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The 2001 FLAGGS

A Joe Oddessy

We start off with a shot of the moon, from behind it, from either side,
two white dots come toward us. We hear YO JOE! as the tune to the
second season opener begins.

- Cut to the terrordrome collapsing from the season two opening theme.

- Cut to a close-up of the cover of issue 21 of the comic, "silent interlude"

- Cut to 5 Skystrikers flying in formation, heading towards 5 Rattlers.

- Cut to a collage of MIP/MIB items from the 2001 Joe line

We cut back to the moon, both dots are coming towards us, become
larger and assume a familiar shape.

- Cut to the Yojoe.com homepage, the bivoauc, Warflight's dio tips page,
TimElf's Iconoclasts page, General Hawks page and the Pit page in two-
second intervals

- Cut to a collage of Joe art from Joe Harris.

- Cut to the cover of the first issue of the new Joe comic

- Cut to a diorama of 5 FLAGGs, carrying 10 Skystrikers

The dots are now clearly revealed as being the Defiant and Crusader
shuttles, both racing towards earth. Then, both open their cargo doors
and launch what appear to be one ICBM each from them.

Both missiles head towards Earth, but veer off and are seen heading above
the earth. At this point, they collide with eachother. In the red and yellow
explosion, we see text forming :

THE 2001

Then, the text explodes. we follow one of the sparks from the explosion
as it falls to Earth. During its fall, it turns into a small meteorite.
We see it fall towards southern California, through some clouds untill it
reaches a rather large parking lot, filled with HISS tanks, Maulers, AWE-
Strikers and ordinary cars. The meteorite hits a Ninja Lightning vehicle,
wich promptly explodes.

We pan to the building next to the parking lot, a rather fancy and large
structure, until we come to the main entrance. An Iron Grenadier and an
MP, not unlike Law, open the doors.

Inside, we see a large room, not unlike you'd find at the Oscars. The
audience is packed with Joes, Cobra troops and fans. The podium is
obscured because of a rather huge curtain.

The curtain opens up. We see two flights of illuminated stairs at
the rear end of the podium, with between them, a flagg that has the GIJOE
logo on it, with behind it the red Cobra logo. Below the logos, the text :
"The 2001 FLAGGS - A Joe Oddesy" is written .

All of a sudden, the theme from the muppet show starts playing.

We see a bunch of Crimson Guards come on stage from the left,
single file. They start singing.....

CGs : It's time to read the comics,
CGs : It's time to show the toons,
CGs : It's time to play with toys on the FLAGGS show tonight !

A bunch of nameless greenshirts from the toon come on stage from
the right, also singing

GSs : It's time to see who wins stuff,
GSs : It's time to mock ninjas,
GSs : It's time to give out prizes on the FLAGGS show tonight !

Crystal Ball and the Fridge are sitting on a balcony

Crystal Ball : Why do we always come here,
Fridge : I guess we'll never know,
Crystal Ball : Nobody really likes us,
Both : But we still enjoy the show !

CGs and GSs : And now let's show the ho-ost
Audience : Why don't you show the ho-ost
CGs and GSs : It's time to show the ho-ost,
CGs and GSs : on the most sensational, inspirational, joeytational, Cobratational,
CGs and GSs : This is what we call the FLA-AGGS SHOOOOOOW !!!!

On that cue, the Crimson Guards and greenshirts dance their way off stage.

ANNOUNCER : Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, welcome to
the second annual FLAGGS awards show, with you special host : COBRA

Cobra Commander comes down the left flight of stairs. "Cold Slither" is
heard, followed by applause.

CC : Yesssss... Welcome fans, Joe team members, Cobra agents and
bums we picked up from the street to fill seats ! First of all a big thanks
to the Springfield Marching Band and the Fort Wadsworth Chaplain
Assistant's motor pool glee club for that wonderfull opening number !

A short applause follows.

CC : Now, some of you might be wondering why I'm hosting the show AGAIN
this year..... Well, I have a short written statement from Timmer .

The Commander takes out a small piece of paper.

CC : Ahem.... Timmer wrote : " After the crap I went through last year, I'm
not about to get within ten miles of this show.... Tell snakeface he can
host it....." So you see, I had little choice but to step in.....

ANNOUNCER : Was it a bribe or blackmail this time ?

CC : What did you say ?

ANNOUNCER : Nothing.... But I have a surprise for you..... Ladies
and gentlemen, we are proud to present the CO-HOST for this
evening : General Hawk !!!


Hawk comes down the right flight of stairs, the opening tune from the
first season's toon is heard. A roaring applause follows.

HAWK : Hello troops, fans, Cobra.....uhm.... friends....

CC : What are YOU doing here ?

HAWK : You really think Timmer was going to let you go solo again ?

CC : Uhm.. Yessss ?

HAWK : Guess again, besides, this way, I won't end up covered in
mashed potatoe again.....

CC : You just wait.....

HAWK : Anyway, what a Joe year it has been, huh ?

CC : You can say that again, a bunch of reissues, a new comic,
and a full-blown relaunch next year !

HAWK : Not to mention new online stores, dio stories, artwork and
webpages, all devoted to GIJOE !

CC : And Cobra ! Don't forget the most important part !

HAWK : We'll see about THAT later. Anyway, let's get on with it !

CC : Fine.... Here are all the people who voted this year !

A giant screen descends from above, and flickers to life.....

