Disclaimer : This is a parody, all GIJoe characters are property of
Hasbro.... Well, the ones who's copyrights haven't
been lost anyway.
All others are property of their respective owners, and if you sue,
I'll cry like a 4-year-old
girl whose favorite Barbie has just been set on
fire by her older, meaner brother.....
The Pantsman Chronicles
Part 1 - PANTSMAN, the origin
Chapter 1 : Cobra has an evil, horrible plot take over the WOOORLD!!
It was a beautiful, sunny
day at the GIJoe headquarters, the sky was
blue, the birds were singing. OK, so there were a few dark..ish clouds
worry me a bit, but overall, a very nice day nevertheless....
Yet none of the joes were outside, enjoying the fine
weather, as the HQ
was buzzing with activity, especially the war room....
Mainframe : I just don't like it,
general. All the computer intel points to
one thing, Cobra has a new, ruthless, terrorist scheme to take over the
Hawk : Well, THAT'S almost never happened before.... What have you
Mainframe : What is the
one thing no man can live without ?
Gung Ho : Gumbo !
Grand Slam : Comics !
Clutch : Porn !
Duke : Por....errr I mean TV !
Clutch : Same thing....
Mainframe : You are quite right, Duke,
TV ! We have all seen Cobra
briefly take over all TV channels before, like whenever Cobra Commander
needed to issue
ultimatums, gloat or order his groceries.
Hawk : Sure , that's annoying, but not a threat, he's even being sponsored
Mainframe : true.... but what if I were to tell you Cobra has found a way to
perfect subliminal messaging
through television ?
Hawk : I'd call it an overused plot point, but go on....
Mainframe : I've stumbled
onto evidence that Cobra has been influencing
people all over the world to buy Cobra's useless products at highly
prices. They are getting funded by US !
Duke : I see no evidence of that.....
Clutch : Then why are you
wearing a "Foam Dome" beer hat ?
Duke : some people find it sexy.....
Hawk : OK, I'm convinced....
It explains why half the team have pet rocks
again anyway.... Where are they transmitting from ?
: They are using the Eiffel Tower as a giant tranmitter. They have
set up a huge underground base there.
: An underground base......?
Mainframe : Yes.
Hawk : Under the Eiffel Tower ?
Mainframe : Yes.
Hawk : In the middle of Paris ?
Mainframe : Yes.
Hawk : without anybody knowing about it ?
Mainframe : Yes.
Hawk : OK then..... Scramble the Tomahawks, Duke, pick your team,
we are going in !
Law walks in with a rather large parcel.
Law : General, your Woodstock commemorative plates have just come
in the mail.....
Chapter 2 : GIJoe tries to stop Cobras evil, horrible plot to take over the
Duke : Recondo, Dialtone, Repeater, Doc, you guys are with me in
Gung-Ho, Ambush, you guys get to Tomahawk two
with general Hawk.
Sidetrack : Uhm.... I'm Sidetrack, not Ambush
Duke : Whatever..... Clutch, Bazooka, Tracker, Mainframe, you're with
Flint in Tomahawk three !
: No women ?
Clutch : SOMEBODY has to stay behind to man the phonelines. Uhura's
Law. Besides, if yer lucky,
we might run into Zarana.....
Mainframe : I did not have sexual relations with that woman.....
Will you guys quit yapping? Everybody else is already on board
Everybody gets to the Tomahawk
and straps in. Soon, they are underway
Clutch : Say, Mainframe, it must have taken you a long time
to find the right
Cobra network, break into their computers and get all that intel.
Mainframe : Not really,
I just went to alt.worlddomination.Cobra .
Clutch : THAT is what this mission is based on ?
: Hey, at least I didn't get the info from my window cleaner.....
The trip lasted for hours, but it seemed like
mere seconds, especially
thanks to a rather superb game of Twister....
Duke : OK Joes, we're here. Let's talk
strategy.... How do we take out
Cobra's operation ?
Repeater : Blow up their antenna !
Duke : Ah
yes, that would be the Eiffel Tower... Any OTHER suggestions ?
Mainframe : I've got a map of the subway system.....
