Warning : The Pantstale you are about to read is different from
the ones you've read so far..... It's not part of the cronicles, it
isn't canon... There's extreme violence in there, and I think a swear or
two.... And, for the purpose of irony, I wrote this while being mostly
Now, get ready for......
The Pantsman Halloween Special
By Terrifying Timmer
On an evil clone computer
With Woecausing Windows
Chapter one : What the hell is going on ?
In Joe Headquarters, we see Dialtone walking down a
corridor, holding a stack of papers.....
Dialtone (mumbling) : "Go ask all the Joes to fill out the forms" he
says.... "We need employee input for synergy" he says.... Hawk has
been reading one too many Dilbert books.....
All of a sudden, he sees Bazooka, wearing a white shirt and tiger-striped
pants walking towards him.....
Dialtone : Ugh.... This is gonna be the worst..... Ahem.... Shortsboy, good
defender of virtue ! Could you and your illustrious partner please fill
out these forms ?
Bazooka : What in blazes are you blabbering on about, Dialtone ? Some
kind of joke ? Just give me the form.
Dialtone : Uhm..... OK.....
Bazooka wonders off, leaving a dumbfounded Dialtone...
Dialtone : Hey, maybe he's cured ! Better report this to Hawk.....
In Hawk's office, a couple of minutes later....
Dialtone : I'm telling you sir, Bazooka was perfectly normal, well,
he WAS wearing some strange variant of his uniform, but other
than that, he was fine.
Hawk : Well, this may have just solved half our problem. I wonder
if Pantsma.... I mean Tracker is back to normal too ?
Doc : It's certainly possible, after all, they both got their....condition
at the same moment.....
Suddenly, Law bursts in.....
Law : Sir, we have a problem at the gate..... An unidentified person
tried to gain acces to the base. The guards are facing a standoff.
Hawk : *sigh* is there anything those guys CAN handle on their own ?
Let's go !
Hawk, Law, Dialtone and Doc make their way to the main entrance.....
Hawk : OK troop, fill us in !
Greenshirt Guard : It's weird, general, this guy claims to be Grunt, but
he looks nothing like him ! And it seems he isn't able to speak
normally either, all he does is scream !
We see the strange figure, dull yellow pants, brown shirt, black hair like
a "grease" reject, and his mouth in a never-changing shouting position,
standing behind a VAMP, holding a big-ass gun.
Bizarro-Grunt : LET ME IN YOU BASTARDS !! WHAT IS THIS ? SOME
KIND OF COBRA PLOT ? SYNTHOIDS ? I'LL BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD !
Hawk : Uhm..... Shoot him, somebody.....
Bizarro-Grunt : GAAAARRRCCCHHHHHHH
Bizarro-Grunt opens fire, gunning down the guard standing next to Hawk,
but somehow, Hawk doesn't get hit....
Greenshirt Guard : R......Rosebud......
Hawk (kneeling next to the guard) : NOOOOOOOO ! *
((* In the Special Edition DVD, we learn in an outtake,
that this guard was actually Hawks cousin. And Greedo shot first.))
Law draws his pistol (about damn time) and shoots Bizarro-Grunt
between the eyes..... and legs.....and not in that order.....
Dialtone : Ugh... That was horrible.....
Hawk : Yes.... And this is gonna take a lot of paperwork..... For you.
Dialtone : Since when am I the Joe clerck anyway ? And can't we just
bury them in the back yard ?
Law : We have a back yard ?
Hawk : Apparantly we do, and fine, we'll bury them.... Will get me
out of a few committee meetings.
Chapter two : They still have no clue what's going on, you guys do.
Hawk (walking back inside, after some fun gravedigging*) : Well,
I hope everything is back to normal now.....
((* In the DVD Special Edition, Hawk and the gang fight an army of
zombies, since the back yard was built on a toxic, ancient indian
burial ground. Unfortunetaly, the SFX budget ran out for the original.))