Dan Carber
John "AngryJohnny" M.
Earl Shelley
Phillip Donnely
Joe Tages
Serpentor (Cobraemperor@cobracommand.net)
Mike T
Diana M
Dillon Lee
Tung (Tunnelrat)
David Portales
Paul Jacoby
Josh (The Wildman)
Troy X
General Hawk
GI Jane
Robert Culpepper
Alec Trevelyan
Mike Senger
Marijn Willems
Joe Harris
David thorton
Corey Stinson
Bullet (Shauna Forrister)
Lynx (Brittany Becker)
Tim Frankovich (TimElf)
Tommy Dye
Ian Macdowin
Timmer (yup, like before, I get to vote too....-editor)

HAWK : Wow, that's quite a few people more than last year.

CC : Yessss....43 people, not bad, not bad.

HAWK : Well, the voting forms were bigger and better this year !

CC : Howzabout just bigger ?

HAWK : You...... may have a point there.....

Crystal Ball (from balcony) : Will you guys get on with it ?

CC : Quiet you, or I'll make you sit next to Raptor.

HAWK : He's kinda right though.... I saw a few people dozing off.

CC : Fine..... Here are the hosts to present the awards in the
CARTOON category : Zarana and Mainframe !
"All you need is love" plays as Zarana and Mainframe come down
the stairs. Zarana has a rather annoyed look on her face, while
Mainframe looks embarrased. Applause follows.

MAINFRAME : Hi there, folks, I'm thrilled to be here !

ZARANA : You would be. You get to stand next to me. Me, I'm not
that thrilled.

MAINFRAME (whispering) : What ? did I forget a birthday or something ?

ZARANA : (Whispering) : You bleedin fool, we gotta keep the pretence up !

MAINFRAME : (Whipsering) : Oh, come on, not a lot of people know we
had a thing in the toon.

FRIDGE (from balcony) : SPEAK UP !

MAINFRAME :Ahem... Here comes the first award of the evening !

The "Should have gotten an Emmy" award for BEST EPISODE EVER !
(Editor's note, all entries are shown, with the number of votes they
got in front of them, then the winner)

1(vote) - Cobrathon
1 - Computer Complications
1 - Jungle Trap
1 - Red Rocket's Glare
1 - Countdown for Zartan
1 - Into your tent I silently creep
1 - Flint's Vacation
2 - Excalibur
2 - Once Upon A Joe
3 - The Viper is coming
3 - Cold Slither

7 - Sink The Montana

"umm...umm...Sink the Montana... of course, Grey Hairs and Growing Pains
DOES show Lady Jaye without her pants...no, no..Sink the Montana"
- Philip Donnely

"Sink the Montana: I loved the idea of a disgruntled US Naval
Captain joining Cobra to be Admiral of their Navy"
- BgDdyPhil

"" Cold Slither" Zartan and the Nok's are better rockers than that idiot
Vampire Lestat.. the ladies finally get to wear clothing besides their
uniforms, and Duke sheepishly admits he's out of touch. A little bit of
great characterization, and some jokes at Speilberg and Lucas's expense.
What could be better?"
- Diana M ( "Sink The Montana, apparantly -editor)

""Into Your Tent I Silently Creep" because just the very idea of
>Cross-Country fighting Stormshadow is so absurd that it's fun! "
- The Wildman Josh

"Zartan in a corset ! WOOHOO!!!"
- Lynx (on "Cold Slither" -ed)

And from the "I..... Can't...Pick...Just.....One......" pile :

"Okay, I'm going to skip all the impossible to answer questions. I'm a raving fanboy, they're all the best..."
- Jaegan

MAINFRAME : And Sink The Montana wins it !

ZARANA : Well, it WAS a very powerful episode.

MAINFRAME : "A sad end for a great lady".... *sniff*

ZARANA : Wuss...... Anyway, here's the award no-one votes for....

The "There was a ?" award for best DiC episode ever !

1 - Revenge of the Pharaos
1 - Night Of The Creepers
1 - Chunnel
1 - The one with Metal Head's mother, Pathfinder parachutes
1 - Escape From Alcatraz

2 - The Greatest Evil

(Dis) Honorable mention : There wasn't one/ there was a best ep ? - 20 votes

"There was a best Dic Ep ?"
- Too many people to list

ZARANA : Well...... That was overwhelming.....

MAINFRAME : Guess "The Greatest Evil" wins almost by default.

ANNOUNCER : Ladies and gentlemen, the FLAGGS commitee is
proud to announce that this award will be retired after this year.

CRYSTAL BALL (From Balcony) : About time !

MAINFRAME : Lety's put all this negativity behind us with the next......
oh dear.....

The "Writers on some FINE crack" award for worst single Sunbow episode !

1 - Cobra's Fun House
1 - The Million Dollar Medic
1 - Cold Slither
1 - Skeletons In The Closet
1 - Not A Ghost Of A Chance
1 - Once Upon A Joe
1 - GIJOE And The Golden Flees
2 - The Spy Who Rooked me
2 - Iceberg Goes South
2 - Grey Hairs And Growing Pains
2 - Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep
2 - Rocket's Red Glare

3 - Bazooka Saw A Sea Serpent

"Old Soldiers Never Die (Sgt. Savage video, hey it's technically G.I. Joe:
- Phillip Donnely (Judges Rule : Not allowed : ) -ed)

""Ghost of a chance" or whatever. "What you thought you saw, wasn't what
you saw.." *Makes "L" sign on forehead. I certainly hope so, because what
I THOUGHT I saw was something real stupid. And who the Hell has
"Wallpapering parties" in college? Woo hoo, lets get up that wall paper! Heck,
sure beats legalized stimulant parties!"
- Diana M

""In to your Tent I will Silently Creep". All out Cross Country
action...yeah. If I have to suffer Cross Country, I at least want to see
him at top a HAVOC, bashing STUNS to scrap!"
- Dillon Lee

"Bazooka Saw a Sea Serpent still holds it's own. A moron handling a
powerful hand cannon in a special operations
force just doesn't work for me! "
- General Hawk

""cold slither" great, now that song is stuck in my head"
- Mike Senger (We're Cold Slither, you'll be joining us soon. Now
you have it stuck again ! -ed)

ZARANA : Oh yes, Bazooka, GIJOE's Answer to Homer Simpson.