It appears that there
are four acces tunnels that lead nowhere.... Or rather, used to lead
nowhere. I'm guessing
those are entrypoints.
Doc : Where did you get that map so fast ?
Mainframe : My laptop,on alt.subways.maps.europe
Hawk : Fine, whatever... Team Tomahawk One take the first tunnel .
Team tomahawk Two, you take the second.
Team Three, you guys
split your forces between tunnel three and four .
Flint : Right, Mainframe, Clutch, you're
with me. Tracker, Bazooka,
you take the last tunnel.
Duke : YO JOEEEEE !
All : YO JOEEEEE !
Meanwhile, in the underground Cobra base.....
Scrap Iron : Commander ! Our battlecry detection grid has just
the Joe battlecry, we are in danger of an imminent attack !
Cobra Commander : I knew that grid would
pay off sooner or later ! At
least we'll have time to make our escape !
Scrap Iron : But commander, there are
but 15 Joes out there, and 125 of
Cobra Commander : Yes, all is lost... Prepare the Buzz Boars !
Cobra Officer : Wait, commander, we could blow the tunnels ! With one
glorious blast we could take out the entire
Joe force ! A deed worhty of
CC : Thank you, captain Klingon..... Oh, very well, even though that kind
thing never works..... Scrap Iron... Push..... the button !!
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<< Commercial break>>
CC : Scrap Iron, push...the BUTTON !
Scrap Iron pushes the button, and the ceiling fan starts spinning..
CC : The OTHER button..... The one
marked "explode tunnels".....
Scrap Iron pushes the BUTTON !
Meanwhile, at the end of tunnel
Dialtone : OK, we're in the complex.... Funny that I don't see any guards....
Parts of the tunnel
explode behind them.
Repeater : Oh %$^^ Good thing we were moving so fast !
Meanwhile, at the end of tunnel
Barbeque : OK, we're in the complex. Funny that I don't see any guards....
Part of the tunnel
explodes behind them
Rampart : Oh %$^^ Good thing we were moving so fast !
Meanwhile, at the end of Tunnel
Clutch & Mainframe : What they said.....
Meanwhile, inside tunnel four....
: Will you hurry up, Bazook ? I keep telling ya, there are no
Smurfs, and even if there were, they would not be hiding
Bazooka : OK, OK, but I will never give up my search !
Unexpectedly (for them anyway) parts of
the tunnel explode all around
Tracker & Bazooka : OH $$%= !!!!!!
Right above them, part
of the ceiling collapses, burying them under a pile
Chapter 3 : Enter...The PANTSMAN
At the entrance to the Cobra control room, all but two Joes are fighting
Cobra to a standstill.... Lot's
of weapons are fired, but strangly, few
people seem to get hit.
Meanwhile, in one of the collapsed tunnels,
Bazooka and Tracker are
crawling out from under the rubble....
Tracker : Ohhh.... My head....
: I'll say..... That must have been some explosion....
Tracker : Hey, waitaminute, who are you??
: I'm.... I.... I don't know ! Who are you ?
Trackern : I.... don't remember... But there must be some clues...
Bazooka : Clues ?
Trackeran : Why...yes.... surely we can find out who we are from
checking our personal
Bazooka : OK.....
Trackeman : Look at my outfit ! Surely there can only be ONE logical
! The yellow, the red..... I must be a crimefighting vigilante !
A superhero !!!
Bazooka : OK, but...who ?
PANTSMAN : Good friend, just look at the magnificense of my PANTS !!
Mere mortals cannot wear such an example
of excellence ! Therefore, I
must be ....... PANTSMAAAAAN !!!
Bazooka : Great, that takes care of you, but
who am I supposed to be.
PANTSMAN : Bestest bud.... Do you not see ?? Every good superhero
has a good sidekick
!! You must be....SHORTSBOY !!!!
Bazooka : buuuut.... I'm not wearing shorts, I'm wearing pants like you.
PANTSMAN : Not like me, friend, you wear ordinary, common pants....
It must be your disguise. Your disguise as a
mild-mannered soldier !
Bazooka : That's possible... But where is my costume then ?
