyes v2
"I took a Ninja force Snake Eyes and a lit blowtorch, and a few minutes later it
was the BEST remold ever. Ninja stealth blob. Lemme see you ninja mind
set your way outta that one, buddy-boy."
- Diana M
"Sgt. Slaughter v3. This took the silly concept of a wrestler turned GI Joe and
made him a practical and appropriate military figure. And to boot, he came
with a removable hat."
- Scramble
"All right, I'll give in... '85 Snake Eyes."
- General Hawk
DUKE : Guess who's back....
MINDBENDER : Back again....
DUKE : Let's stop before this turns into a music number....
MINDBENDER : Thank you, while I have a shred of pride left.
The "Plastic surgery gone wrong" award for worst figure remold ever !
1 - Heavy Duty (Wave 1)
1 - Armor-Tech Heave Duty
1 - Hawk v3
1 - Stalker -Talking Battle Commander
1 - Muskrat v3 (Battle Corps)
1 - Leatherneck v4 (2001) (Yeah, new head -ed)
1 - Barbeque v3
1 - Outback v3
1 - Muskrat v3
1 - Rock 'n Roll v5
1 - Gung Ho (Wave 1)
1 - Storm Shadow v3 (Ninja Force)
1 - Beachhead v2
1 - Firefly v5 (Wave 2)
1 - Firefly v2
1 - BAT v2
1 - Duke v9
1 - Beach Head v2
1 - Snake-Eyes v4 (Ninja Force)
1 - Cobra Commander v3 (Battle Armor)
2 - Flint (Battle Corps desert version)
2 - Destro (Wave 1)
2 - Grunt v2
2 - Zartan v2 (Ninja Force)
3 - Armor-Tech Duke
3 - Scarlett v2 (Ninja Force)
3 - Night Creeper v2 (Ninja Force)
4 - Eco warrior Flint
"Grunt v.2--a flat-top you could serve a tv dinner on, a "shrunk in the laundry"
shirt, and tight yellow pants. A heartbreaking travesty."
- Kowalski
"Destrothe one weve been getting for years"
- Alex A (???? -ed)
"You know, I never really thought the molds were the problem..."
- Phillip Donnely
"93 Muskrat - Four words: Head-Mounted Rocket Launcher"
- Dasaffe
DUKE : hehehe. He looked great in neon green !
MINDBENDER : Weren't you in a subteam with a Borg ?
DUKE : I..... shut up. Besides, ever see your second figure ? *does a
Mindbender voice* "I am Bendutus of Borg, resistance is futile".
MINDBENDER : OK, OK.
The "Made in Belgium" award for best international exclusive figure ever !
1 - Tiger Force Spyche-Out (Europe)
1 - Cobra Mortal (South-America)
1 - Glenda (Scarlett repaint, South-America)
1 - Cobra De-Aco (South-America)
1 - Glenda (South-America)
1 - Flying Scorpion (South-America)
1 - Spirit (Europe)
1 - Mutt & Junkyard (Europe)
1 - Super Cop (Funskool, India)
1 - Torpedo (Funskool, India, yellow and black)
1 - Major Bludd (China)
1 - Tiger Force Shipwreck (South-America)
1 - Tiger Force Flint (China)
1 - Tiger Force Tunnelrat (Europe)
2 - Red Laser (Red Cobra Commander, Action Force, Europe)
2 - Hunter (Black Uniform Cobra officer, Action Force, Europe)
2 - Quarrel (Scarlett repaint, Action Force, Europe)
2 - Tiger Force Hit 'n Run (Europe)
4 - Cobra Satan (Red Stormshadow, South-America)
9 - Tiger Force Outback (Europe)
"Don't know. Don't care."
- Tim Frankovich
"Super Cop! He's the best cop of all!"
- Hooper_X
"Quarrel (More women! More, I say! Hey, don't look at me like that.)"
- Phillip Donnely
MINDBENDER : Age before beauty, I suppose...
DUKE : Now, I've dyed my hair more than Kelly Osbourne, but even I
have never gone for white...
MINDBENDER : Maybe it's the big tiger face on the chest that does it.
The "Made in Elbonia" award for worst international exclusive figure ever !
1 - Zartan (Funskool, India)
1 - Desert Scorpion (Funskool, India)
1 - Tracker (Funskool, India)
1 - Satan (South America, red Storm Shadow)
1 - Wild Bill (Funskool India)
1 - General Hawk (Funskool India)
1 - Superhero (Funskool India)
1 - Felino (South-America)
1 - Hit 'n Run (Brazil)
1 - Biosfera (Eco Sneak Peek, South-America)
1 - Super Cop (Funskool, India)
1 - Shimik (South-America)
2 - Skydiver (Funskool India)
2 - Cobra De-Aco (South-America)
2 - Lifeline (Funskool, India)
3 - Cobra Mortal (South-America)
3 - Tiger Force Blizzard (Europe)
4 - Cross Country (Funskool, India)
"Exclusive Mexican rip off figures"
- Diana M
"any of the Funskool repaints "
- Marc De Ruiter
"Piss Yellow Blizzard"
- Prozac
"Funskool Cross Country (But "worst" in a good way, to me at least.)"
- Beav
"Mario Cross Country (recent Funskool mold with chrome weapons)"
- Dasaffe
DUKE : Poor Cross Country.
MINDBENDER : Funskool : showing us things can always be worse.
DUKE : Still those Crimson Guard Immortals were a blessing !
The "Flag point FLAGG" award for best mail-in exclusive ever !
1 - The Fridge
1 - Snow Serpent v3
2 - Sgt. Slaughter v1
4 - Supertrooper
4 - Ninja-Viper
5 - Steel Brigade Trooper
5 - Joseph Colton
10 - Starduster
10 - Hooded Cobra Commander
"Steel Brigade. I have gotten more play time out of mine than any other
mail-away figure."
- Sidewinder
"Ok, the mail in Duke. Look, I KNOW there was a version in stores
that was sort of exactly identical, but it was different when you had to
MAIL in to get him. It made him all special. Especially since my mother
refused to let me get him."
- Diana M ( Nice try -ed)
MINDBENDER : Looks like yet another tie !
HAWK : I suppose you don't wanna vote for Starduster ?
CC : You suppose correctly.
HAWK : Like I'm gonna vote for you....
CC : Flip a coin ?
HAWK : OK.
DUKE : Ladies and gentlemen, Starduster is the winner !!
MINDBENDER : Once again we get shafted....
The "Not if you send money with it" award for worst mail-in ever !
1 - Windchill v2
1 - Ninja-Viper
1 - Dee-Jay v2
1 - GIJoe Reservist (2002)
1 - Joe Colton
1 - Steel Brigade
1 - Steel Brigade, version E
1 - General Hawk, yellow space repaint
2 - Sgt. Slaughter v1
4 - Create-Your-Own-Cobra
5 - Interrogator v2
7 - Supertrooper
14 - The Fridge
"Ninja-Viper, if only 'cause I can never find one!"
- Phillip Donnely
"mail-in Interrogator. Man, what a drastic drop in awesome."
- Hooper_X
"Create-a-magenta-cobra"
- Dasaffe
DUKE : The football-stick did him in again !
MINDBENDER : Let's not forget that the figure isn't exactly a true-
to-life likeness.
Duke simply looks at Mindbender's chest.
MINDBENDER : Shut up.
The "Give them their own series" award for best subteam ever !
1 - Crimson Guard ( Uhmmmm.... -ed)
1 - DEF
1 - Star Brigade
1 - Eco Warriors
1 - Headhunters
1 - Slaughter's Renegades
2 - Sky Patrol
3 - Python Patrol
3 - Iron Grenadiers
4 - Tiger Force
15 - Dreadnoks
16 - Nightforce
"Tiger Force. El Fuerza del Tigre. Grrrrr.. Guys can get a lot of chicks
with that name, I'll bet. "Hey baby, I'm member of Tiger Force. Come
back to my room and let me demonstrate." "
- Diana M
"Dreadnoks. Easy. They offer a style different from the rest of the line
while adding great humor to the comic. They are just generally cool"
- Notpicard
"Dreadnoks-The wrecking crew, Nuff Said."
- Zedhatch
"Night Force, the best color schemes for sure."
- Sidewinder
DUKE : Wow ! Close race !
MINDBENDER : Just goes to show, every ballot counts !
DUKE : I wonder if the Dreadnoks will be dissappointed...
Backstage, we see Zartan using all his force to keep a door shut.
ZARTAN : I think *mmpf* they're taking it quite well ! Whoever came
in the Night Rhino might wanna move it though....
DUKE : that's not even a Night Force vehicle !
MINDBENDER : Close enough for them....
The "Paging Mr. SAW-Viper" for worst subteam ever !
1 - Dreadnoks
1 - DEF
1 - Cobra-La
1 - Mission Brazil
1 - Mega Marines
1 - Slaughter's Marauders
2 - Slaughter's Renegades
2 - Sky Patrol
2 - Streetfighter II
2 - Armor-Tech Star Brigade
3 - Star Brigade
3 - Tiger Force
4 - Battle Force 2000
5 - Ninja Force
5 - Python Patrol
14 - Eco Warriors
"Street Fighters. Liked the game. Liked having some figures.
Shouldn't have been Joes."
- Notpicard
"Tiger Force - what practical purpose could they possibly serve?
And they paved the way for all sorts of ridiculousness with Python
Patrol and Slaughter's Marauders"
- Wowboy
"Street Fighter II (Hasbro attempted to jump the bandwagon,
but missed, fell off the wagon, and got run over by the wheels)"
- Phillip Donnely
"Sky Patrol. You take something, make it really shiny, and expect
people NOT to shoot at it. Yeah, right"
- Diana M
"Eco-Warriors (Blast em with your water cannon Ozone!) "
- Takedown
MINDBENDER : Ah yes. Flint pretending to be Captain Planet.
DUKE : Hey, the only blue guy in the line was Zartan.
MINDBENDER : Do not even try to change the subject, Hauser. We've
got neon, we've got water-squirters, we've got bandwagoning !
DUKE : All right all ready.
The "Summer of 69" award for best GIJoe year ever !
1 - 1982
1 - 1988
1 - 1994
1 - 2002
2 - 1983
2 - 1989
3 - 1987
4 - 1990
6 - 1984
7 - 1986
24 - 1985
"1990. Interrogator, Rampart, Bullhorn, and Updraft, and a whole new
direction for GI Joe. Not too many figures produced that year,
a return to focusing on specialty-specific accessories.
GI Joe could stand alone on this year"
- Scramble
"2002,We got some of the greatest figures ever...and they are just going to
get better!"
- KennyD
"1985 -Flint, Shipwreck, Lady Jaye, Mauler, Tactical battle platform, Flagg,
Need I say more?"
- Zedhatch
MINDBENDER : This was a bit before my time.
DUKE : And a bit after mine. And before. And I think I was a mail-in then.
MINDBENDER : Yes, flaunt your multitude of figures, why don't you.
DUKE : Just giving the audience what it wants, Duke-o-plenty !
(From the audience) DIANA M : YEAH !
The "annus horriblis" award for worst GIJoe year ever !
1 - 1986
1 - 1998
1 - 1990
1 - 2000
2 - 1982
2 - 1991
2.5 - 2002
4 - 1997
5 - 1987
7 - 1992
10 - 1994
11 - 1993
"1992 (Hellllllooooo Ninja Force)"
- Beav
"1993. Bad accessories. Too many figures. Most new figures were
just new upper halves with old legs."
- Notpicard
"1993-TOOO many repaints and the vehicles looked like fisher price."
- Zedhatch
"2002 but really only around wave 1"
- Alex A (That's half a vote then..... -ed)
"1994. Star Brigade and Shadow Ninjas, need I say more?"
- Takedown
"1981 those straight arms were just more than I could bare. "
- Daniel Alexander (Uhmm.... Joes started in 82, my friend -ed)
DUKE :*singing* When I was ten, it was a very good year.....
MINDBENDER : Ten ?
DUKE : Yeah, I was ten in 1993, chronologically speaking. So in
2003, I'm twenty ! Just one more year and I can buy beer !
MINDBENDER : You're kidding me .
DUKE : Nope; why do you think we drank so much Joe cola in the day !
The "With working flamethrower" award for best gimmick ever !
1 - Spy Troops
1 - Zartan's mask
1 - Destro's chrome mask
1 - Molded-on gun holsters
1 - Subteams
1 - Combat Pay
1 - Dragonfly rotor rotation
1 - Sound attack vehicles
1 - Repaints
1 - Knives that fit on backpacks
1 - Head-mounted rocket launchers
2 - Color change (generally)
4.5 - Spring-Launching Missiles
10 - Swivel-Arm Battle Grip
16 - Color Changing (Zartan family)
"I LIKED the spring-launched missiles "
- Jon S
"Collect them all"
- Cabanajack
"Spring launched missiles when they were done right."
- Chris J (OK, that's half a vote then -ed)
"Lots of original, non-tree inclusive, small accessories (common in 1990)"
- Rockhammer
"I hate gimmicks"
- Various
"spring loaded missiles..still fun to shoot at my little sister "
- Ann G
"Strong characters with appropriate accessories "
- Scramble
"Everything about Zartan - color change, face mask, Chameleon"
- Tim Frankovich (First one counts -ed)
"Zartans manly color changing chest and mask. "Hey,
is that Zartan?" "No, the clothes are his, but that's some guy with
a beard and a different colored chest." "Oh, OK." "
- Diana M
MINDBENDER : He didn't do so bad for a guy who's action feature is
turning into a smurf....
DUKE : He also shoots genetic superbeings in the head with an arrow !
MINDBENDER : Don't remind me.... Months I worked on Serpentor, and
then, in a few seconds, blam.
DUKE : Maybe you should have given him an helmet instead of that cowl.
The "now fully edible" award for WORST gimmick ever !
