Chapter one : How to stop evil in its tracks
In the pantscave....
Pantsman : How can we stop
evil in its tracks ?
Shortsboy (munching on some doritos) : Mfpgr crmmpf Pfrrg*
*translation : Why, mighty
pantsman, it seems perfectly obvious that
we need to devote several days pondering this weighty issue !
: Indeed !
Several days go by, the Joes have been keeping themselves busy,
thwarting Cobras plot to use the
teletubbies to warp children into becoming
Cobra agents, although Laalaa got caught in the crossfire, and didn't make
In the command room....
Hawk : Another successful mission !
Duke : Yes, we've managed to
whipe out Barney, a teletubby and several
Pokemon, and blame it all on Cobra.....
All of a sudden, Pantsman
and Shortsboy burst in
Shortsboy : Gobsmacking greetings, general ! We have great news !
Pantsman : My
partner in justice is right, general !!!
Hawk : That's..... great men.....
Pantsman : We have found a
way to defeat the cobra once and for all !!!!
Hawk : This isn't like the time you wanted to sic the Power Rangers
them is it ? Cause as we discussed, those are fictional characters.....
Shortsboy : Maniacal mistake, general,
that wasn't our fault !
Pantsman : Indeed, it's just that those TV images were so darn realistic !
: You were talking of defeating cobra ?
Pantsman : Ah, yes.... Our plan is to so utterly and totally humiliate their
leadership, that they will disband in disgrace !!
Hawk : And...... how were you planning to do this ?
Pantsman : At the earliest opportunity, we plan to STEAL THEIR PANTS !!
Hawk : ............
Shortsboy : Horrific hypnosis, pantsman ! They seem to be in total shock
and awe of our plan !!
Hawk : Wha... what do you mean, at the earliest opportunity ?
Pantsman : It is obvious, my good general,
as soon as there is another
skirmish between our brave forces of freedom and the cobra, we will
capture one of their
leadership, and remove his pants to hang on our
hallowed wall !!! Right below yours and that other chaps, Flint.
shortsboy : The resulting humiliation will make this evildoer so ashamed
he'll never be seen again !!
: That's certainly an.......interesting idea, guys.... I'll certainly think it
Pantsman : Very well,
we will go plan our first mission ! Come, Shortsboy !
Pantsman and Shortsboy leave the command room.....
: Duke, get Flint, Beachhead and Doc in here !
Chapter two : Planning..... the PANTSQUEST !
Hawk, Duke, Beachhead and Doc are sitting in the command room
Hawk : So there you have it, their plan is
Duke : How can you even consider this ? We can't let those two morons
go out on missions with us !
They'll get killed !
Flint : Not too mention endangering OUR lives ! And for what ? some
: Please, gentlemen, hear me out here... First of all, Doc, what is
their physical condition ?
Doc : Just fine,
general, they can still throw punches and shoot like the
best of them.
Flint : But they don't USE guns, because
they think they're superheroes,
and superheroes don't use guns !
Doc : I believe they will, if they are stun
guns or guns with knowk-out darts.
Hawk : That's good. Now, I put it to you, gentlemen, that these to HAVE
in the past, they have defeated Cobra on several occasions.
Duke : Yes, through dumb luck !!
Hawk : Exactly
Duke : Excuse me ?
Hawk : You're excused, down the ahll, second door on the left, you should
duke : No, I mean, so what if they have won the day before because of dumb
Hawk : They
say luck protects fools, children and starships named Enterprise.
And we have two of the biggest fools right here ! I
say we let them tag along
when we next face off with Cobra, in all probability, through no fault of their
WILL get acces to a member of the Cobra leadership !
Beachhead : Yes, and they'll take his PANTS ! What good will
that do ??
Hawk : Beachhead, the moment THEY have acces, WE'LL have acces, and
we'll be able to capture whoever
it is they're taking pants from !
Duke : Too dangerous.
Flint : Rediculous.
Beachhead : Suicidal.
Hawk : Who's general ?
Duke : Excellent plan, sir !
Flint : Great thinking !
Hawk : And THAT, Beachhead, is why you aren't so high up in the chain
of command . Now let's go
break the good news to them, shall we ?
