Chapter 8 : Pantsparty !


In the Pantscave.....

Shortsboy : Commendable Costumes, Pantsman ! What a great
turnout !

Pantsman : Yes, old chum, quite nice....

Shipwreck (as a pirate) : Hey guys, it's BYOB, right ?

Pantsman : Actually, we elected to serve delicious, refreshing
yojoe col.....

Shipwreck : Great, great.... Clutch ! Bring in the kegs !

Clutch (in a bedsheet) : TOGA ! TOGA ! KEGGER ! KEGGER !

Pantsman : But it's not a toga par.....

Shipwreck : EVERYBODY ! Beer's here ! Belgian beer !

All : JAY !

More and more Joes arrive, and within an hour, the party is in full swing.

Mainframe (in sailor moon outfit) : I'm telling you, Wetsuit, you should
have seen the webpage, javascript, streaming video, and the
embedded code was just......

Wetsuit (as Leatherneck) : Does anybody wanna trade places ?

Lifeline (as Ghandi) : Sho I shez to him, " Lishten you (BLEEP) , I'll
rip your (BLEE-EEP) head off and (BLEEP) in your (BLEEP)"

Flash (as The Flash) : Whoa, buddy, don't you think you've had enough ?

Lifeline : Whaat ? You wanna pieche of me ?

Clutch (as Speed Racer) : Sho common Shcarlett, waddayashay ?

Cover Girl (as Xena ) : For the last time, I'm Covergirl, and STOP IT.

Hawk (as Patton) : Listen up, folks ! I'm glad to see everybody is
enjoying themselves ! Just a few points.
One : Let's not forget those who couldn't be here, because of guard
duty..... Shipwreck assured me the lucky draw was fair.
Two : For the *seven* of you who thought it would be funny to dress up
as Cobra Commander, you've all got latrine duty for the next month.
As soon as I figure out who you are.....
Three : Sci-Fi, six cardboard boxes do not make an Optimus Prime costume.
And four : Somebody PLEASE pick up Shipwreck before he drowns
in his own vomit. That's all.

Airtight (as He-Man (don't ask) ) : Shipwreck's breath constitutes a whole
new kind of poison gas.....

Sci-Fi (sobbing in a corner) : But my mom said I looked cool.....

Mainframe : Looks like almost everybody is here.... Quite nice.

Leatherneck (as Wetsuit) : Yeah, but where's Scarlett ?

Wetsuit : I think she went outside with Duke..... Or Snake-Eyes, I can't
remember.....

Beach Head (as himself) : I can't believe this.... Cobra could launch a
surprise attack any time and we'd......

Suddenly, Beach Head gets droused in beer by Gung Ho .

Gung Ho (as a ho) : Lighten up, buddy, all work and no play makes Joe
a dull boy.....

Beach Head : WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE PLAYING AT ? I OUGHTTA.....
Uhm.... WHY in the name of all that's pure are you wearing THAT costume ?

Gung Ho : It's a name pun, don't blame me, blame the writer.... Oh, and I
wouldn't go near Skidmark if I were you.....


Chapter 9 : Pantsparty - The Aftermath
-----------------------------------------------------

In the Joe HQ war room, several Joes are discussing last night's
party in the Pantscave....

Duke : What in the name of all that's holy was I drinking last night ?

Doc : Whatever it was, it's nearly toxic..... There were plenty of samples,
albeit regurgitated ones, for me to study on the toilets' floors.....

Duke : Did Hawk ever figure out who has latrine duty now ?

Beach Head : Well, he couldn't figure out who all came dressed as
Cobra Commander, so he assigned Clutch and Shipwreck, they
brought the booze in, they can take it out......

Lifeline (sporting bruises and a black eye) : Shoot me, just shoot me
now..... My body is ablaze with agony......

Duke : Your own fault for telling Sgt. Slaughter your grandmother could
outwrestle him.....

Doc : Yeah, what got into you, anyway ?

Lifeline : I don't handle alcohol well.....

Suddenly, Hawk walks in, still in costume.....

Doc : General, didn't you have time to change yet ?

Hawk : When ? I managed to get to my office last night......

Doc (whispering to Duke) : Heh, me and Stretcher had to carry him.

Hawk : And the next thing I know, I'm woken up by a soldier, emptying my
mailbox on my desk......

Duke : How unfortunate......

Hawk : And do you know WHAT was in that mailbox ?

Duke : Playtrooper ?

Hawk : Complaints.... Lots and lots of complaints...... Let me read you
a selection......
One : Three Joes were nowhere to be found this morning, they are still
missing, presumed hung over.....
Two : Mainframe and Dialtone snuck into the communications room, and
made some prank calls, as a result, the US armed forces are at defcon 2,
we are now at war with San Marino, and everybody at West Point is
looking for our requisitioned grey poupon......
Three : Eight Joes are missing their pants when they checked their
lockers this morning...... I think we all know where those ended up.....
Four : I have to see about courtmarshalling Shipwreck for four counts
of sexual harrassment, complaints were filed by Cover Girl, Lady Jaye,
Jinx and Mainframe..... I told him that costume was a mistake.....
And Five : If I find the %$%ing %$$ who urinated against my desk, I'll
arrange for a one-man mission to Cobra Island......

Duke : Wow..... Some party......

Hawk : Let us never speak of it again.....

Just then, Pantsman and Shortsboy burst into the war room.

Shortsboy : Fabulous festivities, General ! what a night !

Pantsman : Yes, good General, even if some of the lads got a bit
rowdy last night, a good time was had by all !

Hawk : If you say so......

Pantsman : So we've arranged for this to be a monthly
thing !

Hawk sits down at this point, looking very pale......