MAINFRAME : Oh, Like the Dreadnocks are MENSA members....

ZARANA : Point taken......

The "I just waisted 25 minutes of my life" award for WORST EPISODE EVER !

1 - The Spy Who Rooked Me
1 - DiC ep With evil Computer
1 - El Dorado (DiC)
1 - Cold Slither
1 - Skeletons In The Closet
1 - The Nozone Conspiracy (????-ed)
1 - Chunnel
2 - Infested Island (DiC)

4 - Kindergarten Commandoes

(Dis) Honorable mention - Anything by DiC - 5 votes

ZARANA : DiC, not surprisingly, takes the award by a landslide. And
Kindergarten Commandoes takes the award two years in a row !

MAINFRAME : Wasn't that the one where Cobra takes over a
kindergarten, and get's beaten by toddlers ?

ZARANA : Oh, shut up.

MAINFRAME : Well, we've laughed at the worst, not let's praise the best !

The "Mini-mini series" award for BEST TWOPARTER !

3 - The Synthoid Conspiracy
4 - There's No Place Like Springfield
6 - The Traitor

9 - Worlds Without End

"A tie between "Synthoid Conspiracy" and "Worlds Without End"
- Diana M (Like Last year, whenever somebody gives multiple
answers, I pick the first one or the tie-breaker -ed)

"The Traitor without a doubt. It gave Dusty a GREAT personality, Cobra was
downright menacing and it was a captive 2-parter. It held my interest better than
any 'toon I can remember."
- General Hawk

"Wasn't Worlds Without End a two parter.... I didn't like that one, but i don't remember any others...."
- An anonymous comment by Warflight

" Haven't seen any... Dude, someone has to send us some episodes!"
Bullet and Lynx (Anybody wanna take the hint ? -ed)

MAINFRAME : Once again same winner as last year !

ZARANA : This time, "The Traitor" put up a fight though !

MAINFRAME : Keeps it interesting, I guess.

The "OK, so now I wasted 50 minutes of my life" award for worst two-parter !

1 - There's No Place Like Springfield
1 - The greatest Evil (DiC)
1 - Happy Birthday, Rock 'n Roll (DiC)
2 - Victory at Volcania
2 - The Synthoid Conspiracy
3 - Worlds Without End

4 - Captives of Cobra

"WORLDS W/O END!!! I cried & cried!!!"
- Paul Jacoby (those skeletons weren't dead.... Just sleeping..yeah. -ed)

"Tough call...all two-parters were generally very well done and thought out.
I would say probably Captives of Cobra. There was some good insight into
the Joes' families, but something about Spirit's 75 year old relatives
shooting Rattlers out of the sky just rubs me the wrong way."
- General Hawk

"- Worlds Without End!!! Didn't they wake up, and find it was all a dream, but now they were in a HELL universe run by DiC?"
- Warflight

"Worlds Without End. I'm sure I'm the only vote for this one again"
- Joystick (You'd be quite surprised -ed)

ZARANA : It came down to the LAST BALLOT COUNTED, folks !

MAINFRAME : Yeah, and what an upset it would have been, WWE
winning both best and worst two-parter.

ZARANA : It's that Joystick boy..... He inspired the revolt !

MAINFRAME : Now we bring out the big guns !

The "Good enough to be a movie" award for BEST MINISERIES !

1 - GIJoe - The Movie
1 - Operation Dragonfire
4 - The Pyramid of Darkness
6 - Revenge Of Cobra
8 - Arise, Serpentor, Arise

10 - The MASS Device

MAINFRAME : The first is STILL the best, two years running !

ZARANA : It didn't get the landslide it did last year though.

MAINFRAME : Well, we praised them, now let's tear them apart !

The "Should have been an Alan Smitthee movie" award for WORST miniseries.

1 - The MASS Device
1 - Revenge Of Cobra
2 - GIJoe The Movie
3 - Arise, Serpentor, Arise
5 - Piramid of Darkness

8 - Operation Dragonfire

"I liked them all to much to consider on worse, but if
I had to pick it would be G.I. Joe II, based soley on
the fact that I dont remember much about it, even
after reading the summary."
- Earl Shelley (Obscured to death...Ouch -ed)

""Arise Serpentor, Arise" First off, it sounds like either a Porno, or a
breakfast cereal. Second, I can't get over anyone thinking Sgt. Slaughter
is a great military mind."
- Diana M

"The WORST mini series would have to be one of my favorites.... Fatal Fluffies! You could see where it was just BAD writing, but loved it anyway.... (hmmm... anyone got that one on tape somewhere?)"
- Warflight (Uhm... Anybody know if he voted for it or not ? -ed)

"Pyramid of Darkness (Fatal Fluffies - need I say more?)"
- Jaegan

ZARANA : No you don't.....