1 - Detonator foam launchers
1 - Zartan color changing
1 - Tomax/Xamot psychic connection
1 - Camo paint inserts
1 - Sound backpacks
1 - Ninjas
2 - Eco Warriors
2 - Neon colored weapons
2 - Helmet-mounted missile launchers
3 - Color changing
4 - Ninja moves (Ninja Force)
4 - Water guns
7 - Play-doh armor (Mega Marines)
10 - Spring-firing weapons/missile launchers
10 - Sound attack weapons (2002)
" "Kids like neon" "
- Cabanajack
"sound attack...only because it is useless if you don't have the vehicles "
- Ann G
"There's something absurdly wonderful and horrible about having the power
to decapitate yourself when you try to shoot the enemy"
- Divine Shockwave (on helmet-mounted missile launchers)
"Sound Attack. What a horrible gimmick. They finally rerelease and also
come up with some completely new really cool guns and proceed to ruin them.
Add in the countless times I've cut myself trying to cut the damned things off
and you have the worst by far. "Let's him em with giant ugly tabs on the sides
of our guns!" "
- Brian McCabe
DUKE : TIE !
MINDBENDER : FIGHTER !
DUKE : Stop that !
CC : Well, tried and true favorite missile launchers versus new kid on the
block sound attack.
HAWK : This is hard. Both can hurt you : Trying to cut off the pegs or
shooting yourself in the eye.
CC : Yesss, but the launchers are easier to dismiss, most of them look
crappy anyway. But some of these sound attack guns are real beauties !
HAWK : So you're almost obligated to take a knife or somesuch to
them, much more infuriating !!
DUKE : There you have it folks, Sound Attack wins it !!
The "Figure worth 5c without it!" award for best accesory ever !
1 - NAC mini-gun
1 - HEAT-Viper v1 bazooka
1 - Zandar rifle
1 - Freedom
1 - Duke v4 M4
1 - Storm Shadow v2 claw
1 - Grunt M16
1 - Airborne M16 with bajonet
1 - Snow Job v1 rifle
1 - Hawk v2 pistol
1 - Cobra Commander v1/2 laser pistol
1 - Hit 'n Run v1 duffel bag/knife/grappling hook combo
1 - Chuckles holster
1 - Ripper v2 machine/shotgun
1 - Headhunter pack/shotgun combo
1 - Hardball thump gun
1 - The Fridge Football stick
1 - Big Boa punching bag
1 - Steel Brigade M16/M203
1 - Ambush tent
1 - Low Light sniper rifle
1 - Viper v1 rifle
1 - Big Ben grenade pouch
1 - Firefly v1 phone
1 - Zartan mask/backpack combo
2 - Frostbite M16 with scope
2 - Storm Shadow v1 pack/weapons combo
2 - Bullhorn gasmask
2 - Scrap Iron rocket launcher
2 - Red Star AK47
10 - Bullhorn 3-piece rifle+case
"Right now, I'm loving V2 Ripper's BADASS machine gun/shotgun"
- Hooper_X
"Bullhorn's 3-piece gun. If that thing had come with Crystal Ball instead,
there would be a lot less I-hate-Crystal-Ball threads. Not that it would
have been appropriate, but still...."
- Notpicard
DUKE : Can you imagine Crystal Ball with that thing ?
MINDBENDER : You'd be finding a lot of carded CB's with the
accesories cut out of the bubble, I can tell you !
The "Pikachu Purse" award for worst accesory ever !
1 - Sonic backpacks
1 - Headhunter spring-firing-light-up-missile-launcher
1 - Firefly v2 spinning bomb
1 - Zap v1 Bazooka
1 - Armor-Tech Hawk rifle (pink)
1 - Carcass "Mercer" gun
1 - Neon missile launchers
1 - Lightfoot green hand grip
1 - Red M16 (Ozone)
1 - Play-doh
1 - Heavy Metal mic
1 - Skymate boomerang
1 - Trasher stick
1 - Flint v1 backpack
1 - Cobra Commander (2002) Sound Attack Staff
1 - Grid Iron football grenades
1 - Green machete (unknown)
1 - Nemesis Enforcer wings
2 - Raptor wings backpack
3 - Head-mounted missile launcher
3 - Fridge football stick
10 - Crystal Ball hypno shield
"Any of the catapults"
- sharpshot
"Generic tree, giant unreallistic guns so common in the later years
(for example the tree included with Payload v4)"
- Rockhammer
"Same lame weapons being remade in soft plastic for the new Joes."
- Anonymous
"Muskrat's head mounted missile launcher. One word: Concussion"
- General Hawk
"Serpentor's sled. I mean, didn't he know all sorts of things could get
chucked into that fan, including his long, flowing CAPE. And what good is a
sled that leaves you wide open and ready to shoot at? And it was GOLD."
- Diana M (That's a vehicle.... -ed)
"Heavy Metal's mic. It turns collectors into crazy people! "
- Jon S
"Those on trees"
- Marijn (toystorerecords)
"Battle Corps Fireflys spinning top of doom "
- Takedown
"Lunartix Carcass's "Mercer" gun. Not only does it come from the era of
overused accessory trees, but it is also *impossible* to use with Carcass.
His hands are fists-with-holes, no opening. The gun has hand guards, with
no opening. The result is No Openings to attach his hand to his own stupid
green gun! I get angry just thinking about it."
- Notpicard
"Crystal Ball's shield...I have yet to see a real hypnotist walk around with
one of these..so I guess he doesn't need it. "
- Ann G
MINDBENDER : So maybe you see a lot of CB cards with the shield
still in it ?
DUKE : Somehow, I doubt it...
The "Shakespeare" award for best filecard ever !
1 - Snake-Eyes v2
1 - Mercer v1
1 - Lowlight v1
1 - Leatherneck v1
1 - Quick Kick
1 - Beach Head v1
1 - Psyche-Out (1991 version)
1 - Crystal Ball
1 - Skidmark
1 - Cesspool
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Buzzer v1
1 - Zartan v1 (Schizo variant)
1 - Airtight
2 - Duke v1
2 - Crimson Guard v1
2 - Hit 'n Run v1
2 - Cobra Commander v1
2 - Shipwreck v1
2 - Flint v1
2 - Firefly v1
3 - Zartan v1
"Duke, because I SAY SO."
- Diana M
"Crystal Ball! He's so creepy!"
- Hooper_X
DUKE : Now, only one person specified that it was the schizo variant,
so we still don't know !
MINDBENDER : One thing's for sure though, Zartan is raking 'em in tonight !
DUKE : I suppose... But speaking of raking in awards...
The "Jake Speer" award for WORST filecard ever !
1 - Dr. Mindbender v2
1 - Nitro Viper
1 - Dodger v1
1 - Roadblock (BJ exclusive, 2002)
1 - Cobra Trooper (1998)
1 - Gung Ho (Wave 1, 2002)
1 - Flint (Wave 3, 2002)
1 - Raptor
1 - T'gin-Zu
1 - Road Pig v2
1 - Slice v1
1 - Duke v2
1 - Ice Cream soldier
1 - Space Shot
1 - Big Brawler
1 - Mercer v2
2 - Bazooka v1
2 - Sure Fire
5 - Crystal Ball
"02 Wave 1... um... so many to choose... I'll say Gung Ho"
- Dasaffe
"Normally I vote Crystal Ball but the 2000 Surefire beats that, how on
earth does one shoot a hole in jelly donut without the donut going
splat?"
- Dzirhan
"Cobra Trooper 1998, they're not THAT dumb. "
- Jon S
"Roadblock 2002, BJ's Exclusive. The art is Heavy Duty, the text Double
Blast. I know it was supposed to be a placeholder that somehow hit
production, but definitely the worst one yet."
- Notpicard
"JvC Flint vs Baroness (I hate you because you are a smart woman)"
- Rock-Viper
And from the "undecided, but not on the era" pile :
"the 1997 line of cards all sucked "
- Deadshot
"anything from 2000 really"
- Alex A
"Any of the new ones. Blah, blah, blah! Wheres the substance?"
- Anonymous
"Anything from 2002 up until now...take your pick"
- General Hawk
MINDBENDER : Crystal Ball once again !
DUKE : Yeah, but let me tell you, if the 2003 European cards counted,
and enough people had SEEN these things, they'd win with a landslide !
MINDBENDER : What do you care about European filecards ?
DUKE : I dunno, writer's bias must be creeping in....
The "Hang it in the Louvre !" award for best card art ever !
1 - Roadblock v1
1 - Outback v1
1 - Tomax/Xamot
1 - Firefly v1
1 - Road Pig v1
1 - Baroness v1
1 - Grunt v1
1 - Hawk v2
1 - Beach Head v1
1 - Flash
1 - Mutt v1
1 - Stalker v1
1 - Cross Country (Funskool)
1 - Shockwave v1
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Zartan (Funskool)
1 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3)
1 - Snake-Eyes v2
2 - Hit 'n Run v1
2 - Viper v1
2 - Crimson Guard v1
3 - Storm Shadow v1
4 - Duke v1
"Roadblock v.1 (That face, that build, that GUN - this just
screamed "Don't mess with me!")"
- Tim Frankovich
"any of the joe vs cobra "
- Bryan Segal
"82 Grunt - classic - it just screams GI JOE without having to say it "
- Wowboy
"1982/1983 releases"
- Rock-Viper
"Zartan. I like the giant scary face behind him. BOO, EVERYBODY!"
- Hooper_X (Funskool, I assume -ed)
"Duke. There he is, standing all manly like. (look, I gotta counteract the
nega-Duke votes, right?)"
- Diana M
DUKE : YES !!!!!
MINDBENDER : Oh brother....
DUKE : Look at me ! All manly ! All proud ! All American !
MINDBENDER : All blowhard.... Thank goodness this is almost over.
DUKE : Yeah ! Just two more awards to go !
MINDBENDER : Two ?
DUKE : Yeah, more on that later....
The "Hang it on your wall" award for best vehicle box art ever !
1 - HISS
1 - Cobra Ferret
1 - Mobile Command Centre
1 - Brawler
1 - Rattler (TRU 2002)
1 - Defiant
1 - Snow Cat
1 - Zartan with Swampskier
1 - Rolling Thunder
1 - AWE Striker
1 - MBT Mauler
1 - Tomahawk
1 - Rattler (airplane)
2 - Night Raven
2 - Tactical Battle Platform
3 - WHALE
3 - USS Flagg
3 - Moray Hydrofoil
3 - Skystriker
4 - Terrordrome
"Cobra Moray Hydrofoil. Possibly the most sinister collection of Cobras
all on one vehicle."
- General Hawk
"Skystriker. Which I ONCE AGAIN didn't get for Christmas"
- Diana M
MINDBENDER : A fine choice !
DUKE : Well, I guess it's....big.
MINDBENDER : Could you maybe act a little less excited ? Anyway,
apparantly, we have one more award to give out !
DUKE : That's right ! Due to an oversight, one award was missing from
the online ballot. As such, only those on the mailing lists got this award. As
such, let's just say it's a mailing list exclusive !
The "Attaboy" award for best animal accesory ever !
1 - Max
1 - Order (2000 version)
1 - Freedom
1 - Alligator (Croc Master)
1 - Snake (Serpentor)
2 - Order
3 - Timber
4 - Polly
8 - Junkyard
DUKE : And congrats to Junkyard !
MINDBENDER : Even though, if he were real, he'd be six feet under by now !
DUKE : MINDBENDER !
MINDBENDER : Sorry.
DUKE : That's it from me, the manly guy, and from him, the Dr. X reject !
MINDBENDER : Bye !
Duke and Dr. Mindbender leave to the tune of the new toy commercial. Hawk
and Cobra Commander come back.
HAWK : Well, that was one hell of a category !
CC : So now, we're gonna have a shorter one !
HAWK : In fact, it's the shortest section of the entire FLAGGS ! The section
about the merchandising !
CC : So keeping that in mind, here are your surprise hosts, RAPTOR
and CRYSTAL BALL !!!
Raptor and Crystal Ball's eyes grow wide. They were sitting in the audience
and had apparantly no idea this was coming. Smiling, almost with tears
in their eyes, they make their way to the stage.
RAPTOR : I... I don't believe this.....
CB : This....This is incredible... I want to thank my agent, my parents and...
CC : JUST DO THE SHOW !
RAPTOR AND CB : Yes sir.
RAPTOR : Well, let's hand out the first award !
The "Spaceballs -The Flamethrower" award for best merchandise ever !
1 - Comic
1 - Grunt Halloween costume
1 - Soap
1 - CC poster (Devil's Due)
1 - Firefly kit (costume)
1 - Calender
1 - Bed sheets
1 - Sleeping bag
1 - GIJoe wolf big wheel
1 - Commodore64 video game
1 - Commando Attack Game
1 - Cobra patch
1 - FHE videos
1 - Joe tighty whities
1 - Band aids
1 - Snake-Eyes spy kit
1 - Party supplies
1 - Stickers
1 - Battle planner (2002)
1 - Lunchbox
1 - Cobra T-shirts
2 - Underoos
2 - Action Stars cereal
2 - GIJoe for NES
4 - Action figures/toys
4 - T-shirts (general)
"G.I.Joe soap, because it represents the amazing power of merchandising "
- Jon S
"sleeping bag. everyone loves a sleeping bag."
- SeaN
"Did they make joe bedroom slippers?"
- Hooper_X (Beats me -ed)
RAPTOR : Now, it may seem we have a tie here, but nothing could be
further from the truth !
CB : Indeed ! We don't consider the toys merchandise, since it's the
toys that all merchandise is derived from. The comic and toon are
a grey area, because they have their own section in the FLAGGS.
RAPTOR : Hey, that's the most lines you've ever had. In any medium !
CB (starts blubbering) : I..... know.... I'm just....so....happy !!
RAPTOR : Me too, buddy, me too !
Raptor and Crystal Ball hug.
The "Singing fish" award for WORST merchandise ever made !
1 - Color forms
1 - Funrise vehicles
1 - Sgt. Slaughter halloween costume
1 - Soap
1 - Snake-Eyes/Stormy T-shirt
1 - Party hats
1 - T-Shirts
1 - Yo-yo
1 - Toothpaste
1 - Shampoo
1 - Combat Pay
1 - Joe Tighty Whities
2 - Underoos
3 - Toilet paper
3 - Cereal
5 - Kleenex
"G.I.Joe soap, because it represents the amazing power of merchandising "
- Jon S
"These underoos are too small !!"