PANTSMAN : Fear not,
friend for life, you are wearing boxershorts,
Bazooka (checks underwear) : Why.... YES !!
PANTSMAN : Then quickly, put your shorts on over your pants, so you
can assume your secret identity !!
a scene too horrible to describe here, Bazooka puts on his boxershorts
over his pants.....
PANTSMAN : Ah, excellent,
my fellow crimefighter.... Now let's get out of
here and bring the person that set up this heinous trap to justice !!
Shortsboy : Uhm.... we are kinda trapped here....
PANTSMAN : Ah, then we must take some time to ponder
Will pantsman and Shortsboy escape from their prison ?
Will the Joes be victorious
against Cobra ?
Will General Hawk buy the commemorative "Woodstock II" plates ?
Tune in next week,
same pantstime, same pantschannel !!
When we last saw our heroes, Tracker and Bazooka, forever
by a mysterious force (some rocks) into Pantsman and Shortsboy,
they were trapped in a tunnel while the
Joes fought Cobra to a standstill
in their underground complex..... And now, the continuation !
4 : Cobra meets its new arch nemesis !
Inside the tunnel, our heroes ponder their situation.....
: Suffering suffication, Pantsman ! We can't stay here much
longer, our air will run out !
Pantsman : Quite
right, old friend.... Perhaps I will find some tools to help
us escape in my utility belt !
Shortsboy : That
looks like an ordinary belt to me......
Pantsman : Ahhh, my naive friend, then what is THIS hanging on the belt
Shortsboy : A hand grenade ?
Pantsman : It must be one of my custom-made pantsbombs ! Ideal for
your way out of a prison..... Or collapsed tunnel !
Shortsboy : Exploding expletives, Pantsman ! That could kill
Pantsman : Do not worry, my troubled pal.... Do you not remember the
excellent advise our government once
provided ? Duck and cover
as soon as I throw the pantsbomb !
As soon as Pantsman throws the pantsbo.. I mean
the hand grenade,
both men duck under two conveniantly placed school desks, a mere
three feet away from the blast
point. A deafening explosion follows,
and after the dust settles, a mansized hole has been made in the wall
seperating our heroes from freedom.
Pantsman : See ? I told you, everything was going to be allright !
: How could I have ever doubted you ? But we are not out
of the woods yet, I hear the sound of a terrible conflict nearby
As Pantsman and Shortsboy enter the underground complex, they
notice the rest of the team have positioned
themselves behind boulders,
and are engaged in a firefight with Cobra.
Pantsman : hello, good citizen, what
is going on here ?
Barbeque : Hey guys, good to see you made it out, Cobra had set up
charges in the tunnels.
Right now, they've got us pinned down !
Meanwhile, on the Cobra side of things....
Cobra Commander (looking
through binoculars) : Drat, two more Joes
have just blasted their way through a tunnel. Keep firing, men !!!
troops : COBRAAAAA !!
Cobra Commander (silently) : Scrap Iron, all is lost now that the Joes have
Let's quietly try to make our exit.....
Scrap Iron : OK troops ! Keep them pinned down ! Don't give an inch !
Commander and I are going to get a secret weapon ! Do not worry !!
Cobra Commander get aboard their Buzz Boars and
make their escape....
Cobra trooper #71 : Uhm..... I don't thing they are coming back.....
# 21 : You......may have a point there.....
Cobra Officer #3 (oblivious) : OK troops, we are going to fall back
so we can get into a better position for when the Commander returns !!
Follow me !!!!
follow the officer, taking up new positions deeper inside
the complex, a few stay behind though....
#74 : Ugh... To hell with this, I'm staying here to surrender to the
first Joe I see....
Trooper #21 : Good
idea, who's with us?
About a dozen troopers throw their weapons to the ground and stay put.
So it was the work of those dastardly scoundrels that put me
and my trusted sidekick in peril ?
Uhm..... yeah.... I guess..... why are you talking so funny ?
Pantsman : No time, good citizen, we must bring these
justice ! Come, Shortsboy !!
Hawk : No ! What are you......
Pantsman and Shortsboy
rush forward and reach the troop of Cobras that
didn't fall back.
