Episodes 2 and 3 of The Pantsman Chronicles

Settling in
-----------

When we last saw our heroes, Pantsman and Shortsboy, they had
just singlehandedly (according to them anyway) stopped Cobra
from taking over the world ! They are now back at Joe HQ.


Chapter 1 - Superheroes amongst the Joes !


Grand Slam : Hey, some of the guys are just back from a mission in
Paris ! Something about a Cobra bunker.....

Starduster : Yeah, those guys get to see all the good places. I bet they
went out for a night on the town..... Dammit, we never get to go
anywhere anymore......

Grand Slam : It was YOUR idea to teach all of them how to use the Jump
jet packs..... Kinda eliminates the need for jet pack troopers, doesn't it ?

Starduster : Shut up !

Beach Head : Yeah, you two, less yapping and more peeling ! Those
potatoes don't skin themselves, you know ! Hop to it !

Starduster : Don't I outrank you ?

Beach Head : Who knows ?

Breaker (over the speakers) : *Bing Bong* attention, K-mart shoppers,
here's a special announcement from general Hawk.

Grand Slam : Wasn't he dead ?

Starduster : He got better.....

Hawk (over the speakers) : Listen up Joes, as most of you know, we
took a small group to Paris, to take out a Cobra operation there.
In this regard, we were succesful .

Starduster : Jay.

Hawk : However, we did suffer two casualties of an......unusual nature.

Beach Head : Did Mainframe get foot fungus from Zarana again ?

Hawk : Tracker and Bazooka got buried under some rocks in a tunnel,
and the bumps they got on the head as a result, caused amnesia and
somewhat of a personality shift......

Grand Slam : ..... Huh ?

Hawk : In fact, they now believe they are a pair of crime-solving super-
heroes, called Pantsman and Shortsboy....

Starduster (jaw dropping) : ... Guh ?

Grand Slam (eyes bulging) : ... Buh ?

Hawk : Now, according to Doc, the best thing to do is to wait and see
if it will wear off . In the meantime, please induldge them whenever you
come in contact with them. Trying to bring them back to reality will
only confuse them, and could be dangerous psychologically.
That is all .

Beach Head : Great.... Two more nutcases on the team.....

Grand Slam : "more" ?

Beach Head : Does Quick Kick look normal to you ?

Meanwhile, back in the command room.....

Flint : So you are really gonna let those two running around loose on
the base ?

Doc : I don't see why not. Having them interact with their teammates
might help jog their memories.... And what harm can they possible do ?

DU DU DUUUUU

Doc : What was that ?

Mainframe : Sorry guys, just putting some new sounds on the computer.

Outside the infirmary......

Lifeline : Well guys, you're free to roam the base ! Hope it jogs your
memories.

Pantsman : Thank you, good citizen !

Shortsboy : Disastrous disorientation, Pantsman ! Shouldn't we find
our own secret headquarters ?

Pantsman : Worry not, old chum, I'm sure it's around here somewhere....


- -

Chapter 2 : Setting up home.....


With Cobra keeping a low profile, the command room was unusually
quiet. Hawk was on the phone, trying to calmy explain to his credit card
company that he would not be paying for all those commemorative
plates. Mainframe was at the main computer terminal, and Duke was
going over some paperwork as Dialtone walks in .

Dialtone : Hey , Mainframe, fancy a game of Quake ?

Mainframe : in a couple of minutes, just finishing reading some Buffy
the Vampire Slayer fanfic .

Dialtone : Any good ?

Mainframe : It's OK, but I do hate those self-insertion characters..... All
they ever wanna do is score with Buffy......

Timmer : Hey guys !

Dialtone : Hey man, what's up ?

Timmer : Just off to see Cover Girl, if ya know what I mean.....

All of a sudden, Clutch storms in.....

Clutch : THAT'S IT !! General, we've GOT to talk !!!

Hawk : Settle down there, Clutch. what's the matter ?

Clutch : Its' those two lunatics.... Pants.. err I mean Tracker and
Bazooka.

Hawk : *Sigh* What have they done ?

Clutch : Well, you know the small motor pool , one level below ground ?
The one I've been using to work on my Vamp ?

Hawk : You mean the evacuation room ? We only let you use that cause
we don't use it, unless we have to evacuate the base.

Clutch : Yes, that one..... They have thrown me out !!!

<<Flashback>>

Clutch : Hey guys, how can I help ya ?