MAINFRAME : Killer teddybears ?

ZARANA : And it would have won too, if it wasn't for DiC !

MAINFRAME : Now we get down to the characters !

The "It's just like I always imagined him/her" award for best characterization !

1 - Doc
1 - Roadblock
1 - Tomax & Xamot
1 - Serpentor
1 - Spirit
1 - Horrorshow
1 - Wetsuit
1 - Sci-Fi
1 - Cobra Commander
1 - Storm Shadow
1 - Snake Eyes
2 - Flint
2 - Sgt. Slaughter
2 - Zartan
4 - Destro
5 - Duke

8 - Shipwreck

"Doc's asbestos underwear."
- John M (Here we go again ! -ed)

"Snake-Eyes: silent character, how could you mess it up?"
- Phillip Donnely

"-Shipwreck. IMO, There is no comparison to the Toon Shipwreck in such
classics as "There's no Place Like Springfield" and of Course, "The Revenge
of Cobra"."
- Dillon Lee

"Shipwreck was the most developed character in G.I.Joe because we've seen
him as a very humorous goofball, a leader, someone tortured over the lost
of his family, a womanizer who falls in love with someone he can never be
with, a rough and tough sailor who is a pushover around kids and a Joe who
always has a smart ass remark for his own commanders and Cobra's!"
- David thorton ( Essay writer and toon connaisseur -ed)

ZARANA : Oy.... This thing is gonna take forever this way, isn't it ?

MAINFRAME : Hey, it's all fun ! And congrats to my buddy, Shipwreck !

ZARANA : Where is he, anyway ?

MAINFRAME : Passed out in the bar, he managed to get a look at the
results before the show started, and wanted to.....celebrate.

ZARANA : I......See......

The "Jar Jar" award for worst characterization in the toon !

1 - Lifeline
1 - Duke
1 - Wetsuit
1 - Footloose
1 - Roadblock
1 - Scarlett
1 - Tollbooth
1 - Mr. C
1 - Falcon
1 - Falcon (DiC)
1 - Flint (DiC)
2 - Deep Six
3 - Serpentor
3 - Chuckles
5 - Snake Eyes

8 - Cobra Commander

"Snake Eyes. Of course, when you got a member of the team who cant speak on a medium where speech is incredibly important, you cant really do too much with him without him being another Lassie. "Whats that boy? Cobras coming?" "
- Dan Carber

"Scarlett (too much hanging on Duke and acting like an airhead.)"
- Jaegan

"Flint from DiC. He's a Texan??"
- Phillip Donnely

"Freaking Chuckles. How do you take a CID Undercover expert and make
him MUTE!?! It was a good way to save a few bucks on voice actors, but
c'mon choose another character!"
- Dillon Lee

"Snake-Eyes,he was nothing but a doormat! "
- Kenny D

"Cobra Commander. His constant whining and crying and screwing up made
him about as threatening to world domination as a group of Girl Scouts."
- General Hawk

ZARANA : Oh no.....

MAINFRAME : What's the matter ?

ZARANA : He's gonna be impossible to be around now..... That's
two years in a row he's won this award......

MAINFRAME : And with twice as many votes !

CC (Running onstage) : TREACHERY MOST FOUL !!!!


Zarana and Mainframe give Cobra Commander a stare.

CC : Oh, shut up. (goes offstage to sulk)

The "Snake Eyes" award for best character voice !

1 - Golobulus
1 - Taurus
1 - Bazooka
1 - Baroness
1 - Wild Bill
1 - RoadBlock
1 - Beach Head
2 - Shipwreck
2 - Storm Shadow
2 - Flint
8 - Destro

12 - Cobra Commander

"Shipwreck. You gotta love that Jack Nicholson take."
- Dan Carber

"Cris Latta's Cobra Commander tied with Mike Bell's anything"
- Diana M

"Bullet: CC.
Lynx: Oh yeah, hands down! Love that Star Scream voice.
Bullet: I keep telling ya, it's just CC in the
cockpit of Star Scream, controlling him!
Lynx: Oh yeah? Then when Star Scream gets blown all
too smithereens in 2005, why is it Star Scream's ghost
with Star Scream's voice that keeps haunting them?
Bullet: He's just really good at ventriloquism...
Lynx: How, through astral projection? And how does
he get his body to make his cameo? Thats way too
competant for the character!
Bullet: Ah, he knows mauch Kung fu... (I'm just
making this up, you do realise...)"
- Bullet And Linx (Using the ballot as a chatroom, for some reason -ed)

ZARANA : Phew.....

MAINFRAME : It was close there for a while, CC and Destro both
going strong, but CC pulled it off !

ZARANA : This should be....

Zarana is interrupted as Cobra Commander once again comes onstage.

CC : Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I have prepared a few words....

ANNOUNCER : What are you doing ?

CC : Accepting my award off courssse !

ANNOUNCER : We don't give out statues or anything, you know.

CC : WHAT ???

ANNOUNCER : Some winners get a graphic for their website, but
fictional characters just get recognision.

CC : This is an OUTRAGE ! Just because we're fictional doesn't mean
we don't have feelings !

ANNOUNCER : Too bad. Let the hosts get on with it already !

CC : Fine... *sob*

The "Urkle" award for worst character voice !