Hawk and the gang head won to the pantscave, but stop just one corridor
away from it, as they've just found Pantsman and Shortsboy, sitting on top
of Snake-Eyes !
Hawk : WHAT
ARE YOU DOING ????
Pantsman : We apprehended this foul spy, general !
Hawk : Spy ???
: Yes, as we were walking back to our top secret headquarters,
we ran into this masked menace, and rightfully asked who
he was !
Shortboy : Serpentlike surprise, general ! And he gave is this note !
Hawk take the note, wich
reads "Hi ! I'm Snake-Eyes"
Pantsman : See? With a name like that, he has to be part of the cobra !!
Hawk : Nono, Snake-Eyes is one of my finest troops !!!
Doc (whispering to Hawk) : Good thing Snake-Eyes
remembered to humor
these two.... Otherwise we'd be picking up bodyparts for weeks....
Pantsman and Shortsboy
get off Snake-Eyes, who leaves without saying a
Pantsman : What a rude fellow..... Anyway, general,
don't you think it's a
tad confusing to have a fellow called Snake-Eyes running around when
you are fighting an
organisation that uses snake names a lot?
Hawk : Well..... I guess it can lead to misunderstandings.......
Duke : Anyway, we came looking for you to tell ya that the plan is a go !
Pantsman : Excellent ! Soon we will
be collecting pants to bring terrorisme
to it's KNEES !!!
Will Pantsman succeed ?
will be the first target ?
How will Cobra react ?
Find out next week, same pantstime, same pantschannel
Chapter 3 - Zartan !
On Cobra Island, inside the Terrordrome,
in Cobra Commanders throne
Cobra Commander (CC) : Look at us ! The Paris project ! Our Computer
attack ! RUINED ! And in record time !
Cobra Commander throws a chair across the room.
Destro : Yes,
the Joes HAVE gotten a lot more efficient these past few
Baroness : But how, Destro Dahling ? All
our intel says that there have
been no significant changes !
Destro : True... No new equipment, no batch of
new recruits.... And still,
their performance has improved significantly....
CC : They are outsmarting us AT
EVERY TURN !!
Cobra Commander throws a potted plant across the room.
Destro : I suppose it IS possible
that they could have slipped one or
two new team members in without us knowing, but they'd have to be
CC : A COUPLE OF MEN ???? AGAINST THE MIGHT OF COBRA ????
Cobra Commander throws a kitchen sink across
Baroness : We must get some new intel, I'd suggest we send in Zartan....
Destro : What ? Color-boy
? Ugh.. I suppose it IS required....What do
you think, Commander ?
Cobra Commander is sulking in a corner,
sucking on a pacifier.
Destro : *Sigh* I'll contact him.... (under breath : We should have never killed
Serpentor....) Where's the phone ?
Baroness : The Commander threw it in that corner over there.....
picks up the phone....
Destro : Hello, Cobra operator ?
Operator : Thank you for using Cobratel , all
lines are busy at the moment,
please hold and enjoy this music....
"Cold Slither" is heard..... After
Destro : To hell with this.....
Destro throws the phone back where he found it and then
opens the door.
Destro : ZARTAN ! GET IN HERE !
Zartan emerges from a door adjacent to the throne room....
Zartan : You bellowed ?
Destro : Yes. Cobra Commander wants you to infiltrate the Joes head-
and find out why they have become so efficient lately.
Zartan : AGAIN ? I've been there so many times, I've got
my own bunk bed.
Destro : It is vital..... And this time, learn their codenames, would ya? Every
time you call
somebody "troop" you get your lights knocked out....
Zartan : Fine, I'll have to use all my skill and
cunning, but I won't let you down.
Chapter 4 : Infiltration !
Zartan and the Dreadnocks
Ripper, Torch and Buzzer are lying low in some
bushes, conveniently located near Joe Headquarters.....
: This ain't no way to treat yer Dreadnocks, Zartan, having us lying
here in bushes....
Ripper : He's right,
I got poison ivy all over....
Buzzer : Not to mention I was enjoying a rather fascinating Tolstoy before
dragged off to here.
All : ...............
Buzzer : *sigh* Me was reading funny booky.....