Pantsman : Good citizen with the porno collection, we cannot seem
to find our secret headquarters, we can only assume it was destroyed
by the Cobra.....

Shortsboy : Horrible Homelessness, Pornman, so you see, we need a
new secret base !

Pantsman : Yes, citizen, and this den seems ideal ! We will make this
place the new capitol of crimefighting !

Clutch : But...but....

Pantsman : Now please, we must ask you to leave , for if you would learn
too much, your life may be in danger from our arch enemies !

Pantsman and Shortsboy gently nudge a confused Clutch out the door.

<<end flashback>>

Hawk : Hmmm..... Under the circumstances, I'd say those two need the
space more than you do, Clutch. After all, we only let you have the place
because nobody else was using it...

Clutch : WHAT ????

Duke : Come on, Clutch, we gotta make sure our buddies have the best
chance of recovery, right ?

Clutch : OK, OK, but what about my Vamp ?

Hawk : You can go get it when they are not around .

Clutch : Fine, but I should warn you, I hung around the door a bit, and
they are doing some serious redecorating in there, as far as I could
hear.....

As the day progressed, Hawk got more and more reports in from
disstressed Joes.....

Mainframe : They have taken one of my brand new computers !

Roadblock : One of the fridges is missing from the kitchen !

Zap : I'm missing two bunk beds !

Shipwreck : One of the pool tables in missing from the rec room !

Clutch : I want my Vamp back !!

Scarlett : Somebody's been going through my underwear !

Clutch : ah...that was me.....

Hawk (on the phone) : Lifeline, could you come to the command room ?

Clutch : Huh ?

Scarlett : Hiiiiiyaaaa !

--

Chapter three : It just ain't Clutches day, is it ?



Duke : At least they seem to have stopped stealing stuff....

Hawk : About time too, I'm missing a potted plant from my office.....

Duke : So, did the credit card company see things your way ?

Hawk : Somehow, they didn't buy the "I was under Cobra mind control"
story. So the Joes will have a new set of plates for the mess hall !

Duke : Uhm.... I think some of those commemorative painted plates can
be toxic.....

Hawk (oblivious) : They'll be thrilled !

Clutch, just recently released from the infirmary, storms into the command
room .

Clutch : MY VAMP !! MY BEAUTIFUL VAMP !!!

Hawk : What is it now, Clutch ?

Clutch : Those..... Those..... idiots have...... Oh, just come see for yourself,
they are outside now.....

Clutch, Duke and Hawk make their way outside the base. As they approach
the surrounding the ramp that leads directly to Clutches ex-motorpool,
they see more and more Joe standing around with a look of both awe and
horror on their faces.....

Clutch : THERE ! Now you see what they have DONE ????

As Hawk pushes aside Tunnelrat and Alpine, who seem too stunned to
notice him, he finally sees what was once Clutches beloved Vamp....

The missile rack has been removed, making room for a rather large, red
suitcase. More eyecaching, though, is that the entire jeep has been
painted in bright red, and on both the hood and the doors, some bright
yellow pants have been painted on, not unlike Tracker's pants.....

Pantsman : Ah, my good general ! Come look at our latest weapon against
the forces of evil !! I give you..... The PANTSMOBILE !!!!

Shortsboy : Ravishing roadtransport, general ! Isn't she a beauty ?

Hawk (stunned) : ..... It's..... it's..... very nice boys.... good job....

Clutch : GOOD JOB ??

Hawk : Remember..... don't burst their bubble.....

Clutch : I wanna burst more than THAT......

Pantsman : Now general, would you like a tour of our new secret
headquarters?

Hawk : O....kay

Duke : Sure....

Pantsman : Sorry, good citizen, only the general . Just knowing about
this place could put you in mortal danger !

Hawk : Great....

Our heroes get into the pantsmobile, and drive down the ramp, with Hawk
following .

Pantsman : Welcome to the Pantscave, general !

Now Hawk had envisioned something akin to the batcave, so he was not
prepared for what he saw next.... The Pantsmobile was stationed in the
middle of the room, one wall had two bunk beds against it, another had
a table with a computer, and the third had another table, next to the
fridge (the appliance, not the Joe).Next to the Pantsmobile, there's
also a pool table with a potted plant on it....

Hawk : Oh.....

Pantsman : Is it not beautiful ? What crimefighter could want more ??

Shortsboy : Luxurious living quarters, general ! Our Pantscave has everything
we need !