All of a sudden, Pantsman and Shortsboy run up to them !
Shortsboy : Horrific Horrors, General ! What was with all that shooting !
Pantsman : Indeed, we came as soon as we could ,but were delayed
by a container, blocking our exit !
Hawk : I.....Wonder how that got there... Anyway, nothing to worry about,
guys, just some training excersize.
Pantsman : Very good then.... We'll meet again, my friend ! To the
Hawk : Hmm... Didn't you say Bazooka was back to normal ?
Dialtone : Must have been temporary sanity.
Doc : Thank you, Dialtone MD.....
Dialtone : Well, what do you think then ?
Doc : Must have been temporary sanity.
Dialtone : That's what I SAID.
Doc : But it sounds more credible coming from me.
Hawk : Whatever... I'll be in my office, you guys do...whatever the
hell it is you do around here.
Doc (under breath) : being the brains on this outfit.
Law (under breath) : Giving this place at least a semblance of security
Dialtone (under breath ) : Tinky Winky.....Dipsy...Lalaa.... Po..... Teletubbies....
Chapter Three : Too many Dialtones...
Hawk, sitting in his office, has gotten quite a few strange reports....
Duke : I'm telling you, I've been sober for 8 days now !
Hawk : And I'm telling you, four Joes saw you staggering around drunk
this morning, in a puke-green shirt no less..... And you dyed your hair !
Duke : Hmpf.... Like you should talk......sir.
Stalker : Look, obviously something strange is going on, there was a
KAJAK in my locker this morning. A FREAKING KAJAK.
Hawk : Do much kajaking ?
Stalker : Around the base ? Not as such, no.
Duke : And more than a few Joes have reported spotting weirdoes
running around the base, but they vanish without a trace !
Hawk : What kind of weirdoes ?
Duke : Repeater saw this guy in an all neon orange suit walk around,
claiming to be Clutch and babbling something about fighting evil
monsters. Dusty saw somebody in a whiteish uniform who resembled
Fox Mulder with a five-o-clock shadow who called himself Lifeline.
Hawk : Interesting...... Whatever is going on, it seems clear our
security has been breached..... Put the base on alert !
Duke : Yes sir !
Just then, over the intercom :
Dialtone : Attention Joes ! General Tomahawk is placing the base on
Red alert ! Red alert !
Hawk : What in blue blazes ????
Duke (picking up the intercom mic) : Dialtone, report to the generals
office right now ! On the double !
After a few minutes, Dialtone walks in.....
Dialtone : You wanted to see me, Duke ?
Duke : Yes. What were you doing on the intercom, and who is general
Dialtone : I don't know what you mean, sir. I've been Listening to Heavy Metal
for the past hour.
Hawk : Since when do you listen to that music ?
Dialtone : Music ? I meant the tank guy.... He was giving a lecture on what
do to when you're in a tank and have to pee.....
Hawk : I... see. But did you hear yourself on the intercom ?
Dialtone : Yeah, I figure it was Mainframe or Breaker doing an impression
as a gag....
Just then, Dialtone (olive drab uniform) walks in....
Dialtone (2) : You wanted to see me, Duke ?
Duke : OK, so maybe I am drunk......
Hawk : Two Dialtones ? Maybe that screaming nutcase outside had
a good point..... synthoids ?
Stalker : What are those awful things on his hands ?
Duke : Look like somekinda growths.....
Stalker : Maybe we can test him to see if he's a synthoid !
Stalker stomps down on the toe of the olive drab Dialtone with the
heel of his boot.
OD Dialtone : OWWWW ! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU TEST FOR SYNTHOIDS !
Just then, Dialtone, wearing a blue shirt with a neon hose sticking out
of it walks in.....
Dialtone (the one with the hose) : You wanted to see me, Duke ?
Dialtone (the one with the growths) : Holy moly !
Dialtone (the original one ) : This can't be !