: Quiet, you fools ! And listen up ! I need you to create a diversion. Go
past the perimiter fence, rip it open, shoot
at the grounds, anything. Unleash
some mayhem that will bring the guards out in force !
Buzzer : Uhm.... Wouldn't
that lead to us getting captured ?
Zartan : No, just turn of your cycles' lights when you make a break for it.
I've seen that work on "the Simpsons"....
Buzzer : Oh, well, then we have no problem ! But tell me,
why are you taking
all the chances ? Why not let one of your siblings have a go ?
Zartan : What ? That bumbling
idiot, zandar ? He doesn't know the layout
of the place, and as for my dear sister, she'd probably forget about the
mission and start sucking face with that Mainframe guy.... Besides, they'd
want a big cut of the money Destro promised
me...err I mean us. Now get
The Dreadnocks get on their motorcycles, and start their own, unique brand
of redecorating. Soon, the entire base is alive with sirens. From all sides,
guards come running. As one of the guards
runs past the bushes, Zartan
grabs him, takes his papers and activates his holoprojectors to assume
shape. He then makes his way towards the entrance....
Zartan : Things seem to be quieting down, looks like it was
a biker gang.
Entrance guard : We seem to get that a lot. You'd better file a report....
Zartan : I'll
get right on it ! Sucker !
Entrance guard : Huh ?
Zartan : Oh, was that out loud ? Sorry ! Didn't mean
Entrance guard : Oh, OK then.....
Zartan : (under breath) They get stupider every time......
With that, zartan makes his way inside Joe headquarters !
Chapter 5 : Zartan Versus
In the Joes command room.....
Duke : Look at this, general, another raid by a group
of bikers !
Hawk : No, not bikers, Duke, I have strong suspicions these were.....Dreadnocks!
oh no, ya think ?
Hawk : (oblivious) oh, yes, they must have been send here to test the waters !
: Don't you think this may have been a diversion to get zartan in here ?
Hawk : HAH ! No, they wouldn't try THAT
trick a twenty-seventh time !
Duke : .....yeah.... I guess..... I'll put an alert out anyway. Tell people to look
out for any Joe that doesn't remember a fellow Joes codename. Not
including Ghostrider's, off course...
: Who ?
Duke : Exactly......
In the rec room...
Ambush : .....So I said to him, get this, that's
not my tent, it's my latrine !
Airtight : I don't get it.....
Intercom (the intercom, not some new Joe)
: Attention Joes. There is a
possibility that Zartan may have infiltrated the Pit. Be on the lookout for
of Joes walking around, and for Joes who can't remember
Airtight : THERE HE IS ! GET HIM !
Airtight, Spearhead and Shockwave all rush to the door and tackle the man
that has just entered the room....
Sidetrack : Ow OW OW !!! UNCLE !! UNCLE !!!!
Ambush : Guys, that's not zartan, that's Sidetrack..... Remember
talked about how eerely similar we are ?
Spearhead : Ooops.... Yeah..... Sorry Sidetrack.....
Sidetrack : That's it, I'm shaving of the facial hair....
Meanwhile, in an unspecified corridor....
(as Sidetrack) : This will confuse the Joes even more !
Shipwreck : Hey, you ! What's my codename ?
: It's Shipwreck, duh.....
Shipwreck : Hey, don't get upset, we have to check, you know....
(again) outside the pantscave....
Pantsman : We must be on our toes, fearless friend, as there may very
be a vile imposter walking these halls.....
Shortsboy : Dreadfull Deception, Pantsman ! We must find this "Zartan"
Pantsman : Indeed, old companion, indeed !
Just then, Zartan walks around the corner.
Pantsman : Halt, good sir ! I must ask you to identify me !
Zartan : No problem, guys, it's me, Sidetrack !
I know who you are ! Tracker !
Pantsman and Shortsboy eye Zartan suspiciously.....
Zartan : Ehhh... No
wait..... You're Wetsuit ! Uhm..... Leatherneck ?
Pantsman : Grab him, old chum ! He is surely the interloper !!
Pantsman and Shortboy tackle Zartan, in the ensuing fight, one of Zartan's
hologram projectors gets damaged,
and he reverts back to his true form !