- Cabanajack
"Joe underroos. Never trust a sailor to cover your bottom"
- Hooper_X
"Come to think of it.... Battle Pay...it was good for nothing... Cool I
got $10... all I need is $3,000 more to get a frisbee???"
- Sharpshot
"Toilet Paper. Why would I want to wipe my @$$ with pictures of something
I like so much?"
- Rockhammer
"that terrible new Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow shirt. no really."
- SeaN
"G.I.Joe condoms, they just broke everytime! Errr, actually, hehe,"
- Joe Harris
"Anything with the words EXTREME on it."
- Anonymous
CB : But kleenex has a million uses !
RAPTOR : Let's not go there...
CB : But now, I'm afraid we come to the last award we get to hand out !
RAPTOR : Al...Already ?
CB : I'm afraid so...
The "The flamethrower again" award for merchandise you'd most want to see !
1 - 1/1 scale HISS tanks
1 - Real-life vehicles
1 - Cobra car window stickers
1 - Bed sheets
1 - Cobra Commander paper weight
1 - Trading cards
1 - New movie
1 - Cobra mountain base (that's a toy, but still.... -ed)
1 - Hasbro GIJoe VAMP edition of the Lamborghini Cheetah
1 - Lunchboxes
1 - Snake-Eyes knives collection
1 - Cobra-La toilet paper
1 - Cobra army clothing line
1 - Cereal
1 - Lady Jaye blow-up doll
2 - Condom
3 - DVDs
4 - Underoos/underwear (adult)
11 - Computer/Console game
"G.I.Joe toothpaste, why stop at soap? "
- Jon S (They made that -ed)
"Joe undies for the ladies. Camo, with the 80s logo."
- Diana M
"Cobra-La toilet paper. Show how much you care, wipe it here!"
- Macdowin
"Cereal . If not, I'll just have to buy some on eBay.
I'll get the box at least and if there is any cereal in it, Scott
"IfYouTalkToMary" has promised me he'd eat some."
- Notpicard
"Inflatable Baroness Love Doll. (just kidding. Jesus.)"
- Hooper_X
"Life size Lady Jayejust kidding, trading cards would be cool"
- Alex A
"More apparel "
- Phaylon (??? -ed)
RAPTOR : That winner was kinda expected.
CB : I agree. Unfortunetaly, that's all from us this year !
RAPTOR : I can't tell you enough how much we appreciate our time here !
CB AND RAPTOR : Bye !
Crystal Ball and Raptor get back to their seats, and Hawk and Cobra
Commander come on.
HAWK : Shine on, you crazy diamonds !
CC : Yesss. *shudders* We'll be right back....
HAWK : *Sigh*
On the Mambavision screen.....
MAJOR BLUDD : Hello there ! Please take a moment to look at
this completely unbiased research, aided by Britney Spears !
We switch to Dreadnok Buzzer, who's obviously wearing a wig.
BUZZER : I don't wanna do....
We see a crossbow just come into view.
ZARTAN (Offscreen) : Just do it.
BUZZER : Okay, okay.
BUZZER SPEARS : Hi there ! We asked this unsuspecting teen here...
(Shot of Billy)
to partake in our taste test ! Billy, before you, you see two cans. Can
"A" and can "B". Taste these and please tell us what you think !
BILLY (sips from can "A") : Hmmmm... This is actualy quite...
We hear the sound of a gun being cocked.
BILLY : Repulsive ! Repulsive ! Ech....
Billy sips (reluctantly) from can "B".
BILLY : Now this is much more like it ! The flavor, the sugar ! The almost
untracable mind-control drugs ! Yummy !
BUZZER SPEARS : There you have it ! Can "B" was filled with delicious
Cobra Cola ! Order it now at cobracola4U.com ! And just for completeness
sake, can "A" had that yojoe cola stuff in it.
And the screen goes blank...
HAWK : I think I'm going to gouge my eyeballs out now...
CC : There's plenty of time for that later. Right now, we need to keep
things moving !
HAWK : Oh, allright. The next category deals with the characters that have
made GIJoe so popular for twenty years running !
CC : It also has the most infamous award in the FLAGGS in it !
HAWK : And here to present the awards are Scarlett and Firefly !
Scarlett and Firefly make their way down the stairs, to the tune of
"the odd couple".
SCARLETT : Cute, real cute.
FIREFLY : Hi there ! Finally, they gave me a job as a host !
SCARLETT : You threatened to blow up the place, didn't you ?
FIREFLY : Maybe. But hey, I'm not into sabotage all the time, I'm also
a part-time ninja ! Just like you !
SCARLETT : The least said about that, the better.
FIREFLY : Agreed. So let's get things rolling !
The "Just perfect !" award for favorite character ever !!!
1 - Bazooka
1 - Barbeque
1 - Deep Six
1 - Mercer
1 - Clutch
1 - Falcon
1 - Jady Jaye
1 - Mutt
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Hawk
2 - Zartan
3 - Shipwreck
3 - Beach Head
3 - Duke
3 - Stalker
4 - Firefly
4 - Destro
4 - Flint
5 - Cobra Commander
8 - Snake-Eyes
"Destro- Evil, yet honorable in all media."
- General Hawk
"I bet no one knows this, but I kind of think Duke is pretty OK"
- Diana M
"Cobra Commander. Evil hath a face, and it is a silver mask..."
- Sidewinder
SCARLETT : Yippee ! My boyfriend is sooo great !
FIREFLY : your behaviour demeans us both. Besides, aren't you with Duke ?
SCARLETT : It depends on who you ask...
The "Wheelie, yet again" award for WORST character ever !!
1 - Ice Cream Soldier
1 - Heavy Duty
1 - Sidetrack
1 - Steam Roller
1 - Zanzibar
1 - Metal Head
1 - Ninja Firefly
1 - Zarana
1 - Road Pig
1 - Gristle
1 - Wild Bill
1 - Bazooka
1 - Raptor
1 - Billy
2 - Big Lob
2 - Snake-Eyes
2 - Dr. Mindbender
2 - Cross Country
3 - Sgt. Slaughter
3 - Flint
3 - Serpentor
3 - Golobulus
4 - Duke
7 - Crystal Ball
"Sgt. Slaughter. He pisses me the Hell off."
- Diana M
"Zarana. In the comic, she was eventually given far too much clout,
and the toon she was just plain irritating."
- General Hawk
"Heavy Duty. Does he have any characterization outside of "The Guy
Who Isn't Roadblock"?"
- Hooper_X
"Duke. If I could eat anybody's firstborn, it would be his.
The list afterwards gets long and confused."
- Dinive Shockwave
FIREFLY : No real surprises there.
SCARLETT : Maybe if they remade Crystal Ball, with a new look,
a new filecard etcetera ?
FIREFLY : Even if his accesory was the Terrordrome, he'd be warming
the pegs.
The "Now that's a role model" award for best good guys character ever !
1 - Bazooka
1 - Barbeque
1 - Backstop
1 - Roadblock
1 - Sneak Peek
1 - Mutt
1 - Clutch
1 - Lady Jaye
1 - Cutter
1 - Mercer
1 - Flash
1 - Rock 'n Roll
2 - Hawk
2 - Stalker
3 - Falcon
3 - Shipwreck
3 - Shockwave
3 - Duke
5 - Beach Head
6 - Flint
9 - Snake-Eyes
"Backstop. Stick it in their faces that youre the toughest Canadian ever,
Back-Stop!"
- Scramble
FIREFLY : *Yawn*
SCARLETT : HEY !
FIREFLY : Well, maybe next year we could have "The FLAGGS - NOT
featuring Snake-Eyes". Sound catchy, don't it ?
SCARLETT : Oh come on, anyway, you guys get to shine now !
The "Badass personified" award for best bad guys character ever !
1 - HEAT Viper
1 - BAT
1 - Xamot
1 - Zandar
1 - Buzzer
2 - Scrap Iron
4 - Storm Shadow
7 - Cobra Commander
8 - Zartan
9 - Firefly
11 - Destro
"Buzzer. He's an evil sociology student! I want to be JUST LIKE HIM
when I grow up!"
- Hooper_X
"Destro... hes got styyyyyyle! (and the Baroness)
- Marijn (Toystorerecords)
SCARLETT : Hey, you're runner up ! You even beat 'ol Snakebreath himself !
FIREFLY : That's gonna cost me my next paycheck....
Viper 475 (From the audience) : PAYCHECK !?
FIREFLY : Ermmm.... I mean it means my share will be smaller when
Cobra rules the world. Yes. hehehe. Moving on....
The "Defect already !" award for worst good guys character ever !
1 - Robo-Joe
1 - Colonel Courage
1 - Lifeline
1 - Cutter
1 - Avalanche
1 - Long Arm
1 - Bazooka
1 - Updraft
1 - Lady Jaye
1 - Blast Off
1 - Steam Roller
1 - Skidmark
1 - Deejay
1 - Sneak Peek
1 - Deep Six
1 - Chuckles
1 - Dialtone
1 - Big Lob
2 - Tripwire
2 - Snake-Eyes
2 - Ice Cream Soldier
2 - Ozone
2 - Cross Country
3 - Flint
5 - Sgt. Slaughter
7 - Duke
"Sgt. Slaughter. What a lame a$$. He can take on an army of BATs
and use his thumbnail as a screwdriver, yet he cant entertain me"
- anonymous
"Duke, though I appreciate what Devil's Due has done for the character"
- Notpicard
"Snake eyes could they have used this guy any more???"
- Bill Leach
"Dukesuckup pretty boy"
- Alex A
SCARLETT : Uh-oh...
FIREFLY : Diana is gonna go medieval on Timmer for this one....
The "In the open cockpit !" award for worst bad guys character ever !
1 - Night Creeper Leader
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Cobra Commander
1 - Storm Shadow
1 - Fred VII
1 - Gristle
1 - Ninja Firefly
1 - Sub Viper
1 - Alexander Destro
1 - Metal Head
1 - Headman
2 - Major Bludd
2 - Road Pig
2 - Tomax/Xamot
3 - Raptor
3 - Dr. Mindbender
3 - Golobulus
6 - Serpentor
8 - Crystal Ball
"Sersnakesalot..I mean Serpentor."
- Diana M
"Dr. Mindbenderin many ways responsible for GI Joes descent into sci-
fi/fantasy action figure buffoonery. "
- Kowalski
"- Cobra Commander... he could have been such a great villain, but the
cartoons simply ruined his character. Such is life for a cartoon villain
in the 1980s, I suppose."
- Divine Shockwave
"I'll go with the easy choice...Crystal Ball. While he could have been
something, he wasn't."
- Troy X
FIREFLY : Once again, Hypno-Boy !
SCARLETT : Quiet ! You'll give Timmer ideas for Pantsman. Or worse,
Marvel could get their ideas here...
FIREFLY : Now, it's time to get friendly ! Cause we're gonna start delving
deep into the characters now !
The "Central Perk" award for character you'd most want to be friends with !
1 - Tripwire
1 - Max the bobcat
1 - Mercer
1 - Clutch
1 - Ace
1 - Blind Master
1 - Cross Country
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Quick Kick
1 - Destro
2 - Duke
2 - Storm Shadow
2 - Bazooka
2 - Mainframe
2 - Hawk
2 - Firefly
2 - Airtight
4 - Snake-Eyes
5 - Roadblock
6 - Shipwreck
"I think hanging out with Lady Jaye, Scarlett, Cover
Girl, and Jinx would be a ball. Do I have to pick one?"
- Diana M (Yep -ed)
"Blind Master. Easy going and friendly."
- Anonymous
"Duke He gets all the chicks"
- Bill Leach
"Snake-Eyes, I sure wouldn't want him to be my enemy!"
- Phillip Donnely
"Cross Country (theme to Dukes of Hazzard running through head)"
- John Missal
"Firefly. Then I could train to be a cold-blooded assassin, too, just like
I've wanted to be since I was four!"
- Divine Shockwave
"The Dreadnoks, 'cause I'd hate to be their enemy"
- Hooper_X
"Well considering that to be friends with one of them I'd have to live in a
world where people are constantly trying to put wacky mind controlling
headbands on me, turn my money to dust, or turn me a into giant whale
I can safely say none."
- Brian McCabe
FIREFLY : Good point actually.
SCARLETT : Yeah, sucks to be us....
FIREFLY : OK, so now.....we come to THAT portion of the FLAGGS.
SCARLETT : It's been said before and I'll say it again, this is probably
the only reason Timmer writes these things....
The "Oh THAT..." award for character you'd most like to be lovers with !
1 - Crystal Ball
1 - Monstro Viper
1 - Outback
1 - Zanya
1 - Cobra BAT v3
1 - Jinx
1 - Duke
2 - Flint
2 - Scarlett
2 - Lady Jaye
5 - Zarana
7 - Covergirl
9 - Baroness
"*blush* Look, they aren't REAL. No matter how hard we wish. But if they
were, well, I like blond men who can talk, aren't a general and..oh, God,
most people can guess."
- Diana M (I'm gonna go out on a lim here and put you down for Duke -ed)
"........Lady, um, Jaye, uh......"
- RHE85BOY
"That new Agent Scarlett! Hoo Ha---errr...I mean, no comment. :/"
- General Hawk
"Baroness I'd add something but I dont think this is a rated XXX show :)"
- Bill Leach
"Cover Girl. Umm, who is the bigger pervert? Timmer for asking or me
for answering?"
- Macdowin
"Outback. A man with a beard is soooooo rugged! (Although a
three-way with the Crimson Twins would be mucho caliente!)"
- Anonymous
"Jinx if shes anything like Brock Hors rendition"
- Dzirhan
"Quick-kick's sister (she's got great shoulders!)"