1 - Zartan
1 - Bazooka
1 - Thunder
1 - Sgt. Slaughter
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Duke
1 - Quick Kick
1 - Barbeque
1 - Dialtone
1 - Clutch
1 - Polly
2 - Destro
2 - Lady Jaye
2 - Storm Shadow
2 - Big Lob
4 - Cobra Commander

5 - Snake Eyes

"Cant think of any that really annoyed me so Ill go
with sarcasmSnake Eyes."
- Earl Shelley (You're not alone -ed)

"Lady Jaye had a butch voice to match her butch look. Crows cawing
is more pleasant!"
- The Wildman Josh

"Thunder. Is he a muppet or something?"
- Diana M

"any supporting character from Sunbow or DiC, they all sound the same!"
- Phillip Donnely ( Oh come on, Greenshirt number 2 sounded nothing
like Cobra Officer number 3 in episode 16 ! -ed)

"Does Polly count?"
- Marvlostoy (Sure, why not .... -ed)

MAINFRAME : And the sarcastic portion of the fandom wins it !

ZARANA : Yeah, real cute.....

MAINFRAME : Hey, just proves that no one voice was universally
disliked !


1 - The Most Dangerous Thing
1 - Cold Slither
1 - Granny Dearest (DiC)
1 - Kindergarten Commandoes (DiC)
1 - The Great Alaskan Land Rush
1 - Revenge Of Cobra
1 - Grey Hairs And Growing Pains
1 - Cobrathon
2 - Twenty Questions
4 - The Viper Is Coming

11 - Once Upon A Joe

"Grey hairs and Growing Pains (double points for Lady Jaye growing out
of her pants ;)"
- Jaegan

""Once Upon A Joe" - This was a great story told by the master goof"
- Macdowin

MAINFRAME : Mini-Joes scaring Cobras.....

ZARANA : Not the highlight of my career.....

The "Guest director : Oliver Stone" award for most dramatic episode ever !

1 - GIJOE - The Movie
1 - the MASS Device
1 - There's No Place Like Springfield
1 - The Greatest Evil (Dic)
1 - Arise, Serpentor, Arise, part 5
1 - Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep (I'm getting sick of typing that -ed)
1 - The Phantom Mena..errr I mean Brigade (-ed)
1 - Not a Ghost of a Chance
1 - Eye for an Eye
2 - Sink The Montana
2 - The Traitor
2 - Mara has to go into the ocean

3 - Worlds Without End

"The one where Duke falls into a Coma.. wait that doesn't narrow it down
at all... "The Traitor". We are dealing with some tough issues in this one.
Treason, Espionage, Illness, Surgery, Comas. It shows tention within the
Joe ranks and personal conflict interfering with duty. A real winner for
the series."
- Dillon Lee

And from the "What Drama ? " pile :

"Melodramatic ? All of them."
- GIJane

"There was drama in the cartoon?"
- Bullet

MAINFRAME : Second award of the evening for WWE !

ZARANA : Wasn't a clear victory though. Everybody seems to
have a favorite.


The "I use it in casual conversation" award for best quote from the toon !

1 - "Now begins the thousand year rule of Cobra !" - Serpentor, "Arise...."
1 - "I'm glad I wore my asbestos underwear today" - Doc, "Revenge of Cobra"
1 - "If I want your opinion, i'll beat it out of you !" - Serpentor "???"
1 - "Yo Joe" - Various
1 - "Well the mirror part works fine Doc.... I need a shave" - Clutch "Revenge..."
1 - "This I command" - Serpentor (various eps)
1 - "I wish you were triplets so I could hit three of you !" -CC, to the twins
"Pyramid Of Darkness"
1 - "Stick your head in a bucket and rust your face of" - Gung Ho to CC "???"
1 - "COBRAAAA" - Various
1 - "Didn't you read my green sheets ? I'm a man of action" - Duke ,"MASS..."
1 - "Hey, who's gonna ride with me ?" "Get a date on your own time. This
ain't the tunnel of love !" - Shipwreck and Gung Ho , Revenge of Cobra
1 - "What in the name of Sam Hill ?!?" - Hawk, (no ep given)
1 - "Ain't no lie, I love to fly" - Stalker, "MASS....."
1 - "Frogs in Winter" - Polly, "there's no place like Springfield"
1 - "Morons ! I have Morons on my payroll ! " - CC "Eau De Cobra"
1 - "Your powers of observation are only exceeded by your good looks,
Destro! " - CC, "Cold Slither"
1 - "You venal mercenary! Your acting couldn't get you onto a soap
opera ! " - Baroness , "Cobra's Funhouse"
1 - "All hail Cobra Commander, the great snake rules forever !" - Polly
"Pyramid of Darkness"

""Morons! I have morons on my payroll!" " Cobra Commander in Eau de Cobra
(it succinctly states why Cobra will never win :)"
- David Thorton

MAINFRAME : And the winner is...... Uhm... Waitaminute.....

ZARANA : Two.... four.... eight..... We have an eightteen-way tie !

MAINFRAME : Time to bring in the judges !!!!

ANNOUNCER : And our panel of esteemed judges, to break any ties
on the FLAGGS this year are..... Colonel Courage, Zartan and Judge
Dredd !!!

MAINFRAME : What does Judge Dredd have to do with GIJoe ?

ANNOUNCER : Surprisingly little. *ruffles through papers* Ah, yes.
Dredd was played by Sylvester Stallone, and Stallone also played
Rocky, who almost became a member of the Joe team.

ZARANA : That has to be the weakest link ever.

ANNOUNCER : Thank you, Ann Robinson. Judges ?

ZARTAN : A tough call...... Especially since I didn't get quoted once.

COL. COURAGE : I Vote for the asbestos thing, since John Missal made
SUCH a huge deal about it last year.