Hawk (the confused one) : Uhmm......
Duke : OK, so now we have three Dialtones.... All similar, but not the same...
Hawk : Thank you Captain Obvious... You ! How did you get here ?
Dialtone (the green olive drab growthy one) : Well, I was in the john when
I heard your call over the intercom, General Tomahawk, sir. So then I.....
Hawk : Wait wait wait..... My name is Hawk, not Tomahawk.
Dialtone (the same one) : Oh, did you change it back , sir ?
Hawk : Change it back ?
Dialtone (the 2000 one) : Yes, remember ? For security reasons you needed
to change your codename to keep Cobra confused....
Hawk : How the hell would that confuse Cobra !?
Dialtone (the dayglo-hosed one) : Remember, sir, these are the guys
that couldn't even take over a Kindergarten.....
Duke : Kindergarten ??? I think I just decided I don't wanna BE sober.....
Chapter 4 : They finally figure out what's going on
Just then, Doc, who's been standing in the background, being ignored
by everybody, especially the author, has a brilliant insight.
Doc : I think I figured it out.....
Hawk : Really ?
Doc : Well, being the smartest guy of this whole damn outfit, how
could I not ? Let me explain in a brief, totally non-plot expositionny
sort of way.....
Duke (whilst finding a bottle of Budweiser) : Go ahead !
Doc : It seems obvious that each Dialtone is part of the Joe team, or ,
should I say, "a" Joe team. Similar to our own, but not identical.
Maybe, for some lame reason that will surely become clear in a
little while, gateways have been opened between alternate dimensions,
wich allow people to unintentionally travel between them.
Hawk : Other dimensions ?
Stalker : Sure, remember that time a bunch of the Joes got trapped
in that bizarro-world where Cobra ruled the world ?
Hawk : Oh, yes.....
Doc : We should be careful . There's no telling what kinds of horrible
creatures might come through the portals....
Hawk : Like, for instance ?
Doc : Like from dimensions where Cobra rules supreme, or where
our enemy are evil robots in disguise, or bug people.....
Hawk : Bug people ? Don't exaggerate, Doc.....
Meanwhile, on Cobra Island, or Sierra Gordo, or Wolkuklu....whatever,
depending on who you'd ask......
Cobra Commander : SUCCESSSS ! Our intelligence reports confirm
that the Joe team is in complete dissarray ! You did it, Mindbender !
Dr. Mindbender : Thank you, most noble commander. I must admit, I
was skeptical myself, but with the help of my counterpart, the plan
worked perfectly !
Just then another mindbender steps out of the shadows, wearing a yellow
sweater and purple pants.....
Mindbender (the neon one) : Once I managed to send a message from
my own dimension to you, using the MASS device, I realised it would
be possible to alter the device to serve as a gateway through dimensions.
Mindbender (the shirtless one) : The only hard part was trying to come
up with the right adjustments.
Mindbender (the Borg one) : Ah yes. Who know that hooking the MASS
device up with an Atari console and an old "Operation" board game
would produce such excellent results !
Cobra Commander : And you are SURE your Cobra Commander knows
nothing of our little joint venture ?
Mindbender (the 1993 one) : Quite sure.... To tell you the truth, he's a little
more dense than you are.....
Mindbender (the original one) : Even MORE dense ? That's....
Cobra Commander (the angry one) : HEY !
Cobra Commander throws a chair at Mindbender (like it matters wich one),
who promptly ducks, wich causes the chair to be flung into the MASS
Mindbender (v1) : Nooooo ! There's no telling what will happen NOW !
Mindbender (v yellow pants) : Who would ever have thought THIS was
going to Happen ?
Reader : Well, actually.....
Author : Shut up, you !
What horrors will be unleashed now ?
Will our heroes be called to stop this evil ?
Will it take another year for Timmer to get of
his ass and finish this story ?
Find out next time, same pantstime, same pantschannel !