- Sharpshot
"Flint for long-term, Shipwreck for short-term (or
Roadblock just once if Ive had a bit much to drink ;-) ) "
- Lady K
"Zarana(toughest question on the survey:P)"
- Troy X
"????? (So hard to choose......) "
- Nils Meyer
" I guess Zarana .....(what kind of question is this???)"
- Deadshot
"... this is a ridiculous (Zanya) question."
- Hooper_X
"Baroness. I bet she's pretty rough & that skin-tight outfit WOW!!! LOL :) "
- Phaylon
And from the now-way no-how pile :
"Monstro viper, hey ask a stupid question get a stupid answere J.K. "
- Bryan Segal
"Plead the 5th ;-)"
- Beav
"ok thats taking it a little to far isnt it? "
- Daniel Alexander
"This is a sad day for the Flaggs. Just to mess with the lot a you pervs,
Crystal Ball"
- Scramble
"That's a creepy question "
- Jon S
"HUH ? "
- Lurker
"I'm not THAT pathetic "
- Marc De Ruiter
"what a lame question. Isn't this kind of crappy question embarrasing
and simply retarded?"
- Batdan (Most people don't seem to think so : ) -ed)
FIREFLY : Hey, only two out of over sixty people would sleep with you !
SCARLETT : Very funny. Moving hastely along.....
The "What, him AGAIN !?" award for most overused character !
1 - Storm Shadow
1 - Lady Jaye
1 - Flint
1 - Serpentor
1 - Frostbite
1 - Cobra Commander
1 - Sgt. Slaughter
2 - Shipwreck
9 - Duke
32 - Snake-Eyes
"Snake Eyes. Statues, comics, special figures, soap operas.
Heck, there's even a Snake Eyes deodorant coming out. For
when you wish odor to be stealthy."
- Diana M
"Snake Eyes. Yes, hes coolwe knowlets move on"
- Anonymous
"Snake Eyes. Oh, like there was any doubt"
- Scramble
FIREFLY : They sould rename this the "Just dessert" award.
SCARLETT : What other mute has fared better ?
FIREFLY : Wolverine, Rogue...
SCARLETT : Those are mutants.
The "Who are you again ?" award for most underused character !
1 - Shockwave
1 - BATS
1 - Toxo-Zombie
1 - Zandar
1 - Storm Shadow
1 - Updraft
1 - Big Lob
1 - Crazylegs
1 - Sideswipe
1 - Topside
1 - Sneak Peek
1 - Footloose
1 - Airtight
1 - Alpine
1 - Mutt
1 - Ambush
1 - Chuckles
1 - Lowlight
1 - Outback
1 - Doc
2 - Raptor
2 - Shipwreck
3 - Covergirl
3 - Mercer
4 - Firefly
5 - Hit 'n Run
8 - Scrap Iron
"Big Lobs so misunderstood"
- Takedown
"Raptor. Come on, a bird guy is better then an announcer b-ball player."
- Macdowin
"Updraft. I only even heard of him in the past two years.
But now I want one, badly."
- Scramble
SCARLETT : For such an underused character he sure has an
impressive bodycount.
FIREFLY : Sure, you kill one car full of named characters, and
you make it big.... But we don't try that anymore.
SCARLETT : Why not ?
FIREFLY : We all know what happened to the SAW Viper....
The "Joany loves Chachi" award for best couple !
1 - Ripcord/Candy
1 - Baroness/Fred VII
1 - Serpentor/Pythona
1 - Bazooka/Alpine
2 - Duke/Scarlett
2 - Mainframe/Zarana
3 - Tomax/Xamot
3 - Snake-Eyes/Scarlett
11 - Destro/Baroness
18 - Flint/Lady Jaye
"Hit & Run and Vypra... (hey, Dio Stories count, right??)"
- General Hawk (Not as such, no : ) -ed)
"Mainframe & Zarana Must be something about those pink haired
girls to get the nurdy guys all bothered."
- MacDowin
"Baroness/Fred. It was entertaining"
- Jon S
"Tomax & Xamot. Oh c'mon, you know they've got something going on..."
- Sidewinder
"what a lame question. Isn't this kind of crappy question embarrasing
and simply retarded?"
- Batdan (No, but I'm starting to think maybe you are -ed)
SCARLETT : So, LJ and Flint win it...
FIREFLY : Well, maybe if you hadn't been involved with half the Joe team,
you'd have stood a chance....
SCARLETT : HALF !? Two do not constitute "half".
The "Ross and Rachel, dammit" award for couple who should get together.
1 - Cobra Commander/Serpentor
1 - Cobra Commander/Baroness
1 - Storm Shadow/Jinx
1 - Jinx/Falcon
1 - Tomax/Xamot
1 - Cobra Commander/Scarlett
1 - BAAT/Robo-Joe
1 - Budo/Lady Jaye
1 - Jinx/Ice Cream Soldier
1 - Duke/Covergirl
1 - Mutt/Covergirl
1 - Backstop/Covergirl
3 - Junkyard/Order
3 - Mainframe/Zarana
6 - Shipwreck/Covergirl
10 - Clutch/Covergirl
"Cobra Commander and scarlett. If only for the reason to piss of Snake Eyes.
It will also show us That CC is kind of a casanova, and Scarlett is really
into the kinky stufff, with snake-people and all.... uuuhm, maybe I AM that
pathetic.... "
- Marc De Ruiter
"Cover girl and anyone"
- Sicko
"BAAT and Robo Joe, I cant wait to see their offspring..."
- Marijn (Toystorerecords)
"Junkyard & Order (aww, I love puppies!)"
- Joegirl
"Jinx & Ice Cream Soldier. I think it would be a funny relationship."
- sidewinder
"Back-Stop and Cover Girl. She was manning his cannon the first
time they met"
- Scramble
"what a lame question. Isn't this kind of crappy question embarrasing
and simply retarded?"
- Batdan (I was right -ed)
FIREFLY : Wow. What crawled up that guy's butt and died ?
Scarlett just shrugs.
FIREFLY : Moving on....
The "Where's the %$µ^µ figure Hasbro ?" award for best non-toy character !
1 - Alexander Destro
1 - General Flagg Sr.
1 - Cobra medic
1 - Scarface
1 - Fred VII
1 - Raven (female Strato-Viper)
1 - Dr. Vandermeer
1 - Vindow Viper
1 - Cool Breeze
2 - Pythona
2 - Dr Venom
3 - Hector Ramirez
3 - Zanya
5 - Sparks
6 - Billy
11 - Kwinn
"Daina"
- Various (Look, she got a figure, technically -ed)
"I want a 20 Questions Playset! With Hector Rameriz and
missile-firing cameras!"
- Hooper_X
"Alexander Destro. Any reason to release a new Destro that
looks half-decent."
- Sidewinder
"The Paine Brothers (Ok, it's three characters, but release them in a
Renegades-style 3 pack)."
- Beav
SCARLETT : Kwinn. Honorable. Strong.
FIREFLY : Dead as a can of spam.
SCARLETT : Well, that too.
The "Dead, I hope ?" award for worst non-toy character ever !
1 - General Liederkranz
1 - Fred VII
1 - Dr. Burkhart
1 - Cobra-La creatures
1 - Shipwreck's synthoid daughter
1 - Orlofski The Dwarf
1 - Brittany "Bree" Van Mark (Lifeline's girlfriend)
1 - Cool Breeze
1 - Honda Lou West
1 - First attempt at creating Serpentor in the toon
1 - Admiral Lattimer
1 - Dr. Biggles-Jones
2 - Vindow Viper
2 - Billy
3 - Alexander Destro
4 - Candy Apple (Bongo the Balloon Bear)
8 - Big Lob
SCARLETT : Another no-brainer !
FIREFLY : What did you expect ? Can you say "Stereotype" ?
SCARLETT : Now, let's get ready to rumble !
The "Miss GIJOE 2002" award for best female character !
1 - Zarana
1 - Cadet Deming
5 - Covergirl
7 - Scarlett
16 - Baroness
19 - Lady Jaye
"Scarlett. I wanted to be Scarlett...well, from the toon. I
want to beat the crap outta my brothers like that"
- Diana M
"Baroness. Although not shown to be as sick and twisted as
she should be."
- John M
"Lady Jaye's awesome. She totally cannot sing"
- Hooper_X (Oookay -ed)
SCARLETT : Dammit !
FIREFLY : There there.
SCARLETT : Just shows that all you need is a little cleavage...
FIREFLY : Bitter much ? Maybe this will make you feel better.
The "Miss Fire" award for worst female character ever !
1 - Volga
1 - Vypra
1 - Baroness
1 - Amber (Quick Kick's girlfriend)
2 - Jinx
3 - Zanya
4 - Lady Jaye
4 - Pythona
5 - Scarlett
4 - Candy Apple
5 - Zarana
6 - Cover Girl
"That girl hacker, not anything wrong with her,
really, but I hate it when grown women wear their hair like that."
- Diana M
"The one that wore a thong in Worlds Without End. Come on,
its a childrens show damn it!"
- Macdowin
"That Cobra chick from Sunbows Not a Ghost of a Chance "
- Scramble
SCARLETT : that was a surprise !
FIREFLY : Maybe the figure did it. Not really flattering, was it ?
SCARLETT : At least nobody mentioned my Ninja Force look...
The "Biker guy from hell" award for best dreadnok ever !
1 - Zarana
1 - Gnawgahyde
2 - Zandar
2 - Road Pig
2 - Torch
2 - Zanzibar
4 - Monkeywrench
4 - Trasher
7 - Ripper
8 - Zartan
17 - Buzzer
"Buzzer! EVIL SOCIOLOGISTS UNITE!"
- Hooper_X
"Buzzer--the rest were interchangable"
- Kowalski
SCARLETT : Well, he IS the smart one....
FIREFLY : That's not saying much... Oh well, at least he doesn't drool
all over himself.
The "What's in a name" award for best codename ever !
1 - Skidmark
1 - Shortfuse
1 - Dusty
1 - Big Brawler
1 - Lifeline
1 - Fast Blast Viper
1 - Destro
1 - Roadblock
1 - Spirit
1 - Flash
1 - Trasher
1 - Gristle
1 - Shipwreck
1 - Jinx
1 - Dialtone
1 - Annihilator
1 - Clutch
1 - Flint
1 - Hawk
1 - Keel Haul
1 - Duke
2 - Wild Weasel
2 - Hit 'n Run
2 - Zanzibar
2 - Rock 'n Roll
2 - Storm Shadow
2 - Shockwave
3 - Ace
4 - Firefly
5 - Snake-Eyes
"Maggot. Anyone who can go by the label Maggot must have guts."
- Diana M (Uhm... that's a vehicle. The driver was WORMS -ed)
"Snake Eyes. Great code name, even though it didn't really mean anything.
Suits him perfectly and became synonymous with G.I. Joe."
- General Hawk
"Road Rash"
- Cabanajack (hehehe -ed)
"Flint. If I liked children I would have one and his name would be Flint"
- Kowalski
FIREFLY : Ugh. Is there anything about this guy that sucks ?
SCARLETT : Hey, Snake-Eyes is popular, deal with it !
FIREFLY : Anyway, now we come to our last award !
SCARLETT : And it's not exactle flattering !
The "Hugh Jazz" award for WORST codename ever !
1 - Captain Gridiron
1 - Psyche-Out
1 - Supertrooper
1 - Charbroil
1 - Robo-Joe
1 - Space Shot
1 - Zartan
1 - Sideswipe
1 - Rip-It
1 - Big Ben
1 - Major Altitude
1 - Bazooka
1 - AVAC
1 - Overlord
1 - T'gin-Zu
1 - Big Lob
1 - Wetdown
1 - Monkeywrench
1 - Deejay
1 - Rock 'n Roll
2 - Crystal Ball
3 - Sneak Peek
3 - T'Jbang
6 - Skidmark
16 - Ice Cream Soldier
"Iron Hacker (my gijoevscobra fanclub name)"
- Marijn (Toystorerecords)
"Rip-It *snicker*hee-hee!"
- Phillip Donnely
"Zartan. I mean, could it be any more obviously cribbed from "Tarzan"?"
- Hooper_X
"Robo-Joe--The very essence of everything that went wrong with
GI Joe in the nineties in one lousy code-name."
- Kowalski
Ice Cream Soldier. Yeah, I know it meant something. The name still stinks."
- General Hawk
FIREFLY : You guys really have a guy called "Skidmark"?
SCARLETT : You guys really have a guy called "Rip It ?"
FIREFLY : Maybe I should shut my cakehole.
SCARLETT : I think that's best, especially since our time here
is up ! Goodnight everybody !
FIREFLY : See ya !
Scarlett and Firefly exit, with "Sabotage", by the Beasty Boys playing
in the background. Hawk and Cobra Commander return.
CC : We're just steamrolling through these awards !
HAWK : I think there are those who would disagree with that statement.
CC : Hmpf. In that case, General, would you mind announcing the next
section ?
HAWK : Har har. The following section is the GENERAL section,
hosted by MAJOR BLUDD and TUNNELRAT !
Major Bludd and Tunnelrat come own the stairs, to the closing tune of the
second season.
TUNNELRAT : Hi there ! Nice cozey little place we have here !
MAJOR BLUDD : Well usually, it's a massive weapon designed to
launch aircraft and use mind control. But tonight, we're having a party !
TUNNELRAT : That's right ! And now, we talk about some of the stuff
that has happened in 2002. It's been quite a year !
MAJOR BLUDD : Yes. Articulation changes, packaging changes, new
filecard styles. So much to choose from !
TUNNELRAT : So let's see what was really memorable !
The "Whoohoo !" award for best news of the year !
1 - Joe toys in Canada
1 - Conquest repaint
1 - Team packs (Tiger Force tec.) and classic vehicles
1 - Plenty of exclusives using old sculpts
1 - New sculpts
1 - New figures
1 - Spy troops
1 - Strong holiday sales
1 - Succes of the comic
1 - Major relaunch
1 - 3.34" convention exclusives
1 - TRU Tiger Force
1 - Joe toon back on TV
2 - Joe is coming to Europe
3 - DVD's on their way
4 - Larry Hama writes Joe again
7 - BAT multi-pack
20 - O-rings return !