Hawk : Duke.... Get me my gun......

Chapter 10 - Cleanup Crew



The following morning, in GIJOE HQ, life seems to
be getting back to normal... We find some Joes in
the rec room.

Dusty : ....Really, Snow Job, you have no idea how
lonely it gets.... I mean, you have a full contigent of
arctic Joes, but how many desert specialist do you see?

Snow Job : Well, there's.... uhm..... And then there's.....uhhhh.....

Dusty : SEE ?

Snow Job : what about Duke and Flint ? they have desert
figure..... errrr I mean desert training and uniforms !

Dusty : Oh yeah, and they are just ALWAYS going on missions
with me, aren't they ?

Snow Job : Well, you have to understand , those guys have to
spend loads of time in the war room with Hawk, always trying
to stay one step ahead of Cobra, always planning, working....
It's a hard Job.

Meanwhile, in the war room.....

Duke : Strike Force three and five in position

Flint : Defense group three responding, defense strength five

Hawk : Now roll for initiative....

Duke : Dammit, your Orc army destroyed my Mistic Knights.....

And back to the rec room....

Dusty : Sure, whatever.....

Col. Courage (over the intercom) : Listen up troops, it's that time
of the year again, where I make my cameo appearance. You're
all ordered to clean up the base, and don't forget to clean out
your lockers..... We all remember the near-outbreak of Ebola
last year when we found that old Gumbo in Gung-Ho's locker......

Gung Ho : It wasn't that bad.....

Dusty : Oh come on, they're basing "Outbreak 2" on it, Dustin
Hoffman loved the script.....

Snow Job : Come on, guys, we'd better get started......

With that, all Joes on duty, with the exception of Hawk, Duke and
Flint, who are still locked in a strategy meeting, begin the
daunting task of cleaning up the base....

Blowtorch : Shouldn't we get Tracker and Bazooka ? there's no
reason they should be exempt from this......

Freefall : Couldn't agree more...... To.... The PANTSCAVE !

Blowtorch : Don't you start.....

Outside Pantsman not-so-secret hideout.....

Freefall : So you see, you guys better do your part too !

Pantsman : Fear not, good citizen, permit us a moment to get
our special costumes, and we'll join you !

Shortsboy : Collosal cleanup, Pantsman ! the base will shine !

Freefall : Costumes ?

Two minutes later, Pantsman and Shortboy leave the Pantscave,
wearing blue aprons (over their uniforms, you perverts)

Pantsman : Now let's start cleaning broadway style !

Pantsman and shortsboy brak out the mop and bucket, and
move like a hurricane through the base, singing !

Pantsman (to the tune of "Limbo Rock") : Let's do a clean up job,

Shortboy : All I nee-eed is this mop.

Pantsman : Gen'ral Hawk's gonna be glad,

Shortboy : Cause dirt makes him kinda sad.

Pantsman : Even the toilet's gonna shine,

Shortsboy : You'll find no more trace of grime.

Pantsman : Spotless floors is what we need,

Shortsboy : Ouch ! Scrubbing makes my fingers bleed......

Freefall : Blowtorch, it was your idea to make the help,
right ?

Blowtorch : Uhm..... yes.

Freefall : I'm giving you a five-second head start... you'd better
use it.

Pantsman : Well, that seems to have taken care of that.

Beach Head : Not so fast, you still have to clean out your locker.

Beach Head points to a locker marked "Tracker"

Pantsman : I'm sorry, good citizen, but my locker is in our secret
headquarters.

Beah Head : YOU......

Wetsuit : Relax, Beach Head, haven't you learned how to deal with
these bozo's yet ? Pantsman, this is the locker reserved for your
sectret alter ego.....

Pantsman : Allright then..... I'll..... CLEAN IT !



Chapter 11 : The Ultimate Weapon


Last time, as you could read no more than 2.5 seconds ago,
Pantsman was about to clean out his old Tracker locker.....

Pantsman : There doesn't seem to be anything of real interest
here.... Some magazines, an "Alf" doll, some carded 1983
Star wars figures... Bah, in the trashcan they go.....

Shortsboy : Wonderfull wasteproducts, Pantsman, quite right !

Pantsman : Some pogs, and.... WHAT'S THIS ??

Pantsman pulls out a large, orange paddle.

Pantsman : OFF COURSE !

Shortsboy : Collosal confusion, Pantsman, what is it ?

Pantsman : Don't you see ? The thing that has been missing
from our crimefighting activities.... This will turn the tide and
grant us victory over the forces of the Cobra !

Shortsboy : What do you mean ?

Pantsman : My personalized, ultimate weapon ! THE PADDLE
OF DOOM !

Shortsboy (in awe) : Wonderfull weapon, Pantsman ! Now none
will be able to oppose you !

Beach Head : Oh brother......

Wetsuit : Uhm..... How is that even supposed to work ?

Pantsman : Permit me to give you a small, harmless yet quite
effective demonstration......

Pantsman takes a swing and hits Beach Head square in the
face unexpectedly (for Beach Head anyway)

Pantsman : See ? An opponent is rendered harmless instantly,
with minimal damage.

Wetsuit : Beach Head might have a different opinion as to what
"minimal damage" means exactly.....

Pantsman : Perhaps you're right....

Wetsuit : Might I suggest you guys return to the Pantscave, before
he regains consiousness ?

Pantsman : A worthy idea ! Good day to you, citizen !

Pantsman and Shortboy make their retreat, rather hastely, as
Beach Head comes around......

Beach Head : What.... What happened ?

Wetsuit : I think you just had a dizzy spell.....

Beach Head : Yeah..maybe.... No, wait a minute.....

Wetsuit : I just remembered, I left the kettle on... Bye !