DREDD : Fine with me.

MAINFRAME : So the winner is..... Doc and his Asbestos Underwear !

JOHN (from the audience) : It's.....beattiful. *cries*

ZARANA : Ahem..... Next ?

The "Blow the budget on one guy" award for actor you'd most want to
do a voice !

1 - Vingh Rames (as Heavy Duty)
1 - Harrison Ford (unspecified)
1 - Clint Eastwood (unspecified)
1 - George C. Scott (as Colonel Sharp)
1 - Iron Eyes Cody (as Spirit)
1 - Tung (as Tunnelrat)
1 - David Alan Grier (as Crazylegs)
1 - Ed Norton (as Sci-Fi)
1 - Mel gibson (Battle Corps Gen. Flag)
1 - Maurice LaMarche (as Destro)
1 - Arnold Swarche..... That Terminator guy, OK ? -ed (as Crystal Ball)
2 - James Earl Jones (as member of old action team, as Destro)
2 - Bruce Campbell (as Shipwreck)

5 - Sean Connery (as Destro)

"Arnold Schwarzeneggar, can't you just see him doing Crystal Ball??"
- Phillip Donnely

"Me as Tunnel Rat"
- Tung (You're an actor ???? : ) -ed)

MAINFRAME : The Sean wins it !

ZARANA : Destro will be pleased.

The "Like em better than some episodes" award for best opening/end credits !

1 - Season 2 (Joes attacking Terrordrome)
3 - Season 1 (Cobras flying fortress)
3 - Revenge Of Cobra
6 - MASS Device (original opener)

7 - The Movie

"GI Joe the Movie. To tell a family secret, I still get goosebumps when I
hear Duke yell YO JOE!"
- Dillon Lee

MAINFRAME : Weren't you topless in the movie ?

ZARANA : You wish.....

The "Should have gotten a figure, dammit !" award for best cartoon-only
character !

1 - Admiral Lattimer
1 - Big Lob (???-ed)
1 - Pythona
1 - Mara
5 - Hector Ramirez

7 - Sparks

"Mara. I wish we got to see more of her."
- Dan Carber (in what way exactly ? -ed)

"Admiral Lattimer. He was an honorable man that had gotten too attached
to his ship. He didn't want to work for Cobra, but Pride got in the way of
duty. He was the only toon-exclusive character that had real depth."
- Dillon Lee

"Hector Ramirez was a classic character second only to Sesame
Street's Guy Smiley! (they shoulda made a figure of him)"
- The wildman Josh (you frighten me..... -ed)

"Hector Ramirez --Gotta love a Geraldo Rivera knock off...."
- John M

MAINFRAME : That knock-off sure gave Sparks a run for his money.

ZARANA : Yes, but he was beaten in the final stretch !

MAINFRAME : Let's see who we get to dump on now !

The "No toy ? what a *pity*" award for worst cartoon-only character !

1 - The Viper (The Vindow Viper)
1 - Amber (Quick Kick's GF from "Lazers in the Night")
1 - Mr. C
1 - Mara
1 - Director from "Lights, Camera, Cobra"
1 - Greenshirts
2 - Hector Ramirez

7 - Big Lob

"Hector Ramirez --it is, after all, a Geraldo Rivera knock off...."
- John M (It's because of people like you that Geraldo knock-offs
dye their hair. -ed)

"Big Lob.. why didn't they just shoot him?"
- Diana M (It's against Cobra's cartoon policy to shoot anybody -ed)

ZARANA : Hey, cheap shot.

MAINFRAME : (gives her an "oh, come ON" look.)

ZARANA : Yeah, allright.....

MAINFRAME : And now, we come to the two last awards of our category !

ZARANA : And we're gonna go out with a bang !

The "Fred Flintstone" award for FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER !

1 - Storm Shadow
1 - Wetsuit
1 - Hawk
1 - Serpentor
1 - Lady Jaye
1 - Clutch
1 - Firefly
1 - Sci-Fi
1 - Zartan
2 - Cobra Commander
2 - Beachhead
3 - Flint
4 - Duke

7 - Shipwreck

"Shipwreck. You gotta love that Jack Nicholson voice, plus hes gotta be the smoothest slacker of them all."
- Dan Carber, Dillon also made the Nicholson ref.

"Rick Hunter from Robotech"
- Tung (For some reason, that doesn't count -ed)

"Didn't you just ask this in question #16?"
- Warflight (no, that was for characters that didn't appear anywhere else,
you're not the only one that made the mistake though -ed)

ZARANA : That smelly, lazy no-good foulmouthed idiot won ?

MAINFRAME : Uhm... you just described any Dreadnock.....

ZARANA : I..... Shut up !

The "Wheelie" award for WORST cartoon character !!!

1 - Bazooka
1 - Deep Six
1 - Sparks
1 - Steeler
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Duke
1 - Cobra Commander
1 - Flint
1 - Lady Jaye
1 - Scarlett
1 - Sgt. Slaughter
1 - Admiral Latimer
1 - Mercer
1 - Big Lob
2 - Roadblock
3 - Serpentor

5 - Lifeline

"Bazooka. He didnt come across as being smart enough to be a Dreadnok,
let alone a Joe."
- Dan Carber

"Serpentor. "This I Command" my rear end!"
- General Hawk

"Cobra Commander-- They made him too sucky"
- Tommy Dye

ZARANA : Lifeline..... Hero or wuss ?