"3-3/4 Convention Exclusives - the signal that we were back."
- Chris J
"Joes are here to stay"
- Bill Leach
MAJOR BLUDD : People love those O-rings !
TUNNELRAT : Well, they are the foundation our design was built on ! Check
this out !
Tunnelrat does an anatomically impossible hellicopter punch, where his
torso rotates several times.
MAJOR BLUDD : That was disgusting.... Are you OK ?
TUNNELRAT : I can taste my own spine...
MAJOR BLUDD (ignoring Tunnelrat) : But it wasn't all sunshine and
roses in 2002 ! As ever, there was bitching. Hehehe
The "They cancelled Star Trek!" award for WORST news of the year !
1 - thebivouac.com closing
1 - Price of the Crimson Strike Team
1 - Army builder packs
1 - Pirce of vintage figures keeps rising
1 - Wave 1 Heavy Duty released again with skullbuster
1 - Golden, sound-attack Rattler
1 - Skinny/loose waist syndrome on the new figures
1 - Classic molds being fazed out
1 - DVD's will take sometime to arrive
1 - DVD's won't have all episodes.
1 - Image series continues
1 - No back canopy for the TRU Rattler
1 - Postponement of Tiger Force pack
2 - Two-packs remain instead of single carded figures
2 - More repaints on the way
2 - Slow Joe distribution in Canada
4 - Sound attack weapons
7 - Still figures without O-rings
7 - Logo change
"This was a great year, can't think of any."
- Cabanajack
"Duke/CC in wave 2 assortment. Who wants more of that stuff?
I may be biased because I work for tso44, and have to deal with
lots of them now. "
- Stu
"Hasbro security still can't clamp down on leaks...I hate finding out
about stuff early..spoils the fun"
- John M
"The upcoming vehicles. I wanted something more square than what was
out last year, but c'mon! This is the worst case of overcompensation
I've ever witnessed."
- Rockhammer
"Army Builder packs: What do you do if you're a completist, but not a
troop builder, and these packs have unique figures??"
- Philliph Donnely (Let me send you my home adress -ed)
MAJOR BLUDD : Looks like the judges will have to come out !
TUNNELRAT : Great, more airtime for ragface....
CC : I heard that !
HAWK : Down to business. Logo change or no-O-ring.
CC : Well, the non-O-ring design is being fazed out, while the new
logo seems to be here to stay !
HAWK : I agree.
MAJOR BLUDD : The new Joe logo wins it !
TUNNELRAT : It could be worse....
MAJOR BLUDD : How's that ?
TUNNELRAT : It could have been Snake-Eyes' face. Then we would
have seen rioting !
The "Usual Suspects" award for biggest surprise of the year !
1 - A tunnelrat figure !
1 - A Stalker figure !
1 - Headman repaint
1 - Wave 1.5
1 - Storm Shadow's return on General Hawk's website
1 - Slipstream comes with new conquest
1 - Wave 3 Snake-Eyes recolor
1 - B.A.T. 6 pack's overall coolness and great price
1 - Blaylock is still writing the Image series
1 - Figure quality as the year progressed
1 - NAC being cool
1 - New Joe collectros popping up in Belgium
1 - BJ's set doing so well
1 - Team sets (Tiger Force, Python, BAT)
1 - Such a large amount of figures this year
1 - Image comics
1 - Extra articulation in certain figures
1 - Rumors of convention troop set being true
1 - Inferno BATS
1 - Frontline comic
1 - Wave 5 being out so soon
1 - Larry Hama returns
1 - Having lunch with Larry Hama
1 - Test run of Joe on TV succes despite no advertising
1 - Battle points and mail-ins return
1 - Return of "Steel-brigade" type figure
1 - Figures being retro-fitted for O-ring
1 - Logo change
2 - RAH exclusives at the convention
2 - Spy troops
2 - Joe on TV
3 - BATTS return (six-pack)
8 - O-rings return
"Having lunch with Larry Hama"
- Cabanajack (Brag, why don't ya -ed)
"At the convention, when I found out that Rockhammer is in to dancing.
But it fits him, really."
- Diana M
"Inferno BATs (Let me give you the tour of the Chasm of Sar while
we're here.)"
- John M
"That any decent figures came out at all"
- Divine Shockwave
"wave 4's awesomeness"
- SeaN
"Spy Troops. "Surprise, I'm a spy!!!" "
- Jon S
TUNNELRAT : O-rings again !
MAJOR BLUDD : Just don't do that disgusting twisty thing again.
The "New Coke" award for most bizarre change in the Joe world ever !
1 - Battle Corps
1 - Manimals
1 - Sound attack
1 - Destro having a kid
1 - Two-packs replace single carded figures
1 - Resculpting of the vehicles
1 - Image series
1 - DiC cartoons
1 - Neon colors
1 - Joes staying in alt. universe in "Worlds Without End"
2 - GIJoe extreme
2 - Cobra-La
3 - Star Brigade
4 - New logo
8 - O-ring design scrapped (briefly)
"Billys prosthetic leg swapping sides like that. I'll bet that hurt."
- Diana M
"Turning some of Cobra's coolest villains into good guys. :("
- General Hawk
"Neon makes me cry when I'm alone"
- Chris J
MAJOR BLUDD : Again with the o-rings...
TUNNELRAT : Hey, sometimes, the hate runs deep !
MAJOR BLUDD : Now let's change gears !
The "And give him a figure" award for fictional character that you'd want
to appear in the Joeverse.
1 - Dr. Doom
1 - B.A. Baracus
1 - Codename 47 (Hitman games)
1 - Neo (The Matrix)
1 - Matt Tracker (MASK)
1 - Shaft
1 - Rambo
1 - Rocky Balboa
1 - Sgt. Rock
1 - Riddick (Pitch Black)
1 - Dark Angel
1 - Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)
1 - Death's Head
1 - The Punisher
1 - Sledge Hammer
1 - The Saint
1 - Jack O'neil (Stargate : SG-1)
2 - MacGuyver
4 - Nick Fury
5 - Jack Ryan
"Clark W. Griswold (from the vacation movies odd ball) I promise if you
send him in to infiltrate cobra HQ, it wont be standing when he leaves."
- MacDowin
"Sledge Hammer (Police Inspector from the show of the same name.
The only cop who would blow up a building to deal with a sniper, and
try to diffuse a nuclear warhead.)"
- Karl (Sledge)
"Shamgar, from the Bible's Book of Judges, who once killed 6000
Philistines with an oxgoad. No joke..."
- Divine Shockwave ( I said fictional, not mythical -ed)
"Cabanajack"
- SeaN/Stu/Cabanajack
"Alyssa Milano She would look so hot in a Baroness type outfit"
- Bill Leach (I think we should have a talk about what "fictional" means. -ed)
"Hollywood Hogan and the nWo."/Hulk Hogan
- Satan (Jeremy Watts)/Hector Delgado (Same goes for you guys -ed)
MAJOR BLUDD : Jack Ryan ! A fine choice ! He looks just like
Alec Baldwin !
TUNNELRAT : I thought he looked just like Harrison Ford.
MAJOR BLUDD : Depends on who you ask.
The "Summer comics" award for crossover you'd most want to see !
1 - Joe meets uncle Scrooge
1 - Joe/Action Force
1 - Joe/Transformers (2-packs)
1 - Joe/Masters of the Universe
1 - Joe/Star Wars
1 - Joe vs. The Ultimates
1 - Joe vs Punisher
1 - Cobra/Alien
1 - Joe/Sgt. Rock
1 - Joe/Batman
1 - Joe/Gremlins
1 - Joe/Jem
1 - Joe/James Bond
1 - Joe/Team X (Wolverine, Sabretooth, Maverick)
1 - Joe/Transformers (toon)
1 - Joe/Resident Evil
1 - Joe/Metal Gear Solid
1 - Joe/MASH
1 - Joe/COPS (the Hasbro toy line, I assume -ed)
1 - Joe/Star Trek : New Frontier
1 - Joe,Cobra/Spiderman, Dr. Doom
2 - Joe/Stargate SG-1
2 - Joe/X-men
2 - Joe/MASK
3 - Joe/SHIELD
"I'd like to avoid non-Hasbro crossovers. Joes vs X-Man would be terrible."
- Notpicard
"Batman, but only slightly. maybe he could get a little help from shockwave
or low-light. "
- Stu
"GI Joe/Action Force. it's gotta be weird to meet a delusional identical of
yourself."
- SeaN
"Crossovers are bad, mmkay?"
- Ravnos
"Crossovers are inherently evil"
- Hooper_X
"None. I hate crossovers. They're the last resort of people desperate
to sell comic books."
- Diana M
"GI Joe meets... Uncle Scrooge (then Larry Hama could write it. It
could work, I tell you!)"
- Tim Frankovich
"GI Joe/SHIELD Cobra and Hybra has formed an unstoppable alliance.
Could the combined forces of GI JOE and SHIELD stop them?"
- KennyD
MAJOR BLUDD : Shield ?
TUNNELRAT : Why not ? You guys and Hydra are pratically interchangable
anyway.
MAJOR BLUDD : Their schemes don't involve fatal fluffies....
TUNNELRAT : Yeah....Be proud of that..... *rolls eyes*
The "Superman Vs. The Hulk" award for best fight ever !
1 - Beach Head vs. Order "Gimme that!" (Movie)
1 - Zartan vs. Storm Shadow (Gen. Hawk's "loose ends" dio-story)
1 - Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow vs. Cobra Island (comic)
1 - Dusty vs. Lt. Claymore (toon, "The Traitor")
1 - Shipwreck vs. Cobra Commander (toon "Lights, Camera, Cobra")
1 - Sgt. Slaughter vs. Nemesis Enforcer (movie)
1 - SAW-Viper vs. the captured Joes (comic)
1 - Arrow vs. Serpentor (hahaha -ed)
1 - Snake-Eyes vs. The Cobra Consulate building (comic)
1 - Snake-Eyes vs. Cobra Commander (comic)
1 - Snake-Eyes vs. Storm Shadow (subway, comic)
1 - Snake-Eyes vs. Storm Shadow (Silent Castle, comic)
1 - Hawk vs. Destro (Unspecified)
1 - Hawk vs. Destro (comic)
1 - Quick Kick vs. Storm Shadow (Unspecified)
2 - Spirit vs. Storm Shadow (toon)
2 - Rattler vs. Skystriker (Ace vs. Wild Weasel) ("Shakedown" comic)
2 - Snake-Eyes vs. Storm Shadow (Image comic)
4 - Snake-Eyes vs. Storm Shadow (Unspecified)
4 - Zarana vs. Lady Jaye (comic)
"When Scarlett slapped Snake Eyes. You GO girl. Do it again!"
- Diana M
"I always liked the goofy Spirit vs. Storm Shadow bouts. Because they
somehow assumed that the Indian guy could fight the ninja. BECAUSE
THEY'RE BOTH SORTA SPIRITUAL, YOU KNOW. LIKE MYSTIC
AND STUFF"
- Hooper_X
"Steel Brigade vs. Joe collectors"
Cabanajack (Now now -ed)
TUNNELRAT : Another tie !
CC : Well, considering that we don't know what Snake-Eyes/Storm Shadow
encounters got the votes specifically....
HAWK : And because Snake-Eyes already has to borrow the FLAGG to
get all his damn awards home....
CC : We'll give it to Zarana and Lady Jaye !
HAWK : And it is no way because we like chick fights...
MAJOR BLUDD : Smooth....
The "Unicron vs. the Death Star" award for fight you'd most want to see !
1 - Scrap Iron vs. Salvo
1 - Order vs. Junkyard
1 - Zarana vs. Zanya
1 - Beach Head vs. Major Bludd (fistfight)
1 - BAT v1 vs. BAT v2
1 - Cover Girl vs. Baroness
1 - Destro vs. Cobra Commander
1 - Crystal Ball vs. The Blind Master
1 - Mirage vs. Zartan
1 - Destro vs. Alexander Destro
1 - Zandear/Zarana vs. Tomax/Xamot
1 - Lady Jaye vs. Scarlett vs. Cover Girl vs. Jinx vs. Baroness vs. Zarana
vs. Daina in the PIT's mud ... pit...
1 - Zartan vs. Serpentor
1 - Lt. Ripley vs Cobra Commander in human snake form
1 - Zoltron vs. Armor Bot
1 - Sgt. Slaughter vs. Road Pig
1 - Duke vs. Hawk
1 - Lady Jaye vs. Zarana (part two)
1 - Fridge vs. Sgt. Slaughter
1 - Flint vs. Destro
1 - Spirit vs. Storm Shadow
1 - Timber vs. Snow Serpent's dog/wolf
1 - Snake-Eyes vs. Cobra Commander
1 - Snake-Eyes vs. Firefly
1 - Snake-Eyes vs. Scrap Iron
1 - Snake-Eyes vs. Serpentor
1 - Mercer vs. Gristle
2 - Snake-Eyes vs. Duke
2 - Snake-Eyes vs. Storm Shadow (what, AGAIN !? -ed)
2 - Scarlett vs. Baroness
"I want Duke to get that son of a bitch Saw viper (is he ALIVE?) and give
him what for."
- Diana M
"Cesspool and his mighty Cobra army vs. The unstoppable G.I.Joe team"
- Hector Delgado
"Timmer and Zartan"
- Cabanajack
"DDD vs David Lane. Hey, you didn't specify."
- Macdowin
"As a sexist pig, any Joe female against the Baroness in a mud-wrestling
match (Clutch did bring a similar idea up to Cover Girl and Scarlett)"
- Karl (Sledge)
"catfight between any two girls...even as a girl..you got to admit..girls fight
better. Take boxing for example...3 guy fights, they dance.
The girls get in the ring and kick butt the whole time"
- Ann G
"Duke vs Snake Eyes. I didn't know I had this much hidden anger for Duke
until I started filling out this form."
- Notpicard
"Shipwreck kills everybody. 'Cause he rules"
- Hooper_X
"(resists urge to mention a mud pit...) The FINAL battle between
Mercer and Gristle. (I haven't written it yet...)"