Hawk : Really....

Pantsman : Why, yes, and anything we don't have, we can get off the internet !

Shortsboy : Just one thing missing...... Decoration !

Pantsman : Indeed, old pal. Decoration ! We plan to decorate the walls
with PANTS !!! Including pants from famous people !

Shortsboy : And general, we would be honored if the first would come from
you !

Pantsman : Yes, can we have your pants, please ?

Hawk : I... Uhm..... I mean.....

Clutch (yelling from outside) : Don't burst their bubble !!!

--


Will Hawk give up his pants ?

What crimes wil our heroic duo solve ?

And why did I forget to include Cobra in this one ?

Find out next week, same pantstime, same pantschannel !!



Computer Confusions
-------------------

Chapter one - The one without Pantsman

Hawk and Flint are walking down a corridor in Joe HQ, heading for
the command room....

Hawk : *Yawn* Morning Flint, sleep OK ?

Flint : Not bad, not bad..... Ready to tackle another day, defending
the world from Cobra !

Hawk : ..... (looks at Flint)

Flint : ...... (looks at Hawk)

Hawk&Flint : BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

Hawk : Good one !

Flint : How do ya think the taxpayers would react if they knew we only
did that about 1% of the time, and we were surfing the net and blowing
stuff up at random for the rest of the time ?

Hawk : The same way they reacted when they found out NORAD was
just a really, really expensive place where we hold illegal raves.....

As Hawk and Flint enter the command room, their mood immediately
darkens, as it is buzzing with activity ! Mainframe, Dialtone, Breaker and
Sparks (flown in from the neitherregions of forgotten Joes especially) are
busy frantically working on the computers.

Hawk : What in blue blazes is going on here ?

Mainframe : It's a disaster, general ! Cobra is launching a full-scale cyber-
assault on us ! Virusses of all kinds, break in attempts, spam, you name
it !

Hawk : We have the most advanced computer system in the world !
Backup after backup, failsafe after failsafe, how can this be ?

Mainframe : Apparantly, Cobra has hired a nine-year-old boy from Taiwan.
The results are......devastating....

Hawk : Give me a damage report !

Mainframe : The network is very slow, only 20% normal speed, so far,
we've lost 14% data, we're only in contact with 75% of our spy satelites,
Duke's gone into a coma, there are currently 1254 messages in various
email inboxes and our monthly Doom tournament has crashed....

Hawk : My...god.....

Flint : And every computer is affected?

Mainframe : Well..... no..... There is one that isn't part of the network, for
obvious security reasons..... Tracker's.....

Hawk : Oh no.....

Flint : I guess it's.... TO THE PANTSCAVE !

Hawk : Don't you start !


--

Chapter 2 : The one with Pantsman


Hawk and Flint make their way to the Pantscave, formerly Clutches
private motorpool, where Tracker and Bazooka (Pantsman and
Shortsboy, but don't tell anyone, it's a SECRET) reside .

Hawk : *sigh* here we are..... Better knock on the door.....

*knock knock*

Pantsman : Who's there ?

Hawk : General Hawk

Pantsman : General Hawk who ?

Hawk : EVERY TIME !!! Open the door !

Pantsman : That's the correct password, please come in, general !

The place is exactly like when we last saw it, with the exeption of a
pair of Hawk's pants hanging against an otherwise blank wall.....

Shortsboy : Visiting VIP's , Pantsman ! What brings you here, general ?

Hawk : We have an emergency .

Pantsman : Then it is good you came to us first ! And about time, it's
been weeks since we've had a crisis !

Flint (whispering) : What's he talking about ? We've had 3 emergencies
last week !

Hawk (whispering) : I've turned off the alarm claxons in this place, I was
getting fed up with them bursting into the command room.

<<Flashback>>

*AWOOGA AWOOGA*

Pantsman and shortsboy burst into the command room

Shortsboy : Severe situation, Pantsman ! Here we are !

Pantsman : There's an emergency, general, we're here to help !

Hawk : Ugh... Very well, take the pantsmobile and go to Toys R Us
to get the new line of Spawn toys ! It's VITAL !

Pantsman : Fear not general, we shall not fail !

<<End flashback>>

Hawk (whispering) : So far, I've had to send them to TRU, Wal-Mart,
KB's and K-mart..... I was running out of places to send them. On the
other hand, my action figure collection has never looked so good !