MAINFRAME : We'll leave that up to the flamewars.... Anyway, our time
here is up, so goodnight everybody, and enjoy the rest of the show !

ZARANA : Wanna go make out ?

MAINFRAME : 'kay.....

Zarana and Mainframe walk offstage, to the tune of the end credits from
"Revenge of Cobra". CC and Hawk re-enter.

CC : Remind me to have a little talk with Tommy later.....

HAWK : Well, we've dissected the cartoon but good !

CC : Yesss. And I won an award too ! That's the important thing.

HAWK : Sure..... Anyway, let's get on with the show ! Time to
get the low-down on the COMIC !

ANNOUNCER : And here to present the awards in the comic
category....... SCARFACE and GENERAL FLAGG !

CC : Didn't we kill those guys ?

Hawk : they got better.

Scarface and General Flagg come down the stairs, to the tune of
Timelf's "Resurrection" dio series (if it had a theme tune, anyway), as
Cobra Commander and Hawk leave the stage.

FLAGG : Ahhh. Great to be here folks, presenting awards named in
my honor !

SCARFACE : No they weren't. They were randomly named.

FLAGG : Po-t-a-t-o , Po-t-A-t-o . Who are you again ?

SCARFACE : you know, Cobra's famous courier from the comic !

FLAGG : Not with you.....

SCARFACE : I carried a deadly virus ?

FLAGG : Doesn't ring a bell.

SCARFACE : I had a big scar on my face ?

FLAGG : Ah , yes, you're the guy that inspired kids to mess up their
Cobra trooper and Officer figures with exacto knives.

SCARFACE : Did not !

FLAGG : Did too !

CRYSTAL BALL (from balcony) : This is the way comic characters are
written ?

FRIDGE : (from balcony) : The way Timmer writes them anyway.....

FLAGG : Ahem..... What do you say we present the first award ?


The "Shakespeare, but with pictures !" award for BEST ISSUE EVER !

1 - No 22 (Like Chimney Sweepers Come To Dust)
1 - No 82 (Training Day)
1 - No 26 (The origin of Snake-Eyes)
1 - No 16 (Night Attack)
1 - No 2 (Panic at the North Pole)
1 - No 124 (Triple treat)
1 - No 43 (Crossroads)
1 - Yearbook 2
1 - No 74 (Cobra Civil War)
2 - No 109 (Death In The Desert)
2 - No 1 (Operation Lady Doomsday)
4 - No 155 (A letter from Snake-Eyes)
5 - No 50 (battle for springfield)

8 - No 21 (Silent Interlude)

"GI Joe #1. No other comic out of the run got me as excited and wanting
more as that one."
- Dan Carber

"G.I.Joe #1 ? Operation: Lady Doomsday was the best issue ever because
we saw futuristic and realistic weaponry, the bravery of the G.I.Joe team,
the horrors of the terrorist group known as Cobra and because the
commercial helped launch one of the coolest animated series on television."
- David thorton (essay writer and commercial connaisseur -ed)

"Deadpool 42. Spoof of GIJoe 21"
- John M ( Judge Dredd wants a word with you -ed)

"#21 The First "Silent" Issue. I'm not even a big Snake-Eyes fan but it
had all the things a Joe Fan boy dreams about. Grenades, Ninjas,
Explosions, Castles, Explosions, Love, Mystery, Explosions and Ninjas."
- Dillon Lee

"Issue #50, Battle of Springfield. Some GREAT action scenes and
battles...Serpentor was portrayed well, and Cobra ended up winning in the end.
Larry Hama writing, Rod Whigham art...a great, milestone issue."
- General Hawk

"Arrrrrrgggggggghhhh. If I absolutely must pick just one, then Marvel #21 has
to be it. Silent Castle."
- Jaegan ( I put you people through so much pain, don't I ? -ed)

FLAGG : Silent Interlude, for two years in a row !

SCARFACE : Are you talking to me ?

FLAGG : What ?

SCARFACE : I said, are you talking to me ?

FLAGG : What are you doing ?

SCARFACE : Al Pacino ! You know, "Scarface" !

FLAGG : That was "Taxi Driver".....

SCARFACE : Oh..... Next award !

The "I wasted good money on THIS ?" award for WORST ISSUE EVER !

1 - No 119 (Double Trouble)
1 - No 144 (Snake-Eyes : The Tale Untold)
1 - No 155 (A Letter From Snake-Eyes)
1 - No 1 (Reinstated, Image)
1 - Action Force 6 (Cobra-La cameo)
1 - No 88 (Python Patrol)
1 - No 1 (Operation Lady Doomsday)
1 - No 1 (G.I.Joe 3-D Of Birds an Men)
1 - No 21 (Silent Interlude)
1 - No 8 (Codename : Sea Striker)
3 - No 24 (Ladies Day)
3 - No 154 (Flying The Unfriendly Skies)

4 - No 1 (GIJoe Vs. Transformers)

"GIjoe 154. When did they hire Wesley Snipes to play Roadblock????"
- John Missal (It's people like you that make Wesley Snipes dye his hair. -ed)

"#21 - Chant with me Over-Rated! Over-Rated!"
- Mike T (The rest of the fandom would like a word with you -ed)

"#155 - Because it was the last issue of G.I.Joe. Excuse me while I go cry.
- Macdowin

FLAGG : I thought Transformers where well-liked.

SCARFACE : Transformers are liked, so is GIJoe, just not when put
together, it seems.

FLAGG : Crossovers, always hit or miss I suppose.....