- Tim Frankovich
MAJOR BLUDD : Ties aplenty here.....
TUNNELRAT : We don't need those spotlight huggers. It's simple
several people suggested a fight between any girls. So....
MAJOR BLUDD : Baroness and Scarlett win by default ?
TUNNELRAT : Indeed. Plus, it helps tone down the Snake-Eyes
omnipresence....
MAJOR BLUDD : That's all the awards we have to give out, generally
speaking.
TUNNELRAT : *groan* Enjoy the rest of the evening, folks !
Major Bludd and Tunnelrat leave, to the tune of the second season closing
theme. Hawk and Cobra Commander come back.
HAWK : Spotlight hugger ? Somebody is heading for a month of latrine
duty, I can tell you !
CC : Well, just two more categories to go !
HAWK : And the next one is where we take off the gloves....
CC : A no-holds-barred death match !
HAWK : One shall stand, one shall fall ! And we're doing this section ourselves !
CC : Yes, because underlings should not taint these next awards with
their presence.
HAWK : I thought we were just rying to save a few bucks ?
CC : That works too !
ANNOUNCER : And here is the first award in the "neverending question"
section, ladies and gentlemen, the FAVORITE FACTION !
6 - All equal
9 - Other
20 - Joe
23 - Cobra
""Other" is an interesting choice..but I love the Joes. I even got my Joes a
little Christmas tree this year, all for them. It's got presents and ornamens
and blinky lights and everything."
- Diana M
"Cobra Crimson Guard Elite Force "
- Mark De Ruiter (Nice try -ed)
CC : YESSSSSS !!!! Gimme a "C" Gimme an "O"...
HAWK : Gimme a break.
CC : BOW DOWN BEFORE THE MIGHT OF COBRA !!
HAWK : Medic !
CC : Ahhhh.... That felt good.
HAWK : Moving on....
The "Freighter fodder" award for least favorite faction ever !
1 - All equal
1 - Joe
1 - Manimals
2 - Iron Grenadiers
6 - Dreadnoks
10 - Oktober Guard
17 - Headhunters
"Headhunters. Just for the drug thing."
- Zedhatch
"none suck from that list."
- John M
"I don't think that Street Fighters really count as a faction, since they are
each seperate people all grouped into one category, so my vote goes to Sgt
Slaughter's Marauders. The figures were terrible and why these great Joes
would be grouped together into a subteam has me confused."
- Notpicard (Not a faction either -ed)
"Eco Warriors" "DEF" "BF2000" "Cobra-La"
- Various (Those. Are. Not. Factions. -ed)
HAWK : Drugs kill, folks. And they cause toys with guys in crappy suits.
CC : There seems so be some confusion over what constitutes a faction,
though.
HAWK : Fortunetaly, we have a visual aid to settle this. Duke, could you
come up here, please.
Duke makes his way to the stage.
HAWK : There's a difference between a subgroup and a faction. For
example, we have the Eco Warriors. These are a subgroup.
Ozone walks on stage.
HAWK : Although they have their own unit, they are still the good guys,
and therefore wouldn't fight against GIJoe, just Cobra.
To demonstrate, Ozone shakes Hawk's hand, then gets behind Cobra
Commander and kicks him squarely in the butt !
CC : OWWWW ! Son of a......
HAWK : The same can be said for Slaughter's Marauders.....
Barbeque, in Marauder gear, walks on stage and kicks an unsuspecting
Cobra Commander in the butt again.
CC : YOWWW !
HAWK : Or DEF.
Bulletproof walks onstage and, well, you get the idea....
CC : AAAAAHHHH !
HAWK : Now, a faction, on the other hand, is independant of Joe or
Cobra, though they can work with either, or for themselves from
time to time. Let's take the Dreadnoks for example.
Torch and Ripper walk onstage.
HAWK : Now, they can be allied with Cobra....
Torch kicks Duke in the butt.
DUKE : OWWWWwwwww !
HAWK : Or, like for a time with the weather dominator pieces for example,
can work for themselves against Cobra....
Ripper kicks Cobra Commander in the butt.
CC : SWEET MOTHER OF ALL FOOTBALL STICKS ! Make it stop !
HAWK : Are we clear on this now ?
CC : (rubbing his behind) We'd better be...
All the buttkickers make their way off stage. So does Duke.
The "Now THAT'S GIJoe" award for favorite medium !
8 - Cartoon
8 - All equal
12 - Comic
29 - Toys
"Toys. Both the comic and cartoon could take away from my love of the
characters by throwing them into absurd plots or characterizing them
directly opposite from how I thought they should be."
- Divine Shockwave
"Toys. That's why we're here, kids."
- Hooper_X
CC : This seems obvious. I thought this category was all about
fighting to the finish ! Getting down to the nitty gritty ! Arena of
Sports kinda stuff !
HAWK : You're right ! So next year, this award will be a little different !
CC : Speaking of obvious....
The "Oh, the humanity" award for the new Joe logo !
2 - For it (packaging only)
10 - Indifferent
42 - Against it
"Who really cares? It's a logo. Rub it off, ignore it, or get over it. Seriously."
- Mike Taber
"Indifferent. If it helps to attract more people to purchase the figures great.
If it makes more 30-something fanboys cryit couldnt be all bad ;)"
- Anonymous
"Against. I want my stuff to match, oh yeah and who the hell paints a head
on the side of their equipment. (I'm sure there is someone, so please don't
answer that)"
- Chris J
HAWK : Whatddayaknow.... Biggest landslide of this year's FLAGGS.
CC : Biggest landslide in ANY FLAGGS !
HAWK : So much for the neverending questions !
CC : But now, we come to the big one !
HAWK : The most important section of our show ! And why is that ?
CC : Because it's about You guys ! The fans ! The people that have
made GIJoe last 20 years and change !
HAWK : And to help celebrate our beloved fandom, we got the hosts
you picked yourselves ! The winners of the "Central Perk" and the
"Oh THAT" award, Shipwreck and the Baroness !!
The theme music from the TV series "Friends" plays as Shipwreck
makes his way down the stairs. Once he's onstage, the music switches
to the "you're the one that I want" piece from the Grease song as the
Baroness joins him !
SHIPWRECK : Hi there, Mateys ! A pleasure to be here again !
BARONESS : Why, God, why ? When did YOU get to be so popular !?
SHIPWRECK : Well, either ya got it, or you don't, and I gots it !
BARONESS : On behalf of everybody here at the FLAGGS, I'd like to
apologize in advance for anything this man might say.
SHIPWRECK : Owww ! That's cold ! Maybe I'll warm you up before
the night is over.
BARONESS : I'm armed.
SHIPWRECK : Fine. Let's get started ! You've all been browsing like
crazy, and here's what you thought of this year's Joe stuff online !
The "Yojoe" award for BEST JOE WEBSITE OF THE YEAR !
1 - 375 toys
1 - Brock Lee's site
1 - Sgt Savages website
1 - Covertmissions.com
1 - gijoeforsale.com
1 - Tim's corner ( www.timscorner.com )
1 - Mike T's site ( www.ugolino.com )
3 - Smalljoes.com
3 - Joesightings.com
7 - generalsjoes.com
12 - Quick Kick's theatre (www.qktheathre.com )
18 - Joecustoms.com
"JoeCustoms.com (STRONG bias here ;-) )"
- Beav
"Ebay Helps me support my habbit!! "
- Phaylon
"When I heard the Biv was shutting down, my reaction was there goes
the best Joe chat forum online. That opinion quickly changed"
- Scramble (about joecustoms.com)
BARONESS : And a big applause for Joecustoms.com !
SHIPWRECK : It's a very nice place ! With plenty of customs that
would make Hasbro proud !
BARONESS : And now, let's see who people thought went that extra
mile in 2002 !
The "He'd give the shirt of his back" award for most helpful fan of the year !
1 - Dave Thornton
1 - Crimson
1 - Wolf
1 - Karsten "Viper" Krahe
1 - John Briggs
1 - Destrokeller
1 - Justin Barnhill
1 - Bill Leach
1 - Prozac
1 - Hoovertron
1 - Thomas Wheeler
1 - Brent Patterson
1 - Cabanajack
1 - Jase Traber
1 - Corey Stinson
1 - Mickey (Covergirl of Rogueforce)
2 - EagleEyeJoe
2 - Floridasean (Sean Clark)
2 - Mike T
2 - SeaN
3 - General Hawk
6 - John Missal
9 - Beav
John Missal. Offered to trade some loose items to me, and ended up
supplying me with my holy grail at the time, a near complete Rolling
Thunder. Gave it to me cheap, too! :)"
- General Hawk
"any one from quick kick theater "
- Bryan Segal
"DDD yep, he's a fan too. It's good to have one on the inside."
- John Missal
"By far JUSTIN BARNHILL. Apart from numerous excellent trades, this guy
has helped a lot of other fans to get their hands on the CST set and has
helped me in various other ways. But there are more people that I also
had great fun and deals withI would also like to mention Mickey from NY,
who helped me out with joe-spots on my trip to NY"
- Marijn (Toystorerecords)
"Beav. He brought custom Joes back online in a big way"
- Notpicard
"Cjack. you get instant credit for taking me out to dinner folks...
bear in mind."
- SeaN
"Beav for doing so much at the joecustoms.com site"
- Takedown
SHIPWRECK : Go Beav !
BARONESS : But don't think that just our appreciation is all the reward
you'll recieve ! Nonono dahling !
SHIPWRECK : Indeed ! Because the winner if the "most helpful fan" award
gets a 50$ GIFT CERTIFICATE from SMALLJOES.COM !
BARONESS : You'll be contacted shortly about this ! And our thanks
to SMALLJOES.COM for their generous contribution !
SHIPWRECK : But let's move on. There are plenty more people to
talk about !
The "What's in a name?" award for best nickname/screenname !
1 - Sidewinder
1 - Wowboy
1 - Lurker
1 - Corey Stinson
1 - Destro80
1 - Fanboyous Prime
1 - Big Daddy Phil
1 - Floridaman
1 - Redclaw
1 - Obiwan Jacoby
1 - Homerdohnutz
1 - Swivel-arm beer grip (seen on DD forum)
1 - Evil Porkchop (Joecustoms)
1 - P-luv (Joecustoms)
1 - Straight-Edge
1 - Bleedyoudry
1 - Gothiczartan
1 - Cabanajack
2 - Divine Shockwave
3 - Evilface
3 - Prozac
"The 12 dozen Scott "Ifyoutalktomary" George has used"
- CabanaJack
"Wet_&_Wild. Oops, wrong fandom"
- Macdowin
"Prozac. (thankfully there is no one posting as Viagra....yet)"
- Lady K
"Corey Stinson. no really... if you guys knew his real name, you'd find it
most creative as well. :)"
- SeaN
"Wowboy lol"
- Wowboy
"Lurker"
- lurker
"- I'll have to go for my own, Divine Shockwave."
- Guess who
"Sidewinder. Hey, have an ego."
- Sidewinder
"Prozac"
- Prozac
BARONESS : A lot of egotrippers here !
SHIPWRECK : And also a tie !
HAWK : Well, considering Prozac voted for himself, I think the
choice is obvious.
CC : I agree ! Evilface wins it ! That's what happens when you vote
for yourself. Bwhahahahaaaa !
SHIPWRECK : There you have it, folks ! And speaking of evil....
the "Can I quote you on that ?" award for best signature line !
1 - Acmirro's sturdy construction sig
1 - "Closet Crystal Ball fan" (Jeff)
1 - "Get this woman off of me" (Acmirro)
1 - "Prozac is my man hoe" (Justin Barnhill)
1 - "Yo joe forever" (Macdowin)
1 - "To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:yojoe-
thepitunsubscribe@egroups.com "
1 - "If TCP/IP handshaking was less formal, perhaps SYN/ACK would be
YO!/SUP! Instead..." (Unspecified)
1 - Premature panic is a sign of an immature mind. (Unspecified)
1 - "shit happened and they called me. too bad the caller wasn't a very lonely
and very beautiful woman, thats just in the movies" (the man without a name)
2 - "Would you people please try to remember that I am evil !? -Spike (Timmer)
joecustoms.com's stitches; "(image of pirate): he was knocked out by black
entertainment television" - I have no idea WHAT that means, but I love it like
my own child."
- Hooper_X
"Damn, who said the one about Tomax and Zamot being replaced by the
Olsen twins!?"
- Cabanajack
"ACMirro..get this woman off of me...in response to the silly post count
threads at yojoe. "
- AnnG
"Mickey had quite a few good ones, unfortunately I didn't save them."
- chris J
BARONESS : Well well.
SHIPWRECK : And people still believe these things aren't rigged.
BARONESS : Suspicious suspicious....
The "Uhmmm..." award for best fanfic of the year !
1 - "Warbirds" (unspecified)
1 - "Old Soldiers" (Straight-Edge)
1 - "Borthers" (C-ball)
3 - "Pantsman halloween special" (Timmer)
"the price of peace by general hawk will always be the best! "
- Daniel Alexander/Troy X (But that's not from 2002 -ed)
"Anything by Talon"
- MacDowin
SHIPWRECK : This is.... weird.
BARONESS : Yeah, I mean, Pantsman is nice and all, but best fic ?
That's an insult.
SHIPWRECK : Maybe it has something to do with the fact that only
NINE people bothered to vote on it, and three of those were out of
bounds...
The Baroness and Shipwreck glare at the audience.
BARONESS : Maybe the next award will yield better results...
The "Recreational Shakespeare" award for best fanfic ever !
1 - "Warbirds" (unspecified)
1 - "The Sailor's Tale" (Rod Hannah)
1 - "Guardian" (Unspecified)
1 - "Murphy's Law" (Mickey McCormack/Josh Davies Rogue Force series)
1 - "Burden of Authority" (Dani)
2 - "The Pantsman Chronicles" (Timmer)
7 - "The Price of Peace" (General Hawk)
SHIPWRECK : That's a little more like it !
BARONESS : Indeed.
SHIPWRECK : And congrats go to my commanding officer ! I'll drink to ya !