Shortsboy : Terrible transformation, Pantsman ! It really IS Zartan ! A Leader
of the cobra !
Zartan manages to use this moment of disorientation to get up and flee
into the pantscave,
he runs up the ramp, and out the conveniently opened
Pantsman : After him, old friend ! To
the PANTSMOBILE !!!
Pantsman and Shortsboy get into the Pantsmobile (Clutches Vamp,
repainted in red, with
an old suitcase instead of the missile launcher and
with yellow pants painted on the hood and doors, for those of you
have forgotten) and start chasing Zartan .
Zartan (running) : Dammit, they've got a vehicle....an UGLY
they are gaining on me !
Pantsman : We've almost got him, shortsboy !
come to terms with the fact that he can't outrace a VAMP,
no matter how ugly, on foot, Zartan collapses to the ground.....
Zartan : OK, you've got me, just take me to my cell.....
Pantsman : No, fiend ! Take off your pants !
Zartan : Wha..... What ????
Pantsman : I said, TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS !
Zartan : OK, OK.... My Cobra
laywers will hear about this !!!
In a scene too dreadfull to describe here, Zartan takes off his pants. We
he wears boxers, not briefs, and they have little chameleons on them.
Pantsman : Hand them over !
confused Zartan hands over his pants....
Pantsman : OK, you're free to go !
Zartan : WHAT ???
: Yes.... But remember, tell your evil friends, before you scurry
away to a deserted island out of shame, that Pantsman
will continue to thwart their evil plots, as we've done before !
Zartan : Uhm... OK....
With that, Zartan runs off, through a hole conveniently left in the fence by
what appears to be, his watch) : This is Zartan, I need EVAC !
Just then, Hawk and some other Joes come running
Hawk :(breathing heavely) Wha...wha.....what happened ?
Pantsman : A great victory,
general ! We captured the devilish fiend who
had snuck into our base !
Hawk : Great ! Where is he ??
Pantsman : As per our plan, we've taken his pants, and let him go !
Hawk : YOU LET HIM GO ??????
: It matters not, general, since we took his PANTS !! He will
be far too embarrased to ever bother us again !
Destro : Commander, Zartan is being choppered in, and it
appears he is
not wearing any pants.....
Cobra Commander : He's not doing what now ?
lands, and a very embarrased Zartan steps off....
Zartan : Commander, Destro, I have a very strange tale to tell.....
Cobra Commander : This I believe.....
At Joe Headquarters, in the Pantscave, to be more precise.....
Pantsman : Look at it, General, does it not look beautiful ?
Pantsman, Shortsboy and Hawk are looking at Zartan's
on the same wall as Duke's and Flint's.
Shortsboy : Delerious Decorations, general, and that's
not all !
Pantsman : Look, by simply toggling this device, conveniently located
in the crotch area, we can
make these pants change shape and color !
Pantsman does so, and Zartan's pants become blue with a yellow flower
Hawk (close to tears) : That's great fellas. So much better than capturing
Zartan.... If you need
me, I'll be in my office with a bottle of scotch.....
Now Cobra knows about Pantsman, will they
be able to counter him ?
How is next in the Pantsquest ?
Will Hawk take a vacation ?
get some feedback ?
Find out next week, same pantstime, same pantschannel !
In our previous exciting
episode of Pantsquest, Cobra came face to
face with Pantsman ! And they trembled in fear! (according to him,
And now, the continuation !
Chapter 6 : Cobra countermoves ?
On Cobra island, Zartan has just returned
from Joe Headquarters.
Cobra Commander : So let me get this straight..... All our plans have
been going awry
because of ONE Joe ? A man who thinks he's a
superhero by the name of Pantsman ?
Zartan : Yes, Commander, he
confronted me personally, and I took some
top secret files on him when nobody (including the reader) was looking.
CC : I will call a meeting of the Cobra high command for this, make sure
you're there, zartan, and for god's sake,
PUT ON SOME PANTS !!
Zartan : I apologize, Commander, but you did say you wanted to be briefed,
no pun intended,
CC : I never need to know something that bad....
Some time later, Cobra Commander, Destro,
zartan, the Baroness, Tomax
and oh, let's say Scrap Iron, are sitting at a table......