The "Special" award for BEST Special Missions issue ever !

2 - No 6 ( Evasion)
1 - No 7 (Cobra consulate ruse)
1 - No 8 (Ambush)
1 - No 14 (In from the Cold)
1 - No 5 (Showdown)
2 - No 5 (Showdown)
2 - No 22 (Decisions)
5 - No 1 (That Sinking Feeling)

7 - No 2 (Words of Honor)

Honorable mention : Regular issue No 50 - introducing special missions (2 votes)

SCARFACE : A great winner !

FLAGG : It took a judges decision last year, but today, issue 2 is the
undisputed winner !

The "no contest, really" award for WORST special mission issue ever !

1 - No 25 (Forced Play)
1 - No 4 (No Holds Barred)
1 - No 26 (Passing of the guard)
1 - No 28 (Final issue)

8 - No 24 (Ladies Day)

"Lady's Day Out.... don't know the issue number, but it was Special Missions,
and I LOVED Special Missions.... but that one BLEW!!!"
- Warflight (nobody seems to remember the issue number -ed)

"#24 - Ladies' Day"
- Tim Frankovich ( THANK YOU ! 38 ballots counted, you're the first to
give me the issue number -ed)

"#28 Because it was the last issue. Don't make me cry again."
- Macdowin

SCARFACE : Crybaby.

FLAGG : No great upset with this years winner, huh ?

SCARFACE : I guess the writers were wrong thinking all the Joe girls
as cheerleaders would turn on the readers.

FLAGG : I blame Crystal Ball.

CRYSTAL BALL (from balcony) : HEY !

The "Best of the Best" award for BEST COMIC SERIES !

1 - GIJoe Vs. Transformers
2 - Yearbooks
3 - 2001 Image series
5 - Special Missions

22 - Regular

"Regular (so far... image is cool, but young... time may tell on this one)"
- Phillip Powers

"Special missions rocked when the regular series got stale"
- Diana M

"Cohesively, the new Image title, I think"
- Alec Trevelyan 006

"From what I've read, Special Missions defines what my Joes are about.
They're the best of the best that do a dirty job. No other Comic showcases
all the elements that made GI Joe cool for me better."
- Dillon Lee

"Regular Marvel run for now. I reserve the right to change my opinion next year,
once the DD team has more issues under their belt and I see how they handle
some things."
- Jaegan ( Uhm..Yeah, that's what the 2002 FLAGGS will be for -ed)

FLAGG : Biggest landslide yet tonight !

SCARFACE : Shouldn't they retire this award ?

FLAGG : I don't know, in 2002, the new imagine comic will be in full swing,
and Larry Hama is gonna be writing mini-comics, so watch this space !

The "R...Rosebud" award for best comic death !

1 - Mangler
1 - Thunder
1 - The ox (Special Missions, some kid's ox gets shot) (Don't ask -ed)
1 - Toxo Viper (falls into the plasmotox)
2 - Soft Master
2 - Doc
3 - General Flagg
4 - Cool Breeze
4 - Sneak Peek

6 - Serpentor
6 - Kwinn

"Kwinn. Great plot, great twist, and great closure."
- Dan Carber

"Sneak Peek. He was the only character that died as a result of something
truely HEROIC."
- John Missal

"Thunder. finally put him out his misery!"
- The Wildman Josh ( Ouch ! -ed)

"Serpentor. That shot of him getting nailed in the eye will stay in
my brain forever."
- Paul Jacoby (Serpentor feels the same way -ed)

"Serpentor. It made me giggle"
- Diana M

"Don't know the issue, but the one where the Soft Master get offed.... it was so
poetic, and so tragic. he sacrifices himself for the innocent, and the innocent get
killed anyway.... it really showed Cobra to be a threat, and not just some "James
Bondish" bad guy who wants to take over the world, but can easilly be stopped..."
- Warflight

"Storm Shadows death by the Baroness"
- Tommy Dye (Doesn't count, he got better -ed)

And from the "pick one already" pile :

"Oktober Guard"
- Marvlostoys (Be specific -ed)

"Battle Force 2000"
- Tung and Troy X


SCARFACE : Judges !

COLONEL COURAGE : Hmmm.... An interesting dilemma.

ZARTAN : I'd go with Serpentor, since I killed him.

COLONEL COURAGE : I'd pick Kwinn ! He took his ennemy with him !

JUDGE DREDD : A noble death.... I agree !

FLAGG : So it goes to Kwinn !

SCARFACE : I didn't get one vote......

FLAGG : Who are you again ?

The "Transformers movie shuttle scene" for WORST comic death !

1 - Cool Breeze
1 - General Flagg
1 - Raptor
2 - Serpentor
3 - Breaker

12 - Doc

"Battle Force 2000"
- Various (Guys, it's "death" not "deaths" -ed)

"Issue No 155 - The end of the Joe team !"
- KennyD (Cute, real cute -ed)

"Doc, because it just sucked that they killed him off"
- Diana M

"Breaker. To have such a classic character cast aside like that just pretty
much sucked."
- General Hawk (you guys don't write essays...Thank you -ed)

"Bullet: hmmm.... toughie...
Lynx: Doc. You don't shoot a medic.
Bullet: I doubt the Saw Viper cared...
Lynx: But you still don't shoot a medic"
- Bullet and Lynx (duh)

"Doc (I DIDN'T WANT REAL WAR) (Sorry for shouting, but man,
They killed the Doc. That wasn't cool.)"
- Jaegan

FLAGG : Doc wins it two years in a row !