BARONESS : He's not REALLY General Hawk, you know. And where did
you get that beer ?
SHIPWRECK : I get this instead of a paycheck !
The "Word and picture in perfect harmony" award for best dio-story of the year !
1 - "Warfare II" (Mike)
1 - "GIJoe Canada" (Jon S)
1 - "hierarchy of madness" (Zed)
1 - "Reformation" (Anthony Mirro)
1 - "Bitter Cold" (General Hawk)
1 - "Loose Ends" (General Hawk)
1 - "Go"-Joe mini-dio (General Hawk)
2 - "Power Struggle" (General Hawk)
2 - "Go joe" (Bandelero)
3 - "New Blood, Cold Steel" (General Hawk)
8 - "Concrete Jungle" (General Hawk)
8 - "Resurrection" (Tim Frankovich)
"Derek Anderson's one. Don't know if it was show anywhere other than
in private, but it used a bunch of prototypes in his back yard.
Flagrent misuse of valuable toys :)"
- John M
"GI Joe: Resurrection, by me (Hey, I've voted against myself the
past few years - it's time for some self-praise here.)"
- Tim Frankovich
New Blood Cold Steel, by General Hawk (Sorry, Tim, THIS year, I'm voting
for myself! :D)"
- Guess who
BARONESS : Uhmmm... Well, it's a tie...
CC : Normally, voting for yourself would count against you, but BOTH
of these goobers did that !
HAWK : Now, I can't think of a single fair way to decide this... Even
flipping a coin seems wrong.
CC : So ?
HAWK : The tie stands !!!
SHIPWRECK : Great going, guys ! Keep up the good dio-ing this year !
BARONESS : Hope you enjoy making 'em as the fans enjoy reading 'em !
The "Twisted Mego Theatre" award for best dio-story ever !
1 - "Warfare" (Mike)
1 - "GIJoe Canada" (Jon S)
1 - "New Blood, Cold Steel" (General Hawk)
2 - "Concrete Jungle" (General Hawk)
4 - "Resurrection" (Tim Frankovich)
8 - "Iconoclasts" (Tim Frankovich)
11 - "Power Struggle" (General Hawk)
"Power Struggle, by General Hawk. I'm a great fan of his work. Anything
that launches such a huge epic that's so involved deserves a great deal
of recognition. Here's hoping it wins."
- Sidewinder
"Iconoclasts by General Hawk"
- Scramble (hehehe -ed)
BARONESS : Well, how are we supposed to count THAT vote ?
SHIPWRECK : The question was, what's the best dio story, not a
peep about the creator. In any case, all these guys and gals have
provided us for years with top-notch entertainment ! My hat's of
to all of them !
The "Picasso" award for bets fan artist !
1 - Wolf
1 - Nelson Blake II
1 - Viper (From Cobra : The Enemy)
1 - Bandolero
1 - Sean Pero
1 - Joe Harris
2 - LeAnn (GIJoe-L)
16 - Brock Lee
"Brock Lee, though he needs to lay off the T&A "
- Jon S (Sound of wolves howling.... A dustball rolls by.. -ed)
SHIPWRECK : HEY ! There's no need to lay off anything !
BARONESS : I'm amazed you managed to restrain yourself
and not make an obvious play on words....
SHIPWRECK : There are already a couple guys tonight who are
getting first aid. I ain't planning on following them...
The "Honorary figure" award for best fan-made character in a fic or dio.
1 - Commander Stern (Jon S)
1 - Cabana Jack the Pirate (Cabanajack)
1 - Christmas Viper (General Hawk)
1 - Groundwork (Tim Frankovich)
1 - Blazer (Tim Frankovich)
1 - Pantsman (Timmer)
5 - Rev (Tim Frankovich)
"The Joe DEF member that got gratuitously killed at the VERY beginning
of General Hawk's "Concrete Jungle"."
- Hooper_X
"Groundwork, by Tim Frankovich. An interesting character seen in
"Resurrection" that has a lot more potential than was given to him.
I'd love to see him in action."
- Sidewinder
SHIPWRECK : Well done. Maybe next time, you customize me up
a bunch of cheerleader Joes !
BARONESS : And speaking of customizing....
SHIPWRECK : Not taking the bait, huh ?
BARONESS : Staying as far away from it as possible....
The "Frankenstein" award for best custom figure of the year !
1 - Storm Shadow repaint (General Hawk)
1 - Major Fracas (Brian Buchmeier)
1 - Wraith (Invisible Wraith)
1 - Firefly (Pluv)
1 - Christmas Viper (Unspecified, one assumes General Hawk)
1 - Horrorshow (Stormavik)
1 - K-9 Viper (Phil Powers)
1 - Fire Bat (Chad Ghost)
1 - Lady Jaye (Invisible Wraith)
1 - Python Serpent (Matt)
1 - Snowbird (Grand Slam)
1 - Zap (Wowboy)
2 - Sho'Nuff shogun of Harlem (Mundo)
2 - Pimp Daddy Destro Deluxe (Big Daddy Phil)
3 - Beav (Beav)
"Invisible Wraith knocks me over. Pick any one of his figs"
- Diana M
"Zanya, by Big Daddy Phil"
- Marijn (That was 2001 -ed)
"Beav by Beav. :) he did good work on that, and deserves credit. besides,
there were so many Joe characters done this year so well, I'd NEVER
make up my mind..."
- SeaN
BARONESS : Wow. A self-custom wins it this year...
SHIPWRECK : I'm surprised that S&M Baroness that showed up
on Ebay didn't get any votes...
BARONESS : A WHAT !?
SHIPWRECK : Nevermind...
The "FrankenChevy" award for best custom vehilce/project of the year !
1 - Cobra Arctic Stinger (ZaranaX)
1 - Jaguar (Unknown)
1 - Desert Striker (Invisible Wraith)
1 - UH56 Cherokee (Deltateam)
1 - Original 13 (Invisible Wraith)
1 - Transportation Corps (Joecustoms)
3 - HIND (Stormavik)
10 - ORCA hovercraft (Mercer)
"Jaguar (dont know the creator, but its and AT-AT like vehicle based
on the snowcat.. awesome! (I think its made by dawson jay aka evilface)"
- Marijn)
SHIPWRECK : That hovercraft was one impressive piece !
BARONESS : Feh. It's still dwarfed by our awsome battleship from
last year !
SHIPWRECK : Stop living in the past, leatherbroad.
BARONESS : Leatherbroad ?
SHIPWRECK : I'm very drunk right now. I'll email you a better insult
tomorrow....
The "Fun for all" award for best fan project of the year ! (anything somebody
has done for the enjoyment of the fandom)
1 - Zartan's latex masks
1 - Crystal Ball Boy Band Challenge (Unspecified)
1 - General Hawk's dio stories
1 - Cabanajack's organized fan meetings across the country
1 - Castings by Raven
1 - Blueprints by Joe Harris
1 - Manga story by Joe Harris
1 - Shelving units by Cabanajack
1 - Travelling Joe on Devil's Due forums
1 - Creation of Joesightings.com
1 - Alterna Joe Contest on Joecustoms.com
1 - Sgt. Savage.com
1 - Colton Awards (The Colton staff)
1 - Yojoe media archives on thegijoezone.com
2 - Beav opeing up Joecustoms.com
2 - Group projects at Joecustoms.com
3 - The FLAGGS (Timmer)
5 - Project 95 (John Missal)
5 - "Go Joe" project at Joecustoms.com
"I hate to nominate myself, but I'm enjoying the Manga story I'm doing"
- Joe Harris
"I think the Flaggs are a great project, because it is so much fun to check
your stuff and search for the thinks that you like or hate most about GI Joe.
It is also very enjoyable to read the show and it`s great that this year
everyone can vote"
- Nils Meyer
"all of the group projects at joecustoms.com I couldnt pick just one :) "
- Daniel Alexander
BARONESS : It seems to be a tie.
SHIPWRECK : Not really. Thanks to one Daniel Alexander.
BARONESS : Ah yes, he picked all of the Joecustoms projects,
and since "Go Joe" is one of them, it wins !!!
SHIPWRECK : Congratulations ! I raise my glass to you !
BARONESS : You raise your glass to anything. You raised your glass
to the freshly dried paint on your Humvee when you got here.
SHIPWRECK : A reason is a reason. Now we come to the things that
make us smile and cringe about the fandom ! The threads !
The "Archived for later generations" for favorite thread of the year !
1 - Wave 5 figure discussion (Covert Missions)
1 - Codpiece thread (The Pit)
1 - "Joes found in Germany" (The Pit)
1 - O-rings returns (Unspecified)
1 - "Checkpoint Alpha" (Sgt. Savage Boards)
1 - "A day in the life of your favorite Joe" (Devil's Due forums)
1 - "Things that I hate" (Joecustoms)
1 - "Fun with Joemoticons" (Joecustoms)
1 - "I'm a Bush fan but..." (Joecustoms)
3 - "I'd fight William Shatner" (newsgroup/yojoe boards)
"The Pit - Um... all of them?"
- Tim Frankovich
"Any that dont whine about O-rings, logos, etc."
- anonymous
BARONESS : "I'd fight William Shatner" ?
SHIPWRECK : You had to be there...
The "Archived to annoy future generations" award for least favorite thread of
the year !
1 - Unified logo thread (Unspecified)
1 - "Willy Darius" (Yojoe boards)
1 - "All you complainers...." (Devil's Due boards)
1 - "Should there be a gay character" (Unspecified)
1 - "Things I hate" (Joecustoms)
1 - How GIJoe would battle Al Quaida (Unspecified)
1 - Sound attack weapons thread (Covert Missions)
1 - "When is wave X coming out" (All forums)
1 - Positive vs. negative Joe fans (all forums)
1 - O-ringless madness (All forums)
2 - Stealing from Target (Yojoe boards)
"The ones that do whine about O-rings, logos, etc."
- Anonymous
"In DD, we had a lot of trolls. There were too many
gripe-fest fight to the limit hate wars to count. I hated those, and regret
whatever part I had in them, if any."
- Diana M
"People "hinting" or badmouthing Hasbro. Write a letter !" (all forums)
- Cabanajack
"the whining about joe body parts..orings..shoulders..this that and the other
whiney threads..mostly about new sculps and 2nd place goes to the
overdramatized bad trader threads....jeeez "
- AnnG
"political BS, alt.toys.gi-joe.1980s"
- Darkhawk
"Any "I hate new Joes" discussions that don't give any reason why."
- Notpicard
"any where people bitch about how hasbro hates the fans or whatever"
- Hooper_X
"Things I hate on Joecustoms. It was a long thread, at times displaying true
intellect and debating talent, and at other times, showing just how stupid
people can be"
- Divine Shockwave
"the new fig suck the old figs rock/the new figs rock the old figs suck you
know the topic that just refuses to go away its on all of them "
- Daniel Alexander
"Anything gothiczartan related in the newsgroup"
- Ravnos
"Everything Willie. Can't stand that guy! "
- Phaylon
"All the anti-American crap on alt.toys.gijoe.1980s"
.- Tim Frankovich
"The Unified Logo....get over it!"
- KennyD
SHIPWRECK : Stealing from Target ?
BARONESS : I think we've established long ago just how screwed up
this fandom is.
SHIPWRECK : Can't argue with that. At least they like us...
The "When will it END !?" award for thread that wouldn't die !
1 - "Why I hate Greenshirts" (Unspecified)
1 - "Willy Darius" (Yojoe boards)
1 - MOC vs Opened up threads (Unspecified)
1 - "Taget Sale" (Yojoe boards)
1 - "Lead paint in Funskool figures" (All forums)
1 - "Wich storyline is canon : cartoon or comics" (Unspecified)
1 - Gothiczartan being dogged (Newsgroup)
1 - Positive vs. Negative Joe fans (All forums)
1 - New logo debates (All forums)
1 - New figures suck/rule (All forums)
1 - "I'd fight William Shatner" (Yojoe boards and newsgroup)
2 - "A day in the life...." (Devil's Due boards)
2 - "BWF" (Joecustoms)
2 - O-ring debates (All forums)
5 - "Who should star in a GIJoe movie" (All forums)
"The ones that whine about O-rings, logos, etc"
- Anonymous
"something at Devils Due "
- Lurker (Could you vague that up more ? -ed)
"Who should star in a G.I. Joe movie? Make the bad men go away!"
- Phillip Donnely
"any where people bitch about how much hasbro hates the fans or whatever"
- Hooper_X
"All the anti-American crap on alt.toys.gijoe.1980s"
- Tim Frankovich
"That weird combat thread on joecustoms.com. But it DID die! "
- Jon S
SHIPWRECK : I wonder who'd play me ?
BARONESS : Any bum they pick of the street, but they'd dub his
voice over with Jack Nicholson. That is, assuming this movie would
have any sort of budget behind it.
SHIPWRECK : Oh.
BARONESS : So let's just hope said bum can do a good Nicholson
impression.
SHIPWRECK : Crud.
The "DA HELL !?" award for weirdest/silliest thread this year !
1 - Cjack meets Mickey in NY (The Pit)
1 - "Baroness for the freak in you" (Unspecified)
1 - Wierd combat thread (Joecustoms)
1 - How GIJoe would battle Al Quaida (Unspecified)
1 - "Flint in a kilt" (Undercover with the Joes)
1 - "BWF" (Joecustoms)
1 - New figs suck/rule (All forums)
1 - "DJ Zartan" (Unspecified)
2 - Codpieces (The Pit)
3 - "I'd fight William Shatner" (Yojoe boards/Newsgroup)
"Just the opposite of Highlanderthere can not be only one!"
- anonymous
"Flint in a Kilt on the Undercover w. the Joes List...The thread
originator asked Brock Lee for a picture of it."
- Robin
BARONESS : Well, what can be said about this.....
SHIPWRECK : As little as possible, so let's just get on with it.
The "Kirk vs. Picard" award for most controversial thread of the year !