Zartan : .....and then
he took my pants, and set me free......
Destro : I've studied the files you provided. It seems the only reason for
successes so far has been blind luck..... Such rare events , we can overlook.
Scrap Iron : Like when professor
Apple's daughter was dating a Joe ?
Destro : Yes...
Scrap Iron : Or when two Joes had an uncle in Millville
Destro : Yes...
Scrap Iron : Or when a windshield wiper exposed all those Cobra operations?
: Shut up, shut up, shut up.....
CC : It seems clear we need to deal with this....
Tomax : The best thing
to do is.........
CC : Yes ?
Tomax just sits there......
Meanwhile, in another room.....
Crimson Guard : What do you mean, "draw him out" ? Just deal the cards
Xamot : Sorry,
Crimson Guard : I hate it when this happens......
Back in the conference room.....
Tomax : ....happens when my brother and I are apart....
CC : You're not allowed to talk anymore.....
Baroness : The question remains... How do we stop him ?
CC : We need to see him in action again, so we can determine
Tomax holds up a finger.
CC : Yes ?
Tomax : I have to.....
another room) Xamot : Go to the bathroom.
Crimson Guard : Oh, OK.....
Xamot : Not me ! I went.....
Tomax : a couple of minutes ago....
CC : *sigh*..... Good thing you two are such good accountants.....
Chapter 7 : Planning A Pantsparty !
In Joe Headquarters, the command room.
Hawk : All
in all, we got off easy. Zartan didn't get his hands on anything
Duke : So Pantsm..... I mean Tracker
did good ?
Hawk : As good as is possible with him....
Duke : Speaking of wich..... It's nearly 14.00h.....
Hawk : So ?
Duke : He usually bursts in here around this time.....
Just then, Pantsman and Shortboy
burst in there....
Pantsman : Greetings, General ! Greetings, Mr. Coma Man
Duke : The name's Duke.....
Shortboy : Fabulous Festivities, general ! We have a wonderfull idea !
Hawk : O....K.... what is it this
time, boys ?
Pantsman : Well, since we had most decisive victory against Zartan, we
thought we'd have a party
Hawk : A.....party ?
Pantsman : Yes ! We can hold it in the Pantscave ! Everybody is invited !
Hawk : That's not a bad idea, the Joes could use some R 'n R.....
Duke : General, the pantscave, as they call
it, only has room for about a
dozen people..... We have a roster of over 200 men....
Pantsman : So we'll move
some furniture !
Duke : But.....
Hawk : You heard the man ! Besides a lot of Joes are on mission anyway.
Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, we see a large hotel, with a banner reading
"Welcome, Joe con 2001" over
the entrance. Inside, there's an all you can
eat buffet and an all you can drink bar. We see Battle Force 2000, the
Ninja Force, most of the Eco Warriors, DEF and Star brigade specific
guys lying passed out on the floor.
: So, what do you have in mind, Pantsman ?
Pantsman : A costume party ! Preferably with superhero costumes, though
others are allowed too !
Hawk : Fine, set it up !
Some time passes...... not a lot, mind you, maybe
a day or two...... We join
some Joes in the indoor rifle range....
Roadblock : Not bad Gung Ho, 10 out of 10
on tank targets, 10 out of ten on
plane targets, 10 out of 10 on BAT targets !
Gung Ho : Yeah, but still no
points on cobra trooper targets.....
Leatherneck : Don't worry, we'll get the hang of it sooner or later.
Hawk (over the intercom) : Listen up, Joes ! Tonight, we're gonna have a
costume party in the pantscave, curtosy
of Pantsman ! Superhero costumes
are preferred, but others are OK too !
Gung Ho : A party ? Great ! I'll make
my famous Gumbo and....
Just then, Roadblock and Leatherneck jump him. After a short struggle, they
to lock him in a large munitions crate.
Roadblock : There, I'll do the catering, thankyouverymuch. We'll let him
and hour before the party starts.
Meanwhile, in the rec room.
Sci-Fi : A costume party ? Cool
Rapid Fire : Yeah, awesome !
Ice Cream Soldier : Yeah, we can dress up all funny !
To be continued