Pantsman : Freeze, you scoundrels ! Or face
the power of my PANTS !!!
Cobra trooper #74 : Huh??????
Cobra troopers #85, 14, 63 : Huh???????
Cobra trooper #21 : Look, we surrender unconditionally.
Pantsman and Shortboy walk back to the Joes, with 13
Cobras, who have
their hands up, in tow...
Hawk : How did they..... How did they..... How did they.....
Cobra trooper #74 : Look, we don't want anymore bloodshed.....
Dialtone : Actually there is a zero casualty
rate on both....
Hawk : I agree, I agree.... What do you have in mind ?
Cobra Trooper #71 : There are
sleeping gas cannisters attached to the
ceiling, just where the other troops are located.... I can remote activate
in exchange for leniency in court for me and my men.
Hawk : Deal .
The gas is released, and Cobra is defeated
once again . And it all wrapped
up much quicker than usual.... So the Joes return to the Tomahawks,
the Cobras over to the French authorities.....
Hawk (talking into a recorder) : General's log 27.04.01 , another
succesfully completed. Cobras plan has failed. No all that's left to do is
to go back to base and order
my Woodstock II plates.....
Clutch : How long will the effects from Cobra's TV scam last ?
Just a few more days.....
Clutch : Great ! then I can sell all kinds of crap to Hawk !
Hawk : OK, Joes,
let's go home !
Doc : Uhm.... Hawk, I think we may have a problem with Tracker and
Chapter 5 : What are we gonna do now ?
After a succesful mission in France, the Joes return to headquarters.....
for some, the experience has left them.....changed.....
Hawk : OK, Doc, run me through it..... what happened
to Tracker and
Doc : Well, near as I can figure, when parts of the tunnel collapsed on them,
were hit on the head, and not only got amnesia, but their personalities
shifted a bit too.....
Hawk : How,
Doc : They seem convinced they are a pair of crimefighting superheroes,
called Pantsman and Shortsboy.
Hawk : I....see.... Is there anything you can do ?
Doc : Unless sitcoms and cartoons have lied to me all
these years, the only
cure is if they get hit hard on the head again.....
Hawk (picking up a football stick)
: No problem, then !
Doc : Hold on, sir . I'm afraid the force required to change them back would
be so great
that it could be.......fatal.
Hawk : You mean we're stuck with two wannabe superheroes ?????
Doc : Hey,
it's not so bad, and they are pretty good detectives too.... they
found the glasses I lost immediatly !
: Were they on your head ?
Doc : Did you get hit on the head too ?
Hawk : I'm gonna talk to them....
In the infirmary, Pantsman and Shortsboy are talking about their great
victory against the forces of evil....
Pantsman : Did you see the utter despair in their eyes, as I confronted
them with my PANTS ??
: A worthy victory indeed .
Hawk enters the infirmary.
Hawk : How's it going, troops ? Anything look familiar
in the ol' HQ ?
Pantsman : No..... But we have used deductive reasoning, and we now
know who you all are, and
what our purpose here is .
Hawk : O.....Kay.....
Pantsmen : Obviously you good citizens have banded together
the terrible threat the Cobra poses.....
Hawk : The cobra ?
Pantsman : Yes, we cracked
the code : Criminal Organisation to Bring
Robopants to America.......
Hawk : Robopants ?
: Electrified echo, general ! Yes, we thought long and hard
about how an organisation could take over our country......
Pantsman : ....And the best way would be to use nanotechnology to
create robotic pants... Once people put these
on, they'd be under the
control of Cobra..... Obviously, Cobra will try their darndest to take over
means before they've perfected the technology .
Hawk : Are you two totally...
Doc (whispering) : General,
please, leave them in their fantasy, bursting
their bubble could have disastrous psychological consequences......
Hawk : *sigh* fine......
Pantsman : Don't worry, general, our temporary amnesia will not deter us
helping you fight the good fight ! After all, where would you be without
Hawk : Oh brother.....
Will Cobra find out about the superheroes that have joined the Joe team ?
the Joes react ?
And howzabout....a PANTSMOBILE ???
Find out next week, same pantstime, same pantschannel