1 - "Is added articulation a good thing ?" (Covert Missions)
1 - Hama versus Blaylock (Unspecified)
1 - To ban or not to ban member (All forums)
1 - "DJ Zartan" (Unspecified)
1 - Gothiczartan (Newsgroup)
1 - Funskool import ban (All forums)
1 - O-ring controversy (Unspecified)
1 - "I'd fight Willian Shatner" (Newsgroup/yojoe boards)
2 - "Is Cobra racist ?" (The Pit)
2 - "Things that I hate (Joecustoms)
2 - Target stealing (Yojoe boards)
3 - Logo change (All forums)
"there was a cops thread on DD..that one seemed to strike some nerves "
- Ann G
"to let Rocfella live or castrate him onJoecustoms.com"
- Alex A
"Anything JLB! "
- Phaylon (on yojoe boards -ed)
SHIPWRECK : The big 'ol head on our packaging.
BARONESS : All I'm saying is that there's no way I'd walk
around with a picture of Cobra Commander on my chest.
SHIPWRECK (looking) : There's plenty of room there though...
BARONESS : Stop that !
SHIPWRECK : Anyway, it's time for another bare-knuckled brawl now !
The "Plato's Palace" award for best GIJoe discussion forum !
1 - Yojoe boards
1 - Alt.Toys.gi-joe.1980s
1 - Sgt. Savage boards
1 - Duke's forum (store on 44)
3 - Devil's Due boards
7 - The Pit
10 - Covert Missions
14 - Joecustoms boards
"Still the PIT!!! Despite what everyone say about you Timmer :P"
- Cabanajack
"my snake eyes vs cobra commander one would be a great one I think "
- Bryan Segal
"I'm Partial to Duke's Forum, but I'm a big fan of the Bivouac as well.
(I know it's gone, but it still deserves a vote somewhere)"
- SeaN
"JoeCustoms.com webboard. A great community, talks about everything
from Joe releases to Joe customs to international politics.
It simply is the best."
- Divine shockwave
"JoeCustoms.com (Again, bias, but more level and not just blind site
allegience. I think there's a great group of guys there and we seem to
have minimal flamewars.)"
- Beav
BARONESS : Beav once again takes home an award !
SHIPWRECK : I'll raise a glass to him !
BARONESS : *groan*
The "lovable screwball" award for funniest fan of the year !
1 - Dillon Lee
1 - Scramble
1 - Gothiczartan
1 - AntiSneakPeak/HomerJ/ArizonaFan
1 - Paul Jacoby
1 - Josh Onesi
1 - Acmirro
1 - Chuckles
1 - Roguedoll
1 - The Doc
1 - Beav
2 - JLB
2 - Stitches
2 - Sleepersports
11 - Cabanajack
"Me"
- Bryan Segal (THAT was funny -ed)
"CJack. "Codpieces and Tangerine Speedos: An Expose."
Need I say more?"
- Notpicard
"The Doc, he's just bitter "
- Jon S
SHIPWRECK : Aye ! A guy after my own heart ! In fact, Cabanajack, let's
head over to the bar right now ! Later , ya landlubbers !
BARONESS : But but but.....
SHIPWRECK : But what ?
BARONESS : People voted for you to be here ! You can't just let them
down !
SHIPWRECK : Fine. Waiter !
The "Rookie of the year" award for best newcomer in the fandom !
1 - John Briggs
1 - Bob Uyttendaele
1 - Bryan Segal
1 - Jonathon Dillow
1 - slayne
1 - Mickey
1 - Zed
1 - Stu
1 - Redviper
1 - Stitches
2 - Babydoc
"I don't know..I am a newcomer my self...oh well..nominate one for all the
newbies! "
- AnnG
SHIPWRECK (gulping from a beer) : I *glug*se a *glug*ass to You !
BARONESS : On second thought, go to the bar.
SHIPWRECK : No way, you're shtuck with me noww, baby !
BARONESS : Thank God we're coming to the end...
The "C-10 loose means C-10 loose" award for best trader of the year !
1 - Crimson
1 - Big Tymer
1 - Pete the Greek
1 - Michael Pixton
1 - Julius "Weasel" Cooper
1 - Jase Traber
1 - Mike Bowling
1 - Macdowin
1 - Dasaffe
1 - Joystick
1 - Floridaman
1 - Prozac
1 - Acmirro
1 - Decky Hedrock
1 - GIJoeNFG
1 - Karsten "Viper" Krahe
1 - Justin Barnhill
2 - Bill Leach
4 - John Missal
SHIPWRECK : Now Thatsh what we need more ! Honeshd folks who
make great dealsh ! I love you man, I love you all !
BARONESS : From now on, anybody who asks for references, just
point out your award !
SHIPWRECK : That wash the private traders, now letsh look at the big boys !
The "C-10 case fresh" award for best online GIJoe store !
1 - Ebay
1 - Cybertron City
2 - 375 Toys
2 - GIJoeforsale.com
18 - Smalljoes.com
18 - The Store on 44
"The Store on 44. Sean provides great product and even better customer
service. I'm proud to have him as a sponsor! And, no he didn't pay me to
write that! :)"
- General Hawk
"whichever one is cheapest "
- AnnG
"I'm of course partial, but I think thestoreon44.com, smalljoes, 375toys,
and gijoeforsale all deserve credit. we've all come quite a ways this year."
- SeaN
BARONESS : Now, it looks like we have a tie here ! I'd say, we let
it stand !
SHIPWRECK : We're just that nice ! Hahahahahaaaaa ! *hickupp*
BARONESS : Correct, we'll let the folks at home decide for themselves !
SHIPWRECK : Like with women, the cheapesht would getsh my vote !
BARONESS : For the love of.... The tie stands.
SHIPWRECK : Hooray !!
Shipwreck falls over, passed out.
BARONESS : Well, I think that was for the best... Ladies and gentlemen,
we now come to the last, most important award in this category, and also
the last award in the FLAGGS !
The "GIJoe" award for RAH fan communtiy member of the year !
1 - Sean Clark (Floridaman)
1 - David Thornton
1 - General Hawk
1 - Mike T
1 - Zedhatch
1 - Paul Jacoby
1 - Justin Barnhill
1 - Deryll DePriest
1 - Redclaw
1 - Timmer
2 - SeaN (the store on 44)
2 - Sgt. Savage
3 - Eugene Son
3 - Cabanajack
3 - Corey Stinson
4 - John Missal
10 - Beav
seaN, aka shotoflern, aka my boss. though that does make me biased,
generally it's not in a good way. "
- Stu
"Corey Stinson. Yeah, I never voted for him anywhere else, but nobody can
deny his contribution to the GI Joe online community through participation,
keeping smalljoes.com running, and being just a nice guy."
- Sidewinder
"Gottago with my buddy CabanaJack. He always makes an effort
to personally meet up with other Joe fans on his travels, makes
reliable & good (even generous) trades,and he keeps the mailing
list from getting boring. Ive met him lots of times in person and
hes even more fun in real life as he is online (just be sure to
buckle up tight when he's driving)."
- Lady K
"CJack. again, free dinner=lots of points!"
- SeaN
"its gotta be Beav of joecustoms.com for taking the old Bivouac.com and
turning it back into a great customs site! "
- Daniel Alexander
BARONESS : Congratulations on a great year, Beav ! Now, normally,
the winner of this award would ALSO get an extra prize, but since Beav
already won a gift certificate, the prize will go to the runner up (who's
also the runner up in the most helpful fan race) : John Missal !
ANNOUNCER : John also recieves a 50$ gift certificate, this time
curtosy of 375 TOYS ! You'll also be contacted, and a big thanks go
out to 375 toys, for their generous contribution !
BARONESS : Well, that's all from the fandom category ! But that
doesn't mean it's the end ! Bye dahlings !
The Baroness exits the stage, while Stretcher and Doc pick up Shipwreck
and drag him off. Cobra Commander and Hawk return !
HAWK : All the awards have been handed out !
CC : But we still have one section to go !
HAWK : That's right ! Up next you, the fans can give out your own awards !
CC : So without further ado, here's the FLAGGS Free-For-All !
The 2003 FLAGGS Free-For-All !
-----------------------------------------------
Sidewinder
*************
What character would you like to see die most?
Dr. Mindbender.
What figure never made more than once would you most like to see
get a second version?
Heavy Metal
What's your favorite cartoon opening sequence? (movie excluded)
The MASS Device opening
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deadshot
************
- a printed certificate saying you're the best
- a crmson hiss
- how about one of those flaggs:)
(I said awards, not prizes -ed) : )
------------------------------------------------------------------
Takedown
*************
The Best Custom Ever award
-Pushbroom Thomas Wheeler
The Funniest Part in a Cartoon Award
Firefly: Die, Fireman!
Barbecue: Uh oh (with Boston accent)
(Skeletons in the Closet)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Jon S
********
Best Website involving cats: Zed's G.I Joe Website
Best New Dio-Story website: Bandalero's Dio-Stories
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Timmer
*********
Yeah, this year, I'm here too. Cause I just can't get enough of creating
awards. : )
The "Maybe I should hire'em" award for funniest ballot sent in goes to
Diana M ! Wish I could use more of those comments, but then the
show would be twice as long !
The "Stalker, not the Joe one" award for most obsessive ballot sent in
goes to Diana M ! Again ! Apparently, she likes Duke..... A lot.
The "Editor foaming at the mouth, part one" award for most annoying
ballot send in goes to David Riddle, for deleting all questions he
didn't answer. Even though I asked specifically not to do this, as it
makes counting the votes a helluvalot more difficult.
The "Editor foaming at the mouth, part two" award goes to Destro,
for having no less than 3 figures this year,all repaints of eachother;
with almost nobody bothering to differentiate between the three when voting.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sentimental Zombie
************************
The My-figure-is-great-and-my-gimmick-isn't-that-stupid-but-
everyone-hates-me-award :
Crystal Ball
The Someone-loves-George-Romero-at-Hasbro-but-no-collector-
does-award :
Toxo-Viper
The I-have-a-scary-mask-despite-my-being-not-so-naughty-award :
Destro V9
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BATDAN
***********
Worst board --Google usenet
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
STU
******
1. Best New Exclusive
Bats Packs
2. Favorite New Character (any media)
Neo Viper
3. Favorite New Army Builder
Wave 4 Bats
4. Favorite new head sculpt
Wet Suit
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTPICARD
****************
Most Overlooked customs in Norfolk:
Chad & Matthew's customs. It seemed to me that the judges were biased
toward the 12" line, because even the 3 3/4" customs that won were mostly
based on 12" figures. These guys produced excellent stuff take a look:
http://loserville.us/gijoe/
Dentist award: Big Ben v5. I would have made him the worst repaint of the
year, but Dusty v5 wanted that spot so badly. Every time I look at this Big
Ben, the color of his coat makes me think of Crest toothpaste. I don't know
whether he should be fighting Vipers or fighting cavities.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ZEDHATCH
***************
Best short diostory of the year :
- Catch a slippery Eel by Bandalero
Funniest diostory of the year
- Clutch's Hanuka special - Jon of GIJoe Canada
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MARIJN (Toystorerecords)
********************************
Best source for gijoes :
EBAY.COM
----------------------------------------------------------------
JOHN M.
***********
Best Comic Book Moment of the year -- Roadblock encountering
Heavy Duty for the first time in #11. "Who are you supposed to be?
My replacement?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DZIRHAN
************
Honourable Discharge and Special Recognition Award Eugene Son
who retired from active duty at Yojoe.com Thanks for all the work
and effort that kept RAH alive during the inactive duty years
Lifetime Achievement Award Larry Hama for all his contributions to
RAH in various forms
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ANN G.
**********
Best chat - gijoehq.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CABANAJACK
*******************
-Fan with hottest wife - Joystick
-Best fan to have a drink with - Scott George
-Best fan to go shopping with or go shopping for you - Tim Frankovich
-Fan I'd least like to meet in a dark alley - Tie - Timmer and Mickey
-Famous person most want to see made into a GI Joe character -
-Dr. Ruth (she was an Israeli Sniper dontchaknow)
-Most obnoxious fan (any forum) - Cabana Jack
-What Ever Happened To? MIA fan award - Warflight
-Person within the Joe fandom I'd most like to meet in person/have
a drink with - John Missal
-Fan I'd most like to meet in a dark alley after a few drinks - Mickey *SLAP*
-Cabanajack's Award for Host of the Year : L. H.
Second Place - John Padilla
-Smartass fan of the year - SeaN ! (If you don't like how I park paint
stripes on your lawn !)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DIANA M
************
Stupidest back story for a ninja.- Firefly
Best Cartoon Incidental Music-That country hick music they play all the time
Favorite Cold Slither Outfit.- Ripper
Joe/Cobra most likely to bite the bullet.
-Joe = Mainframe
-Cobra = Road Pig (well, one can dream, can't one?)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HAWK : That's it ! The end of the last section !
COBRA COMMANDER : Phew.... Quite a marathon !
HAWK : I guess all that's left is to congratulate all the winners....
CC : And to thanks all the hosts, contributers and sponsors.
HAWK : And, most importantly, let's have a big round of applause
for all the people who voted ! We couldn't do this without you !
CC : Well, we COULD, but it would look stupid.
HAWK : More stupid, you mean.
CC : Good point.... See you next year, everybody !
HAWK : Yo joe !!!
ANNOUNCER : ROLL CREDITS !
To the men and women of the armed forces, this work is respectfully
dedicated.
Created by Tim Timmermans
Vague cartoon vote-answers clarified by David Thornton
Vague comic vote-answers clarified by James McFadden
Prizes provided by Smalljoes.com and 375toys. (formerly yojoe store)
No duck-billed platypi were harmed during the making of this show.
Editor : Tim Timmermans
Obscene amount of misspellings : Tim Timmermans
Caterer : La Barraca (mostly beer)
Inspiration thanks to Robert Jung, Toyfare and Kevin Smith
No parts of this work may be reproduced without giving proper
credit, and asking first would be nice too.
GIJoe, Cobra and related things are trademarks of Hasbro. All
others trademarks of their respective owners. These have been
used for satire and research, so don't sue. Please ? Pretty Please ?
|