Pantsman : Good citizens, you've been standing there whispering for
five minutes, please, what is the emergency ?

Hawk : Cobra is invading our computer network. It's a full-scale cyber
assault ! Half of Clutches porn collection has already been erased !

Flint : Yes, and your computer is the only one that hasn't been affected !

Hawk : So we need to use your computer !

Pantsman : Sorry, my friends, but I cannot allow that.

Flint&Hawk :..... Huh ?

Pantsman : There is far too much sensitive information on there,
knowing about it could endanger your lives !

Flint : Enough of this !

Flint turns on the computer, only to be greeted by a pair of talking,
yellow pants....

Computer : Hello, and welcome to the Pantsnet . Please give your
acces code....

Flint : You..... put a security system on there ?

Pantsman : Off course, good citizen, can't have everybody accesing our
databanks, now can we ?

Hawk : Fine, we'll do it your way......

Shortsboy : Word of honor ?

Hawk : Word of honor......

Pantsman : OK then..... now for my acces code.... P-A-N-T-S-M-A-N

Flint : THAT was your acces code?????

Pantsman : Yes.....

Flint : .......

Pantsman : Now..... I have an idea . If we could break into Cobra's
network, we might be able to create a loop back to them, sending
back any commands, virusses or spam that are involved in this
cyber assault !

Hawk : Yes, Mainframe figured as much, I'll get him....

Pantsman : Sorry, general, like I said, only we may have acces to the
Pantsnet !

Hawk : But...but.... how will you be able to break into their network ?

Pantsman : I must get inside the head of Cobra Commander, I'm sure
this master of evil has a personal back-door password !

Hawk : That could take ages....

Pantsman ponders matters for a moment, then finds Cobra's network,
like every other network in the world, it off course runs on a completely
compatible system with Pantsman's PC....

Pantsman : Ah..... Now for the password..... What to try first ? oh yes.....
C-O-B-R-A-C-O-M-A-N-D-E-R

Flint : That will never work !! And you spelled it wrong !

Pantsman : (grinning) Did I ??

Flint : Yes you.....

Computer : Acces granted......

Flint : What the... ?

Pantsman : To pharaphrase a philosopher : "To beat the man, you've
gotta BE the man"

Flint : That was Ric Flair.....

Pantsman : Quite..... I knew that Cobra Commander is my most worthy
adversary yet, so I figured his thinking must be similar to mine, hence
the similar type of password..... Off course, he isn't QUITE as excellent
as me, just look at his pants, hence the misspelling.....

Flint : That kind of logic wouldn't even work in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.....

Pantsman (oblivious) : Anyway, now to set up the loop....

With a series of computer commands that only somebody like Dilbert
could describe correctly, not that anybody would care, Pantsman sets
up the loop...

Meanwhile, on Cobra Island.....

Cobra Commander : Excellent, soon the Joe network will be so crippled
we'll have the run of.... WHAT'S THAT COMING THROUGH ??

Techno Viper #471 : (reading from his screen) Turn 6$ into 6000$
in just one week.....

Computer : You have 1238 new email messages.....

Cobra Commander : FOILED AGAIN !!!!! DAMN YOU, BILL GATES !!

Techno Viper #471 : I don't think he had anything....

Cobra Commander shoots the Techno Viper.....

Cobra Commander : There, that's better.....


--



Epilogue : The one at the end


Back in Joe HQ.....

Hawk : The computer system should be back to normal in a few hours,
Duke should wake up from his coma any minute now, and the Doom
tournament has been postponed till next week..... Looks like we won.

Flint : Yes, but at what cost ?

Hawk : Huh ?

Flint : Do you have ANY idea how insufferable those two idiots
will be now ?

Pantsman : Another crisis succesfully dealt with by PANTSMAAAAN !!!

Shortsboy : And SHOOORTSBOOOOY !!!!

Flint : fine, thanks for your help.....

Pantsman : I have just one request of you, good citizen.

Flint : What ?

Pantsman : Our requests that celebrities send us their pants have not
been very succesful , a few rejections and a few restraining orders,
that's all we got.

Shortboy : So, good citizen, may we have your pants ?

Flint : WHAT ? what kind of perverts.....

Hawk : JUST DO IT !

--------------

Will our heroic duo find some celebrity pants ?

Will Cobra finally realize who they're up against ?

And will I ever get a life ?

Find out next week, same pantstime, same pantschannel !